Slice of heaven

The conference is over now. I've just had the most phenomenal week.

In the past few days, I have worshipped with people from every continent, shared tearful prayers with a Solomon Islander brother in Christ, in response to a profound devotional by a Brazilian leader. I have participated in the laying on of hands and prayer over African brothers and sisters, while they listened to a French translation over headsets. I have sat around until 1:30am discussing what "community" really means, and finding it, with dear brothers and sisters from Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. I've been convicted by the admonition and teaching of a Ghanaian leader. I have been moved by the testimony of a Chinese brother, and the prayers of an Arab fellow believer.

We have all been moved by the slice of heaven we have experienced here in the joyful fellowship of a multicoloured and diverse gathering of children of God. What profound power the gospel has to cross boundaries.

I've stumbled along clumsily in French in a few conversations with friends from Africa, and have so appreciated finding the joy of fellowship in what we have in common which is so much bigger than what separates us, even though we barely understand together.

I keep wishing people at home could have the opportunity to experience this slice of heaven. I'd like to see more of this even in Canada. I have some ideas... but more prayer and time is needed for now.

Smooth as Silk

The title is from a box of food we got on the Thai Air portion of our trip here. The cover was this mix of colours, with Smooth as Silk written on it. We laughed, it was just so extra appetizing with that intro. It was fish sticks, salad and "salad cream." I have been taking pictures of funny signs that I have seen because afterwards I always wish that I had. I'll share those when I can download my pictures back home on my computer.

So, I've arrived safely in Thailand, and have been enjoying the conference here for the past 4 days. I wish I had room and time to share all of the experiences I've been having here. One of the things that I have been thinking about, and desiring to share is the experience of the ethnic diversity of the church. I started thinking about it when I was in Chicago for our layover there, and I was so tired but there was a group of people in the rows of seats behind me who were making so much noise, it was a bit annoying. They were just talking and laughing, very relaxed, and not doing anything wrong- I was just grumpy.

I turned and looked back and saw a group of Americans from a broad spectrum of racial backgrounds, ages and both genders. It was interesting to watch them, and it struck me, "I bet these people are Christians." I began to think of how that kind of ethnic diversity and harmony is not an extremely common sight, and it seemed a logical conclusion to me to think they are believers. Sure enough, I soon heard them talk about Jesus.

I've been thinking a lot about that this week as well, as I can't get away from it. The church and even the membership of PIis getting pretty diverse, and there is such a consensus of joy as we experience it. Just a snapshot: our worship team contains believers from UK, Madagascar, NZ, Solomon Islands, Ghana, US and Kyrgyzstan. This morning we were enormously blessed as a large group of our African brothers and sisters lead worship for us (you may assume it was a little more lively :) )

Yesterday, a brother from the Solomon Islands shared about what is going on there right now, in riots and demonstrations and the Chinese population being targeted in Honiara. (See part of story). We prayed for him, and other leaders and as he left the platform, I was struck by the powerful image of seeing a Chinese brother step up and offer a tearful embrace.

I just think the harmony of people from many nations is a testimony to the glory of God, and to the truth and power of the gospel to break down divisive walls and bring healing.

Off I go

I was thinking... did I mention that I am going to Thailand again?

Well I am. I am packed and will be leaving in about ten minutes to go to the Robert Q shuttle pick up spot. There I will meet up with Scott and Melanie, and together the three of us will fly Toronto-Chicago-Tokyo-Bangkok. We'll have an overnight in Bangkok, then fly on to Chiang Mai. In Chiang Mai we'll be attending a conference, and then I'll spend a few days visiting with friends from North Park who live in Thailand. On the return flight I'll be spending a few days in Vancouver.

I'm looking forward to sleeping on the plane. Sleep sounds good right now. :)

I'm sure I'll post more later, but for the next few days I will be in the air or in airports sleeping, reading and working on Sudoku puzzles. Till then...

Cake creation #3

Ta-da! My latest cake creation. It's so funny at every cake class I feel a bit frustrated because everyone else is ahead of me, and doing so well. Then I take my cake home and realize it's not as bad as I thought.
So, this is my first fondant cake. Working with fondant is like playing with play-do. It's kind of fun, and actually not that hard.

(So mom- this is for you, see, I'm not as bad as you think. have some faith in me! :) )

Always Come Back to the Solid Place

More from Henri Nouwen. The quote below is from the book "The Inner Voice of Love" which was basically his personal journal during the darkest time of his life. Many of his most beloved works were written out of what he learned, and what God did, through that time. This quote sums up how I've felt lately, in many ways.

Always Come Back to the Solid Place
You must believe in the yes that comes back when you ask, "Do you love me?" You must choose this yes even when you do not experience it.
You feel overwhelmed by distractions, fantasies, the disturbing desire to throw yourself into the world of pleasure. But you know already that you will not find there an answer to your deepest question. Nor does the answer lie in rehashing old events, or in guilt or shame. All of that makes you dissipate yourself and leave the rock on which your house is built.
You have to trust the place that is solid, the place where you can say yes to God's love even when you do not feel it. Right now you feel nothing except emptiness and the lack of strength to choose. But keep saying, "God loves me, and God's love is enough." You have to choose the solid place over and over again, and return to it after every failure.

I've felt so discouraged over the past few weeks. I felt so far from God, even though I knew He was as close as ever. I couldn't figure it out, but can't say I really tried. It was much easier to keep busy, and bury myself in distractions. The other day the Holy Spirit showed me that I was withholding forgiveness in a certain area, and that was the block. It's such a relief.

So today, I feel like God's love is enough. I recognize though, that that truth was just as true the other day, when I didn't feel it.

Born to manifest the glory of God...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
- Nelson Mandela in his inaugeration speech.

Cake Decorating- Part Deux

I might just be crazy. My parents think I am. :)
I've agreed to do my brother's wedding cake, an adaptation of the one pictured here.
I am starting Wilton 3- the slightly more advanced cake decorating class tonight. Remember my colourful clowns in October, and my self-made birthday cake? I'm skipping a level, and going right to #3 to learn "Wedding Cakes."
I know, clowns to multi-level fondant is a big jump. But look how simple it is...
My mom keeps trying to talk me out of it; she says that if I am too nervous she can just order a cake from a professional. She has said this about twice a week for the past 4 months.
I'm not nervous though. I'm much more nervous about being the co-MC at the reception, and with this one, I question not my own sanity, but Deven & Heather's in asking me!

The Sweeter Song

I could fill my whole blog with Henri Nouwen quotes. If you have never encountered him before, here is a sample to whet your appetite for some rich spiritual writing. This excerpt is from a 1982 interview Leadership did with Nouwen and Richard Foster.

