After clearing off an accumulated 10 feet of snow off my car in the office parking lot, I drove to Scott & Courtney's. I have been babysitting Stephen for the evening. The poor little guy is sick, and fell asleep in my arms, which was kind of nice. It reminds me of the desire that I do have for children. But it's scary too. I have been thinking about that lately- not that I am ANYWHERE close to it.
I am afforded many luxuries as a single person. I can do whatever I want, when I want. If I make a bad personal decision, I face the consequences. Sometimes I feel the burden of responsibility, but I do enjoy my freedom.
A friend said to me recently, "Jen, be careful that you don't become too independent."
It caught me off guard, and has stuck with me. I thought I was supposed to be independent? I am... to a certain extent... but I think I carry it too far sometimes. *See kerfuffle I caused on November 16th.*
I am afraid of becoming one of those older single people who is set in her ways, and used to getting her own way.
There is something about getting married and having children that matures people. I think (as an ignorant observer) that when you move from being single to getting married, you have to confront a lot of the selfishness that you may not have even known was there, as you consider another person. It is sandpaper, part of the sanctification process. Then parenting takes it even deeper.
I guess the reason I am rambling on here is that I have realized that I am just plain selfish, and that there are no circumstances in my life forcing me not to be, in the way that my married peers are. I could just shrug it off, and enjoy my freedom... but I'm not satisfied to just give my selfishness free reign, until I someday inflict it on the poor unsuspecting chap who ends up with me. Heavens! (oh goodness, I sound like an old lady)
I don't have any answers... just the realization that there is this whole area that I want to open up to God to dig and change me. Anyone have advice?
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7 comments:
I definitely know what you mean! I already see that in myself, just starting (continuing?) to be content and proud of self-sufficiency... mmm.... no... not good!
Well, I think in a sense that suffering produces a special type of maturity - that's what I've noticed in people anyway.
And we don't need to go look for suffering (oh, i'm sure it will come on its own!) but dying-to-self can produce equal (if not better!) results. And God gives us lots of opportunities to practice that!
I guess what I find hardest is getting it into my head that sometimes the ideas I have are not the best ones or the only ones. Something you could "practice", if you're looking for advice, is in "giving up" in small fights, areas that don't really matter in the long run - letting someone else have their own way. You are different than me, but I find that very hard. :)
heard someone say the other day that marriage leads us to "holiness"... not "happiness" -- it provides a mirror for us to see ourselves for who we really are through the eyes of another.
Yeah, as another selfish, single individual, I contemplate the emotional and moral consequence of my independance as well. Good post.
Jen,
Well, I have no advice... simply saying that I can relate all too well... However, I know that if God has been allowing me to grow deeper and deeper into this singleness... then He must have a plan for it all in the end. ...Not quite sure how one can pretend one's not single and independent when that is exactly what one is. I think that otherwise it just leads to pointless worrying.
well, I don't have any advice for you, but I have a challenge for you ... something very unselfish. I challenge you to take on two "children" as they move to London in 3 weeks. "they" will be staying with Matt's Dad, but will really need the encouragement to meet new people and discover a new city. What do you think?
ooh! How old are they? Send them to our church!
Thanks everyone for your responses!
Shona- I think you're onto something with the suffering thing. And also laying down our rights, and not pushing for our way. I think like you said we have plenty of opportunities to do that. I think as single people we are just not forced to deal with the consequences of not taking advantage of those opportunities.
James- yeah, I love that... I read that in "Sacred Marriage" about a year ago. I had developed idealistic (spiritualizing) notions about singleness, and then came across that truth. I remember the author writing how his brother asked him if it was better to be married or stay single. He responded that if he wanted to stay free to serve Jesus, he should stay single, but that if he wanted to become more like Him, he should get married.... wow!
Andrea- you're right. He has a plan for it all in the end. After I read that in the Sacred Marriage, I was a bit jaded for a while, telling God that I want Him to shape me into His likeness, and being mad that He is holding back the circumstances to make it happen. Of course He's not, and that is what I am working through... I don't want to miss those opportunities He has for me now!
Lisa- so you and Matt are officially moving to London now? Yay! I am so excited. I still feel like a newbie in London myself... but here, meet some of my London friends...
Matt and Lisa, meet Shona, James (and which Andrea?)
Shona, James, Andrea (?) meet Matt and Lisa :)
it sounds like my andrea in that comment.
and nice to meet you lisa and matt. i guess you are not children. but you are still welcome to come check out our church (open door) if you're looking for one :)
and i think i know james because i sat across from him eating chicken wings at melanie's birthday party and scared him then because i remembered the first first time i had met him. HAHA... now i'm doing it again!!! mwa ha haaaaaaaaaaa
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