Asking questions

I caught up recently with an old friend. We sat and talked over lunch at an eclectic all-day breakfast place. It was interesting to see the different paths we've chosen, and where they've taken us.

After an awkward pause in the conversation when our food came, he told me to go ahead and pray, that he would explain later. After some more conversation I asked him about it.

He told me about how at Bible college, when I knew him, he had been searching for deeper meaning. I guess at that point he considered himself a believer. When he left, he began to ask questions about his faith, God, the Bible. It came down to one serious question.

"You'll think it's dumb," he said. He told me he couldn't get past the fact that God could send people to hell. So, the sum of it is that he decided this thing called 'faith' or more specifically 'christianity' was not for him.

I told him it wasn't dumb. I said that it is a serious question that one has to ask. I didn't try to answer the question either, because I knew that wasn't why he was telling me.

I told him that I went through a time where I had to realize that it's ok to ask questions. I think sometimes we in the church are afraid to ask questions about things we really struggle with. Is it because we are worried we won't like the answers? I need to be free to bring my honest questions to God.

I told him, "I've asked a lot of those questions myself; I've just come to different conclusions. I don't necessarily have neat, packaged answers for every one, but I've faced them, and my faith is so much stronger because of it. If God is real, He can handle my questions."

I talked too much, as usual. I just can't "catch up" with someone and not talk about God. All that has happened in the past 5 years- losing my sister, how I ended up where I am- none of it can be told without the overarching narrative of God's work in my life. If someone wants to know me, I can't pretend I'm not what I am.

I looked at him across the table and asked, "Was it a relief for you, to let go of christianity and religion?"

"No," he responded without hesitation, "It wasn't even a relief when I first made the decision."

"How do you feel about it now?"

With sadness in his eyes he said, "Lost. I feel lost."

The conversation continued for some time, and I couldn't help feeling sad for him. He is lost in a sea of faces, making his own way in the universe. The lostness isn't moving him to find his security in God, because he doesn't believe there is security to be found.

I wish I could convince him, just as I wish words could express to others what God has done for me. In the end, I can only release him to God in prayer, and trust that the Spirit will continue His work in his life.