"I'm like many pastors; I commit myself to projects and plans and then wonder how I can get them all done. This is true of the pastor, the teacher, the administrator. Indeed, it's true of our culture, which tells us, "Do as much as you can or you'll never make it." In that sense, pastors are part of the world.
I've discovered I cannot fight the demons of busyness directly. I cannot continuously say "No" to this or "No" to that, unless there is something ten times more attractive to choose. Saying "No" to my lust, my greed, my needs, and the world's powers takes an enormous amount of energy.
The only hope is to find something so obviously real and attractive that I can devote all my energies to saying "Yes." In effect, I don't have time to pay any attention to the distractions.
One such thing I can say "Yes" to is when I come in touch with the fact that I am loved. Once I have found that in my total brokenness I am still loved, I become free from the compulsion of doing successful things."

(See whole interview, with Nouwen and Richard Foster)

Too far

I've always been what you might call a "detail" person, and I've worried for a while about my anal retentive tendencies.

The other day I brought home a binder from work, containing my typed-up "To-do" list. While running an errand, and waiting, I started sketching out some things on my list. A few minutes later, I stopped and looked down at my sheet, and realized that I have just gone too far.

I had written, "Redo my to-do list" on my to-do list. Sick and wrong.

If I can laugh at myself, does that mean it's not as bad as it sounds? :)

Pilates and wings?

Last night, Amy and I had big plans: pilates at the local gym we've joined and then out for wings.

I've been pretty excited about this gym membership: it's only for a month, and it cost me $5. I want to fit as much in this month as I can.

I enjoy doing yoga and pilates videos, but I've never taken a class, so last night was going to be my initiation. After work we drove to the gym, changed into suitable clothes, and found our way to the studio in which the said class would take place.

We surveyed the crowd of smiling and confident-looking women, and tried to get our bearings. A woman in spandex saw us standing to the side, and asked us if we were the beginners we appeared to be. When I indicated that I expected my skill level to be "very low"- she gave us instructions. We gathered our equipment: hand-weights (my choice: the wimpiest kind), a rubber exercise band, and a floor mat)

I started to think to myself, "wow, pilates with weights, I never did this with the video!"

The class started off high in energy with loud, active music and our instructor leading us in a variety of sequences of forward, side, and back steps and kicks. With growing bewilderment I was ready to throw everything I thought I knew about pilates out the window.

As we did deep lunges with weights at our sides I asked the girl next to me (between gasping breaths) what class we were in. "Power Sculpt" she replied, confirming my growing suspicions. So much for pilates.

I've been trying to think of an analogy, or word-picture to help you envision this situation, but they're all inadequate. My roommate says it's a shame I don't have a video to show you. Let me set the stage: we are in a studio that is a level above a main workout area. The studio is windowed, so in full view of the masses on their treadmills, lifting weights, etc. I smoothly maneouvered myself to the back of the pack, not noticing the mirror behind me exposing my awkward movements more clearly than anyone else's.

Now picture a room full of women stepping forward- to the side- to the back- in growingly complex combinations. All in synch, with ease and fluidity. Then picture one person, with long arms and legs only rarely lucky enough to do the correct movements in the exact opposite direction. Most often she does something completely different, inventing her own kooky and awkward dance. That was me. :)

Luckily, the entire class did not consist of this "complex" choreography. I had plenty of opportunities to feel the burn in my back, arms, legs and stomach to feel like I fully deserved the chicken wings and onion rings I enjoyed afterward.

Pilates next week?

Maple syrup goodness

I had not one but TWO delicious pancake breakfasts with maple syrup this past weekend. On Saturday I went with some of our PIONEERS team, and then on Sunday with my friend Lisa.

Mmmm... pancakes and sausages

Donnie was feeling a bit better and able to join us for breakfast and a wagon ride

On the wagon ride huddling close for warmth

Tapped trees

All together for a team picture

With Lisa on Sunday, tummies full of maple syrup goodness. :)

New Roommate

Meet my new roommate Amy.
She's pretty cool, and I am enjoying getting to know her more. She just moved here from Calgary, and joined our office, as coordinator for our short-term program "the Edge."
She is even proving to be a pretty good influence on me: I've been eating healthier and I've even gone out running with her several times. (Let's see if I can keep it up!)
I've had many roommates over the years, in the different places I've lived. I recently did a count: Amy is #26.
I am thankful for all of my roommate experiences. Valuable friendships came out of many of them, and the inevitable challenging circumstances forced me to recognize selfishness in myself and other things I needed to surrender.

Maybe I should just start calling my roommates (and former roommates) by number... In above photograph see #26 testing peppers at the Farmer's Market.

18th Birthday

Today Ashley would have turned 18 years old. It's hard to imagine, and still hard not to have her here. I look forward to the day when I'll see her again, and when we will worship Jesus Christ, side by side.

I have shared some of the story on here before, but was reminded of this part the other day. I thought I would share it today.

During those 5 days in the hospital, while we waited as she lingered between life and death, God was so clearly present, and drawing us deeper in our understanding of Him. One day, my mom and my brother were in the chapel, looking through Ashley's Bible, and they came across this verse that Ashley had marked:

"With Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Both felt strongly that God was saying something to them through that verse. Deven said, "Mom, maybe it means God is going to heal her!"

Mom paused, and spoke these words, "Maybe it means that God is going to heal us."

It was a lot easier to believe that God could heal her of her physical wounds, than to believe that He could take something so precious away from us, and heal us emotionally. But He has. We will always miss her, but we praise God for the healing, and the good work He has done in and through this.

Now I am going to take the rest of the day off to reflect, pray and write.

Fog-shrouded wilderness

I just had an amazing phone call with my mom. As He often has over the years, God spoke truth through her to me, and I sit here now marvelling in joy and thanksgiving.

I've been doing the devotionals every week for a class at North Park, and last night, since the scheduled speaker (Donnie) was sick, I helped another girl, Steph, to fill in. The subject: Spiritual Warfare. I am so underqualified to do so many of the things I find myself doing.

I told my mom about it, and she thought it was interesting that it worked out that way, since spiritual warfare has been one of the heavy things on my mind in the past weeks and months.

God has been rooting me in truth in the past year, affirming my identity in Christ, completely apart from what I do. He has been a father holding my chubby toddler knuckles as I take wobbly steps forward, learning to walk in the spirit, letting Christ live His life through me. More recently, although I am still learning vital lessons in those two areas, I sense Him leading me into battle- asking me to stand firm (Eph 6:11).

God has been pretty clearly calling me out in a specific way. To be honest, it feels foolish, and doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I find it hard to explain, and when I rationalize, I find myself telling God that
1.) I don't want to
2.) He can and should ask someone else
3.) I don't have the strength to face what He is asking

I've found that my rationalizations don't usually convince God. :)

I've gone back and forth so many times in my mind. Sermons, words from others, and scripture have all confirmed what I think He is asking. So I say, "ok God, I'll obey." And then there is perfect peace. Then a bit further down the line, I start thinking about the risks involved, and second-guessing, and I tell myself that I've misheard Him. And then there is gut-wrenching anxiety. Round and round it has gone.

