Anniversary

February 10th and March 13th are always strange days for me. Today (Feb 10th) is the anniversary of when my sister Ashley died, and March 13th is her birthday. I've never been one for dates and anniversaries being a huge deal, but for some reason this one seems big to me. Each year anniversary is like a century, or like some huge milestone separating me from that defining event.

I don't really like it actually. The passing of time brings healing, yes, but it is a little unsettling as well, because I don't want such a huge thing to be lost in my distant past. I don't want such an important person to become, with the passing of time, a far-off, and seemingly unreal memory.

And then there is always the fear of forgetting her. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember the purity and mischief in her smile. Sometimes I concentrate on remembering the softness of her hands as I held them at her bedside while she slowly passed from us. Those were moments that I tried to cherish, and imprint on my memory, having spent too many days and years not realizing our time would be so short.

There are tears in my eyes, but it is not all sad. There is joy also, in the remembrance of God's complete faithfulness, and wonder at the still unveiling masterpiece of His overarching plan.

I miss her so much, and I've given up thinking that that longing will ever go away. But I wouldn't change a thing because God was good in ways that words do not do justice to describe. And there is always the knowledge that I will see her again.