Fog-shrouded wilderness

I just had an amazing phone call with my mom. As He often has over the years, God spoke truth through her to me, and I sit here now marvelling in joy and thanksgiving.

I've been doing the devotionals every week for a class at North Park, and last night, since the scheduled speaker (Donnie) was sick, I helped another girl, Steph, to fill in. The subject: Spiritual Warfare. I am so underqualified to do so many of the things I find myself doing.

I told my mom about it, and she thought it was interesting that it worked out that way, since spiritual warfare has been one of the heavy things on my mind in the past weeks and months.

God has been rooting me in truth in the past year, affirming my identity in Christ, completely apart from what I do. He has been a father holding my chubby toddler knuckles as I take wobbly steps forward, learning to walk in the spirit, letting Christ live His life through me. More recently, although I am still learning vital lessons in those two areas, I sense Him leading me into battle- asking me to stand firm (Eph 6:11).

God has been pretty clearly calling me out in a specific way. To be honest, it feels foolish, and doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I find it hard to explain, and when I rationalize, I find myself telling God that
1.) I don't want to
2.) He can and should ask someone else
3.) I don't have the strength to face what He is asking

I've found that my rationalizations don't usually convince God. :)

I've gone back and forth so many times in my mind. Sermons, words from others, and scripture have all confirmed what I think He is asking. So I say, "ok God, I'll obey." And then there is perfect peace. Then a bit further down the line, I start thinking about the risks involved, and second-guessing, and I tell myself that I've misheard Him. And then there is gut-wrenching anxiety. Round and round it has gone.

Talking to my mom this morning was so good because she shared how things that God has layed on her heart often haven't made sense, and she has been on that same journey. I also saw the way she has obeyed, when it just didn't seem to make any sense at all... and how she is so sensitive to His voice.

I realize that I will not cultivate an awareness and sensitivity to His voice if I do not obey Him in these small things.

One of my mom's prayer for me for years has been Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a word behind you, 'This is the way, walk in it,' whenever you turn to the right or to the left."

Sometimes, on this path He has me on, all I see ahead is untamed, dangerous wilderness. To the left or right I see paths branching off that are paved and complete with street signs. I take a step or two onto them, and the voice behind me directs me back. So on I go into the fog-shrouded wilderness.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me" John 10:27