Talking to my mom this morning was so good because she shared how things that God has layed on her heart often haven't made sense, and she has been on that same journey. I also saw the way she has obeyed, when it just didn't seem to make any sense at all... and how she is so sensitive to His voice.

I realize that I will not cultivate an awareness and sensitivity to His voice if I do not obey Him in these small things.

One of my mom's prayer for me for years has been Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a word behind you, 'This is the way, walk in it,' whenever you turn to the right or to the left."

Sometimes, on this path He has me on, all I see ahead is untamed, dangerous wilderness. To the left or right I see paths branching off that are paved and complete with street signs. I take a step or two onto them, and the voice behind me directs me back. So on I go into the fog-shrouded wilderness.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me" John 10:27

Grumpy Jennifer

This past week and a half, I got 2 flat tires, my car broke down, and my purse broke. Donnie, our executive director has been sick and in the hospital (he is now recovering at home). Things look positive, but he gave us quite a scare. Since I work quite closely with him, it has thrown me off things at work. Then, starting Saturday and finishing a half hour ago, we've had a candidate orientation program (COP), welcoming 4 great new people to PIONEERS. COP is always one of the craziest and most draining times of the year.

Yesterday I felt like I was simply at the end of my resources, and I found myself grabbing a quiet moment in my office, grumpy and wanting a good cry. I started a post complaining about the week. As I wrote about my flat tires, I remembered how a co-worker had changed one for me in about 10 minutes, and the other I was able to get to the gas station in time to fill up. As I wrote about my car breaking down, I was reminded of how Donnie & Beth had leant me their car for the week. And then of how Steve & Amanda came from Cambridge and Steve fixed my car for me in about 15 minutes. And then my purse that broke? Out of the blue a friend gave me a new one.

Over and over I was reminded of God's material and practical provision for me. I had been wallowing in my weakness, feeling irritable and just not up to being around people yesterday evening. When He reminded me of His provision with my car and etc, He reminded me that He had provided for me in every way. All the patience, strength, wisdom and more that I needed was available to me in Christ. I just had to step forward with the faith that He would be enough in that moment.

So I stepped forward, and He provided.

More and more the desire of my heart coming to the surface, is to be a channel of God's love to others. I want my life to be an expression of God's love to the world. Learning my way into the fulfillment of that (so much to learn!) I find the times it is most needed I feel least able to offer it. I remind myself though of the truth that God has made all I need available to me in Christ. My inadequacy is a good thing, because I need to step forward in faith that He is enough and allow Him to love through me.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ
Ephesians 1:3

tupperware party

Who wants to come to a Tupperware party?
It is tonight at 7 pm at my house. I got a bunch of tupperware a few years ago, and below are the before and after pictures of our pantry cupboard. I love Tupperware! :)

BEFORE:

AFTER:

**ok I don't have a good excuse for why it was so bad before, but the Tupperware sure helped!**

Life plans and goals

I'm reviewing my yearly "personal life plan." I chuckle as I read 2004's, because I recognize how much my perspective has changed. 2004's plan was so performance-driven with concrete goals (and aim of developing high self-discipline to achieve them). After yet another burn-out cycle, I let God begin to shift my thinking.

Last year I couldn't even bring myself to make up a "personal life plan" for 2005. I determined to know Christ, to be consumed by His love, and to learn to let Him live out through me. I don't want to cultivate self-discipline anymore... I want to cultivate Christ-discipline... letting Him have control. I want to walk in more and more in surrender.

I've been way more productive this way, though not with the flashy minisiry achievements I used to aim for. This remains my goal: to let Christ live and love through me. I want my life to be the natural outflow/overflow of His grace and love to others. I'm only in jr kindergarten in this school, but at least I can sit all the way through class now without poking the kid next to me. :)

I also have a fun life goal list "Things to do before I die." Here are some of them:

• Learn to surf
• Go skydiving
  
• Run a marathon
  
• Go bungee jumping
• Visit an active volcano
  
• Travel to every continent (including Antarctica!)
• Perfect my French
• Learn one other language (Arabic, Mandarin... ?)
• Swim with sharks (real ones, I saw it on tv once, you can do it in a cage, while the great whites circle around you :) )

Another winter day... I'm obsessed with this desire to surf. The few "attempts" I've made in New Zealand and Nova Scotia got me hooked. I will find a way... :)

God- the Prodigal Giver

At North Park Saturday night something Pastor Terry shared really stuck with me. He said that the "prodigal son" story would be more aptly called the "prodigal father" story.

I always thought prodigal meant "way-ward" or "rebellious." What it actually means is "recklessly extravagant." I looked it up on dictionary.com (see definition).

It is a story about the recklessly extravagant love of the father... essentially, the recklessly extravagant love of our Father.

It certainly rips apart my old ideas about God's love being sterile and dry, loving us because He has to. What has been sticking with me from this story is how extravagant the father's love was... he didn't just affirm the restoration of relationship, and didn't just give the son what he needed... He gave him so much more. He wouldn't even let the son try to make it up, or earn his approval. Recklessly extravagant.

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

Sometimes those other good things He offers come in the form of brokenness and even suffering. And sometimes, they are just good and pure gifts that He delights in giving.

I heard Malcolm Smith say in a sermon once that God's love is not an emotion, but it is emotional.

It seems like every day God is breaking out of the boxes that I try to put Him in.

(painting: Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son")

Thank you- yes YOU! :)

I'm sitting here, chilling to Jack Johnson and Michael Buble. Melanie is laughing at how mellow I've been lately, at least in my music choices. Her office is right next to mine, so I guess she should know.

I just wanted to say thank you- to you!

When I started this blog, I didn't expect people would actually read it, figured it was a long shot anyway. I just love to write, and I especially love to share snapshots of my journey, of how God is teaching me.

I am constantly being surprised by the people that read this blog, either occasionally or regularly. Thank you for your comments, and emails. Others I find out through random connections.

Sometimes it freaks me out, because- follow me on this- when I started writing on here, I just wrote what was on my mind. I'm generally a pretty open person, so I don't have trouble sharing this stuff either in person or in writing. But as more people read this, I find myself surprised, and not sure exactly why. What freaks me out is the fear that I am going to do or say something and mess it all up.

I've concluded now though that that's a good risk to take. Not because I'm not likely to do or say something stupid (or that I havent' already!) but because I'm on here to share my journey with you, and journeys are messy, and I've missed the point if I try to hide that.

So, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, emailing me, or whatever. If you read something stupid, by all means, call me on it! I certainly don't have it all figured out... as is definitely clear by now. :)

God's good gifts

I have realized that I sometimes have trouble believing that God has good gifts for me.

Am I alone in this? Sometimes when I think about what blessings the future might hold, I immediately think of how they will probably be wrenched away, or soiled in some way. When someone does something nice for me, I often feel embarassed. I feel guilty having nice things.

I guess the root of this is feeling like I don't deserve God's blessings. I wouldn't say that I've had major struggles with self-esteem, it's more my pride that wants to "earn" the things that come my way. It's a slander of God's character really, that I have to repent of, as my mind is renewed daily. How easily I forget the basics of the gospel- that Christ did it all without my help. While we were yet sinners...

I've been reminding myself of what I know of His character. I've been thinking lately though, that one of the best things I can do to redeem that distorted mind-set, is to really look at the good things He has already given. What are some of those things?

My family and closest friends- They are incredible, what else can I say. People who love me even though they have seen the absolute worst sides of me. God loves and speaks to me through them, accepting me as I am, but not content to let me stay there.

My work- I have an amazing job working for PIONEERS Canada. I look forward to it when I wake up in the morning, and except for the occasional mid-afternoon slump, I enjoy my work days. The other day we had a whole day of meetings, preparation for an orientation we have coming up. It was so much fun, working things through together, feeding off each other, pushing each other's thoughts and ideas further than we could on our own. I think the word for that is synergy. There are always new challenges and opportunities to grow, and there are lots of outlets for my creative energies. Maybe the best part though is that I am given the room to fail, get up and learn from it, and am mentored through it all.

Just good gifts. My Father is good to me. He is good to me in the hard times, the good times, and most often the times that have a bit of both!

Celebration of love

I may be single, and looking forward to a girl's night out this evening, but just because I don’t have romantic love in my life doesn’t mean I don’t have cause to celebrate!

When I stop to think about it I am awed by God’s love for me. It’s perfect, it’s precious, and it blows my mind.

I’ve said often that one of the first songs I ever learned was probably “Jesus loves me.” I remember teaching children in many Sunday school classes that truth myself. But it has only been in the past few years that the truth of it has come alive to me.

In a time of brokenness I began to question God about whether or not He cared when I was hurting, whether or not He could feel my pain. I thought of His love being impersonal (meant for the whole world after all), and of Him dryly telling me it was all for the best. I was cynical, but those questions opened up a door for me to consider the possibility that God offered what I hungered for.

And so began a journey into His love. Printed off and framed, sitting on my desk are the following verses which have summed up this leg of the journey:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father… that He would grant you,
according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His
Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;
and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with
all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know
the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to the
fullness of God.”

To be filled up to the fullness of God means to know His love. That’s my journey right now, and probably for my life. Sometimes He gives it to me directly, but most often He offers it through friends, family members, and sometimes even strangers. It was always there, but He has renewed my eyes to show me the source.

Underneath all the “proper” theology I held, I used to compare what I felt God’s love for me to be, with the purest love I had experienced from others, or given. God’s love seemed so dry and sterile in comparison. Now I see, that real love always has God as it’s source… whether the giver or the receiver ever realize it.

And today, I just want to say how thankful I am to have received that love from my God, my Abba, my Husband, my Protector and my Strength. I’m also thankful for His love as I have received it through countless friends, family members, and others.

So, thanks, and Happy Valentine's day!

Anniversary

February 10th and March 13th are always strange days for me. Today (Feb 10th) is the anniversary of when my sister Ashley died, and March 13th is her birthday. I've never been one for dates and anniversaries being a huge deal, but for some reason this one seems big to me. Each year anniversary is like a century, or like some huge milestone separating me from that defining event.

I don't really like it actually. The passing of time brings healing, yes, but it is a little unsettling as well, because I don't want such a huge thing to be lost in my distant past. I don't want such an important person to become, with the passing of time, a far-off, and seemingly unreal memory.

And then there is always the fear of forgetting her. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember the purity and mischief in her smile. Sometimes I concentrate on remembering the softness of her hands as I held them at her bedside while she slowly passed from us. Those were moments that I tried to cherish, and imprint on my memory, having spent too many days and years not realizing our time would be so short.

There are tears in my eyes, but it is not all sad. There is joy also, in the remembrance of God's complete faithfulness, and wonder at the still unveiling masterpiece of His overarching plan.

I miss her so much, and I've given up thinking that that longing will ever go away. But I wouldn't change a thing because God was good in ways that words do not do justice to describe. And there is always the knowledge that I will see her again.

Being Mocked: The Essence of Christ's Work, Not Muhammed's

Article by John Piper: February 8, 2006
What we saw this past week in the Islamic demonstrations over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very different reactions to mockery.

If Christ had not been insulted, there would be no salvation. This was his saving work: to be insulted and die to rescue sinners from the wrath of God. Already in the Psalms the path of mockery was promised: “All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads” (Psalm 22:7). “He was despised and rejected by men . . . as one from whom men hide their faces . . . and we esteemed him not” (Isaiah 53:3).

When it actually happened it was worse than expected. “They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head. . . . And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, ‘Hail, King of the Jews!’ And they spit on him” (Matthew 27:28-30). His response to all this was patient endurance. This was the work he came to do. “Like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth” (Isaiah 53:7).

This was not true of Muhammad. And Muslims do not believe it is true of Jesus. Most Muslims have been taught that Jesus was not crucified. One Sunni Muslim writes, “Muslims believe that Allah saved the Messiah from the ignominy of crucifixion.”1 Another adds, “We honor [Jesus] more than you [Christians] do. . . . We refuse to believe that God would permit him to suffer death on the cross.”2 An essential Muslim impulse is to avoid the “ignominy” of the cross.

That’s the most basic difference between Christ and Muhammad and between a Muslim and a follower of Christ. For Christ, enduring the mockery of the cross was the essence of his mission. And for a true follower of Christ enduring suffering patiently for the glory of Christ is the essence of obedience. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5:11). During his life on earth Jesus was called a bastard (John 8:41), a drunkard (Matthew 11:19), a blasphemer (Matthew 26:65), a devil (Matthew 10:25); and he promised his followers the same: “If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign those of his household” (Matthew 10:25).

The caricature and mockery of Christ has continued to this day. Martin Scorsese portrayed Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ as wracked with doubt and beset with sexual lust. Andres Serrano was funded by the National Endowment for the Arts to portray Jesus on a cross sunk in a bottle of urine. The Da Vinci Code portrays Jesus as a mere mortal who married and fathered children.

How should his followers respond? On the one hand, we are grieved and angered. On the other hand, we identify with Christ, and embrace his suffering, and rejoice in our afflictions, and say with the apostle Paul that vengeance belongs to the Lord, let us love our enemies and win them with the gospel. If Christ did his work by being insulted, we must do ours likewise.
When Muhammad was portrayed in twelve cartoons in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, the uproar across the Muslim world was intense and sometimes violent. Flags were burned, embassies were torched, and at least one Christian church was stoned. The cartoonists went into hiding in fear for their lives, like Salman Rushdie before them. What does this mean?
It means that a religion with no insulted Savior will not endure insults to win the scoffers. It means that this religion is destined to bear the impossible load of upholding the honor of one who did not die and rise again to make that possible. It means that Jesus Christ is still the only hope of peace with God and peace with man. And it means that his followers must be willing to “share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Philippians 3:10).

"How are you?"

Does anyone else ever feel like they aren't being completely honest when they say "fine" in answer to the above question seventeen times a day?

Well, to be accurate, I don't really feel like I am lying when I say I am doing well, I just often don't feel like I am telling the whole story. I guess I just figure, how many people actually want to know the whole story? A lot of times people just ask in passing, not waiting for an answer. I know I've done that myself, though I dislike it when people do it to me.

I guess I answer the question based on more than just how I feel. On a given day, I may feel down or discouraged, but if I were to launch into a depressing tirade about my negative feelings, I wouldn't be telling the whole story anyway. It seems to me to be a strange paradox, but I'm learning that the journey of faith is full of those. I can "feel" crappy, but have a general sense that my life is going well, and that God is doing good things in it. My feelings are not the indicators of reality. They are indicators of other things, such as what I am believing deep down, sometimes without even realizing it.

It is nice though to have a few people with whom I can be completely transparent, who help me dig down below the surface to uncover the lies that I believe, and who walk with me and accept me- the good, the bad, and the ugly! Praise God for good friendships, and family members!

One thing stands out to me in all of this though. The many times I get standard answers from people: is it because I'm just not in that inner trust circle or because they think I'm not actually interested in them? What concerns me is not that I think I need to be everyone's confidante, but that I don't want to be a person who unconsciously discourages others from being real and transparent with me. I don't want to communicate that my acceptance is based on performance, appearance, or success. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I really want the main thing of my life to be that the love of God flows through me to other people, but I am all too aware at how rarely and imperfectly that happens. I am so glad that God is the One continually at work in me!

Man of the Year Awards

Before you go any further, let me just assert that I am not into "Men-bashing." These are just pictures someone sent me a while back that I thought were hilarious. I hope you enjoy them too. :)

Man of the Year #1


Man of the year #2


Man of the Year #3

What a day!

Whew! Wednesday was quite a day. I am still recovering from it, though not as much as others.

Terrible road conditions, and a bit of carelessness caused me to do a full 180 with my car on the way to work. It freaked me out a bit, but wasn't a huge deal.

Another co-worker got their car stuck in a snowdrift and had to dig it out.

Then, at the end of the day, my friend Melanie and I decided that we would go to the mall straight from work. Since we live a distance apart, we were driving separately until we got to a more central location. She made a comment about being nervous driving in the current conditions, and we decided she would just follow me.

Well, a few kilometres along the way, I looked into my rearview mirror and on a particularly icy patch saw her lose control of the car as it veered into the oncoming traffic lane. She tried to correct it, but it swerved out of control, finally facing the direction it had come. I wasn't too worried until I saw her sail off the edge of the road, and I saw the underbelly of her car as it began to roll down an embankment, landing right side up.

It was one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life! I quickly stopped and jumped out of my car, promptly slipping ont he ice and falling flat on my face. Getting up (and feeling like a cartoon character, my legs moving but my body staying in place) I ran to where the car was sitting in a snow bank with it's nose almost dipping into an unfrozen creek. It was such a relief to find her sitting there, conscious in her car. A few other cars stopped, and brought blankets, and I called 911 on my new cell phone.

PRAISE THE LORD she was ok. A concussion and lots of bruises, but she is recovering nicely now, and with a good attitude about it all. We are thankful for the little mercies that God provided that kept this from being so much worse. The emergency personnel who came (VERY quickly, I might add) emphasized how lucky she was.

I'm not a Strong Christian

I said this to some people recently, and I think I sounded kind of crazy. I think maybe they wondered why I was admitting such a thing.

Looking back to the days when I first "gave in" and offered God all of me, I realize that underneath it all I thought I had a lot to offer Him. I held mentors and Christian leaders up on pedestals, and made it my goal to be a strong Christian. I also became a judgmental person, but that seemed insignificant compared to the gains I was able to make using my willpower to become a moral and upright person, active in the ministry.

I have to say, I'm disillusioned with all of that now. Don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I am disillusioned with God. Indeed not. I'm disillusioned, you could say, with myself.

I can't change myself. I have a strong will-power, but that's no use to God. My will-power was never even remotely sucessful in changing anything but the outside. The only real changes have come when I have acknowledged my helplessness to God, allowing Him to work.

So now, I joyfully acknowledge that I am WEAK. With that acknowledgement, so many ridiculous burdens fall from my shoulders. The burden to be something. The burden to impress. The burden and pressure to be perfect.

It all goes back to that original lie in the Garden of Eden that we don't need God, and can do it ourselves. He never expected me to; so shrugging off that burden I skip happily along my way.

Anyone else want a bracelet that says "LIVE WEAK"? :)

Frantic pace

Be glad as you read this that you are not with me in person, because
1.) I would probably whine about being sick, and
2.) I can't pass on any germs over the internet

Last week I didn't post because life was going at a frantic pace. I worked my usual hours at PIONEERS, diving into my new responsibilities I have taken on there, and also did five shifts at Christian Horizons. It seemed like a good idea back in December when I agreed to do the relief shifts.

I have been so proud of myself over the last year or so for how I have slowed down my life, and limited my commitments, having learned some vital lessons about healthy boundaries. As someone who has regularly burned herself out since high school, I am learning to live a more healthy life, no longer suffering under the delusion that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

That said, I still make stupid choices sometimes, and then I pay for them. Donnie (my boss) called me on it today, and I appreciated the gentle rebuke. It was all the more humbling because we had just had a discussion about leadership and ministry, and how most leaders' identities are tied so closely to what they do (as opposed to who they are in Christ), that they take on so much more than is necessary, healthy, or even expected by God.

So, that is my humble confession on a Monday morning, still experiencing repercussions from bad decisions, but learning all the way through. :)

Yesterday I believed that summer is real

Yesterday I was driving to work, and it was a beautiful day. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, and the temperature was shockingingly warm for January in Southern Ontario.

I was car-pooling with my friend Melanie, and thinking of how summer usually feels like a mere dream when we are entrenched in the long dark coldness of winter, I remarked to her: "Today, I believe that summer is real."

She thought for a moment, and then said to me, "What do you think God is trying to tell you through that?"

"Uhhh... I don't know... what do you think?"

She smiled. "I think He's telling you that summer is real."

I rolled my eyes. "I thought you were going to come up with some deep truth from that."

"There is- I think He is reminding you that the 'spring' and 'summer' of life are real too, even when you are in the winter and don't feel like it's possible."

I ruminated on that for a while. I had been talking with her the evening before about how I feel like I am in a dark valley right now, and have been for a long time. There are many great things in my life that I am so thankful for- but underneath everything is a deep sadness. I told her that I have trouble believing that the valley will ever end.

The past 4 years have been tough ones, and through it all, God has taught me that He offers precious gifts in brokenness. I have found Him in my brokenness, and I wouldn't trade anything for that. I'm in a painful valley, but I know that there is firm ground underneath my feet. I know that God is with me. Sometimes He feels far away, like right now, but there is something even deeper than feelings- a certainty that He is good and He loves me.

Yesterday though, He reminded me, through a warm day and a good friend, that the valley is not all there is- or ever will be.

Back to normal life

Here are some more pictures from the New Year, and my time in NB. I'm back in ON now, back to work and back to normal life. I was sad to leave my family, but it will be nice to get back into a bit of a schedule (oh no- I am one of those people!)


After a games night with the family, we went out to a restaurant in Moncton to celebrate the New Year: here are Deven and Heather.

Here I am with my sister, and our friend Melissa.

Making a gingerbread house with my cousins

We had some leftover frosting to have fun with...

The finished product.... ta-da!

She's still got it!

I have been having a great time with my family. Lots of laughs, and good memories made: evenings sitting up talking with mom, dad and Melanie. Watching "Joan of Arcadia" episodes with Mel. My dad asking me what I am going to put on my "blob" (Dad- it's b-l-o-G). Sitting around reading. Eating too much.

I went to Walmart with some others, and the following exchange occurred between one of my shopping companions, and a man we crossed paths with:

"Doris! Is that you? How are you?"

"Hello ____, I'm well, how are you?"

"Can't complain... wow- Doris you look so good!" he said with an appreciative look.

"Well, I just turned ___ years old." She said, deflecting his obvious admiration.

"Oh Doris, you don't look like you've aged a day..." He paused and as he looked at her, I think I saw a glimmer of moisture in his eyes. "Doris, you're really looking great... it's so good to see you."

Finally, seeing that it was awkward not to introduce me and my sister, she did, but he quickly turned back to her. After more comments on how great she looked, and somewhat emotional reassurances of how glad he was to see her, he went on his way.

I waited until he was well out of earshot to start teasing Doris-my grandmother about the man who was hitting on her right in front of her grandchildren. She's still got it I guess. :) Not everything gets passed down. :)

My Big Fat French Family

My family makes me laugh. When a bunch of us are together, it is so busy, bustling, loud, and food is everywhere. It really does make me think of that movie...

A few snapshots: I got picked up at the airport and whisked away to supper at a new fastfood joint my mom had scoped out. My uncle had brought a young friend of his, and I had to laugh at the predicament of a poor unsuspecting visitor to our family- as he was pressed to eat more food than he could possibly eat. Everyone passed food around and shared this and that, talking louder and louder in conversations that criss-crossed the table in complicated ways.

We were on our way to see the Chronicles of Narnia. My sister bought some candy to smuggle into the theatre, and among the wealth of sweets she had were some of those fake teeth and gums thingies. The kids were having fun putting them in their mouths and smiling like they were real teeth. My 9-year-old cousin wanted to join the fun, and with his little Acadian accent (no pronouncing of "th's") he innocently said, "mom, can I have a teet'?" I busted my gut laughing right at the table, but no one else caught it until I told them after.

After eating we packed up and headed to the theatre, candy stashed in pockets and purses. I have fond memories of my pre-teen shame when going to a movie with a bunch of aunts who had decided that the movie-going experience wouldn't be complete without popcorn. So they popped some corn and brought it with them. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that I remember going through the movie ticket line-up with my aunt, who's purse was literally steaming! Good times.

Tonight we had a gathering at my aunt & uncle's. It was a fun time, as usual, with lots of laughs, hugs, and of course, too much food. I told them my comparison of our family to the Greek one in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." We had a good laugh, and then they began to argue over which aunt it would be who would tell tales of the surgery on the growth on her neck that had yielded bits of hair, teeth and bone. They settled on one, and my mom told her: "you'd be the one with the growth- with the hair and the teet'!" Hehe... we are geeks, it's true... but it's fun.

FUN TIMES... :)

Getting ready for Christmas

Well, the Christmas season is always a busy one. I have to say though, that I am enjoying it. I don't enjoy looking for parking at the mall, or getting lost in it (as I do every time! you'd think I'd learn...) but overall, it has been good.

I'm not a big gift person, but I have enjoyed getting gifts for my family, baking cookies for friends, and sending my christmas cards. I think what I have enjoyed about it all is that it has reminded me of how many amazing people have become part of my life. I don't really care if I get any more gifts, it's not really point. Of course you know that, no need for a sermon from me on the subject. :)

This past weekend I got to see a friend test for her advanced blue belt in Tae Kwon Do (go Lisa!), celebrate another friend's passing into the third decade (happy birthday to someone. :) ), and enjoyed a chinese-canadian Christmas feast (thanks Wayne and Irene!) The rest of the week is going to be busy, as I try to tie up loose ends here at the office in preparation for a 2 week holiday in New Brunswick.

*Home* on Thursday- I can't wait!

Addendum to "Asking Questions"

I realize my last post could be a bit scary for some people to read. I can remember a time when those thoughts would have scared me. I wouldn't have wanted to let myself think down those lines, let alone encourage others to. It could lead to dangerous places...

I write it now, because there is freedom to be found as well.

As I sat talking to this friend, I couldn't help noting the peace that I felt. I felt sadness for him, yes, but not in a condescending, "how could you possibly think that?" kind of way. I felt sadness for him because I understand the difficulty of that question, and others, but know that it doesn't have to end up that way.

I am not afraid of hearing people's questions about faith and christianity. I have to smile inside sometimes when someone brings out their "trump card" thinking that they will shatter the foundations of my faith. In so many different situations, times and places I have heard those questions. I don't mean to be condescending as if I have God and the universe figured out completely. Of course I don't. But I smile because I myself have asked those questions. I have asked them from some deep and tremendously painful valleys. My faith has only grown from those experiences.

I was thinking this morning about something my friend Beth Shannon said to me years ago. We were talking about proofs that God exists. She told me that the only proof that no one can refute is a transformed life.

In the end, late at night when those questions come, I believe in God not simply because of intellectual answers I have heard; I believe in Him because I cannot deny the way that He has changed my life.

He has changed my life not just in the sense that I used to do bad things and now I do good things. Goodness, if that was the extent- Lord, take me now! I could accomplish that with self will-power. No, I mean He has completely transformed my life. He brought me- to use an often-used cliche- from darkness into light. He has delivered me from depression, self-pity into freedom and peace. In the midst of incredible pain in the loss of my sister- God met me there, and gave me His peace, strength and joy- yes, joy!

Obviously I haven't arrived. But I am NOT what I once was. I've tried plenty to change myself to be the person I want to be, but those attempts have never worked. No amount of positive thinking could do the work in me that I have seen God do. Of course my words are just words, and you don't have the view that I do. I suspect though, that many of you have stories a lot like mine.

Asking questions

I caught up recently with an old friend. We sat and talked over lunch at an eclectic all-day breakfast place. It was interesting to see the different paths we've chosen, and where they've taken us.

After an awkward pause in the conversation when our food came, he told me to go ahead and pray, that he would explain later. After some more conversation I asked him about it.

He told me about how at Bible college, when I knew him, he had been searching for deeper meaning. I guess at that point he considered himself a believer. When he left, he began to ask questions about his faith, God, the Bible. It came down to one serious question.

"You'll think it's dumb," he said. He told me he couldn't get past the fact that God could send people to hell. So, the sum of it is that he decided this thing called 'faith' or more specifically 'christianity' was not for him.

I told him it wasn't dumb. I said that it is a serious question that one has to ask. I didn't try to answer the question either, because I knew that wasn't why he was telling me.

I told him that I went through a time where I had to realize that it's ok to ask questions. I think sometimes we in the church are afraid to ask questions about things we really struggle with. Is it because we are worried we won't like the answers? I need to be free to bring my honest questions to God.

I told him, "I've asked a lot of those questions myself; I've just come to different conclusions. I don't necessarily have neat, packaged answers for every one, but I've faced them, and my faith is so much stronger because of it. If God is real, He can handle my questions."

I talked too much, as usual. I just can't "catch up" with someone and not talk about God. All that has happened in the past 5 years- losing my sister, how I ended up where I am- none of it can be told without the overarching narrative of God's work in my life. If someone wants to know me, I can't pretend I'm not what I am.

I looked at him across the table and asked, "Was it a relief for you, to let go of christianity and religion?"

"No," he responded without hesitation, "It wasn't even a relief when I first made the decision."

"How do you feel about it now?"

With sadness in his eyes he said, "Lost. I feel lost."

The conversation continued for some time, and I couldn't help feeling sad for him. He is lost in a sea of faces, making his own way in the universe. The lostness isn't moving him to find his security in God, because he doesn't believe there is security to be found.

I wish I could convince him, just as I wish words could express to others what God has done for me. In the end, I can only release him to God in prayer, and trust that the Spirit will continue His work in his life.

I am selfish

After clearing off an accumulated 10 feet of snow off my car in the office parking lot, I drove to Scott & Courtney's. I have been babysitting Stephen for the evening. The poor little guy is sick, and fell asleep in my arms, which was kind of nice. It reminds me of the desire that I do have for children. But it's scary too. I have been thinking about that lately- not that I am ANYWHERE close to it.

I am afforded many luxuries as a single person. I can do whatever I want, when I want. If I make a bad personal decision, I face the consequences. Sometimes I feel the burden of responsibility, but I do enjoy my freedom.

A friend said to me recently, "Jen, be careful that you don't become too independent."

It caught me off guard, and has stuck with me. I thought I was supposed to be independent? I am... to a certain extent... but I think I carry it too far sometimes. *See kerfuffle I caused on November 16th.*

I am afraid of becoming one of those older single people who is set in her ways, and used to getting her own way.

There is something about getting married and having children that matures people. I think (as an ignorant observer) that when you move from being single to getting married, you have to confront a lot of the selfishness that you may not have even known was there, as you consider another person. It is sandpaper, part of the sanctification process. Then parenting takes it even deeper.

I guess the reason I am rambling on here is that I have realized that I am just plain selfish, and that there are no circumstances in my life forcing me not to be, in the way that my married peers are. I could just shrug it off, and enjoy my freedom... but I'm not satisfied to just give my selfishness free reign, until I someday inflict it on the poor unsuspecting chap who ends up with me. Heavens! (oh goodness, I sound like an old lady)

I don't have any answers... just the realization that there is this whole area that I want to open up to God to dig and change me. Anyone have advice?

the world doesn't need more of me

The following is a quote that I copied from Donnie's (my boss') hand-written notes. I hope I got it right. It is by Eugene Peterson, I am not sure when and where he wrote it, but it struck me deeply enough that I wanted to share it with you:

"We do not progress in the Christian life by becoming more competent, more knowledgeable, more virtuous, or more energetic.
We do not advance in the Christian life by acquiring expertise...
I want to simplify your lives.
When others are telling you to read more, I want to tell you to read less;
when others are telling you to do more, I want to tell you to do less.
The world does not need more of you; it needs more of God.
Your friends don't need more of you; they need more of God.
And you don't need more of you; you need more of God."

**Thanks to James for getting the reference: the above quote is from Eugene Peterson's book, Subversive Spirituality.**

Deven & Heather

An exciting thing happened this weekend! My little brother got engaged! I knew it was coming this weekend, but I was still excited. I am so glad that it is finally official, and I am so pleased that Heather MacRaild is going to be joining the MacDonald clan. I love Heather, she is a special girl, and Deven is a lucky man. Congratulations you two, I love you!

Found a wormhole!

I lost my voice this morning, and found it a little later on. I still sound kind of like a scratchy-voiced man though. I am kind of grumpy today too. I'll blame it on my cold, hehe. You who read this are lucky that you are not with me in person. :)

I had a good weekend though. I went to a concert on Saturday and then on Sunday travelled to Cambridge so I could share at New Harvest Fellowship in the morning service. The only problems were these: my muffler fell off my car enroute to the church, so in my church clothes I had to maneuover my way partially under the car to undo the part that was still attached. And, I was still a bit deaf from the concert, and with my voice being considerably lower than usual, when I spoke to people at church I couldn't hear myself... I hope I wasn't yelling :)

Sunday afternoon I had a great time hanging out with dear friends: Zane & Marcia, Matt & Lisa, Amy. We re-established the geekiness (and closet geekiness) of the gang (the post title is taken from that discussion). I refuse to confirm or deny my own geekiness. And even after gruelling interrogation, there are some secrets that I will take to my grave (Zane!!!)

More highlights: I got to play Barbies with Victoria (she's getting so big!) and Joshie gave me a hug! Watched a chick-flick with Marcia (just like old times) that made me cry, and finally triggered a good cry session. I spent Monday afternoon on the couch talking with Lisa- time well spent!

I also spent time with Steve & Amanda, and Steve once again fixed my car. I swear I wouldn't have a car if it weren't for those two! (Thank you guys!!) Some of the repairs took longer than expected so I stayed an extra day and came back to London Tuesday instead of Monday. Unbeknownst to me, it caused a bit of a kerfuffle... I just decided to stay, without telling anyone back home, and my mom had been trying to reach me and a few others were worried about my whereabouts and trying to track me down. Of course I am safe and sound... but next time I will be a little more responsible... yikes!

Beauty hurts

I have been meditating on beauty. I read this in a book recently:

"He remembered as though it were but a few days ago that winter night, himself too young even to know the meaning of beauty, when he had looked up at a delicate tracery of bare branches against the icy glittering stars: suddenly something that was, all at once, pain and longing and adoring had welled up in him, almost choking him. He had wanted to tell someone, but he had no words, inarticulate in the pain and glory. It was long afterwards that he realised that it had been his first aesthetic experience. That nameless something that had stopped his heart was Beauty. Even now, for him, 'bare branches against the stars' was a synonym for beauty."
(from A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken)

When I read it- I sat up straight, and said to myself, "that's it!" I've had that feeling before, but could never find words to describe it. I've felt it this Fall when I have driven through countrysides in southern Ontario, and seen the trees changing colours- almost too awesome to behold. I've felt it when looking at the flowers given to me for my birthday. There is a longing there, to fully behold it, but part of me realizes that it is too much for me. Before I can fully appreciate them, the leaves will fall from the trees, and the flowers will wilt and die. There is something about beauty that is higher than my understanding.

I think there is something that hints of God in all of this.

sure about this?

My mom asked me last night if I'm sure I want to share this much on my blog, since some of it is kind of personal. I told her I was sure. If my blog is my opportunity to share some of my journey with other people, then I want to share my real journey... not the polished and cleaned up version. Later on in the same conversation, she commented that from her observations, the people who live the most open lives are the happiest, because they don't live in fear of what others think.

I hope my sharing doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. But I guess it's your choice if you want to read it in the first place. :)

I know it is scary to see someone else go down into the depths, I think we secretly fear that they won't make it, or that God won't be enough. I've learned that when I let God take me into the depths, He brings His love there. I've learned that when I experience the depths, I can also experience heights that I would never before have imagined.

I wrote this yesterday to a friend:

A couple of years ago God challenged me with a quote from C.S. Lewis (my paraphrase, from memory) "The only place outside of heaven where one can be perfectly safe from all of the trials and perturbations of love... is hell." He challenged me not to shut down my heart, but to let it feel, to let it love, even though it could be ripped apart. The funny thing is that when I let my walls down, I learned I was right, being vulnerable let me get hurt. I have been hurt a hundred times more since that time, than I ever had before. I have also experienced more joy and wonder than I could ever have imagined. I choose a life of heights and depths, rather than the safer, middle way.

For those of you who are still worried about me: there is joy in my heart that I cannot contain.

Exquisite pain, precious peace

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."
(Ps 34:4,5)

The LORD has delivered me from all my fears, though not in a package I would have chosen. In circumstances too personal to share on a blog, He has allowed my heart to be broken. But in the midst of exquisite pain, I experience a peace and joy that is nothing short of beautiful. He has not only met me here, He lead me here. Why exactly, I don't know... but I see a few threads of the tapestry weaving together to form something more precious than I've ever imagined.
I see Him, and it takes my breath away. I hunger for Him, and see that I am complete in Christ.
I love you LORD!

Weak

I'm a mess. I was journalling this morning, and I told God that if I looked like how I feel, I'd be lying limp like a rag doll with my face in the dirt.

Then He brought to mind Psalm 34:4,5:
"I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."

Wipe that dirt off, and look to Him. ...their faces will never be ashamed

I used to pride myself on my vulnerability and transparency. Lately God has been showing me how I am still in kindergarten in this area. He's shown me that I can't go any further until I agree to let myself be weak.

He's shown me that I want to be strong, not because I want others to see His strength, but because I want them to be impressed with my faith. Wow. I had to repent of that. Thank You Father for your forgiveness! He showed me that I want to have it all together, because I am still believing the original lie: "I should be as god"- therefore weakness is shameful.

I'm a mess right now because He has shown me areas I need to let myself be weak in- and it is terrifying! I'm a mess, because it hurts so much when He digs like this. Though I agree to His work with my will, my feelings betray me at every turn.

... He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears...

Crowded to Christ

A friend showed me the quote below and it struck me. It made me think not just of the circumstances that bring us to Christ in the first place, but of the circumstances that He brings in our life after we've already received Him. It brought to mind the many difficult and painful things that drive us deeper into Him, as He shapes us into His image.

From L.E. Maxwell's book Crowded to Christ:

"I am one of the Jews who escaped from Germany," says Abraham Poljak. "I thank God for all the strokes with which I was driven from darkness to light. It is better that we arrive beaten and bleeding at the glorious goal than that we decay happily and contented in darkness. As long as things were all right with us, we did not know anything of God, and the salvation of our souls and the world beyond. Hitler's arrows and our misery have lead us to the uttermost heart. We have lost our earthly home but found the heavenly one. We have lost our economic support, but won the friendship of the ravens of Elijah. On the bitter ways of emigration we have found Jesus, the Riches of all worlds."

The whole pie

I was definitely spoiled on my birthday.

I was surprised to be so spoiled this birthday. I haven't had a really good birthday for years. I had anticipated being pretty lonely, with most friends being away, and family even further. But God showed me His love through many precious people.

In terms of gifts, I got flowers, chocolates, a ring, and taken to a fancy restaurant. I'm not even a gift person, so it was all unexpected, and that much more meaningful I guess. I think it's funny because those are the traditional "date" things and none of them were that way.

It makes me think of a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago. In Sunday School we had been discussing whether or not God was enough even if for some reason we were stripped of all our fellowship with others. One person said, "are you telling me, that if we are all by ourselves, with God, we have the whole pie??" In response to the skeptic, he said that even then we have the whole pie. It's just in more slices when God's love comes through people.

So anyway, what I'm saying is, I'm single, and I often wish I wasn't... but even though I don't have what many other people my age do, in that sense, God is not holding out on me! He'll often love me through people He has brought into my life: sometimes unexpectedly like this spoiling, sometimes just through the ups and downs of precious friendships. Sometimes I am all alone, and incredibly lonely- but even there, He is not holding out on me because He offers me Himself!

Blessings of friendship

Here I am with my friend Sarah Illsley. We have been
friends since the first grade when she rescued me from
my cousin's bullying. She came to Ontario recently and
visited me for a few days. Here we are at Niagara Falls.


Here we are at age 9? I guess we got into my mom's
makeup :)


Amanda Chapman came to Niagara Falls with us


That week my sister also came to visit me. Here we
are at the Curry Garden, enjoying yummy Indian food
and Mango Lassees.


At Swiss Chalet with my sister and friends:
Melissa, Marty and Johnny


And here is the birthday cake that I made for myself.
Ok, I'm not really as pathetic as I sound, I had to make
it for the cake decorating class- honest!