Well, I'm back home now. I arrived at my home finally early this morning. I had lots of time to think on the planes, in airports, and in Bangkok during my day there on my own. It was good, because there was a lot to think about and process. I wanted to share some of it.
More musings on love: I've been wrestling with this- what is appropriate, and what's not appropriate?
After a lot of wrestling with it- things I've been taught over the years, weighed with what I think God is telling me- I've come to the not-exactly-earth-shattering conclusion that I am ALWAYS one hundred percent free to love.
My own selfishness and weakness scare me, and I rightly know that I cannot trust my own self-serving motivations, or toxic version of love. But God's love in me I can always trust. I am always free to offer God's love, because God's love in me sincerely desires His best for each person. My own love would easily wound another as it seeks its own ends and gratification, but God's love in me will seek purely, for another's best. There is a precious, if sometimes temporarily bittersweet, joy, in laying down what I want, to embrace the choice to freely offer the pure and unconditional love of God to others.
On the last leg of my journey home late last night (and early this morning), as these conclusions were crystallizing, I thought about what I want to accomplish in this life, and I once again concluded that my desire is to leave a legacy of love. I want people to someday say that more than anything, the love of God flowed through me to them, in nourishing, empowering, and healing ways. I want my life to be an expression of the love of God.
I feel a bit silly saying this in such a public place, because I am all too aware of how open and vulnerable it leaves me to all of you, who know me, and know just how far my life and relationships fall from such a lofty goal.
There was one point at the conference where we were praying for each other in small groups, and I shared this desire, at the same time feeling silly and inadequate, knowing how I fall short. Their prayer for me affected me deeply, as they asked God to show me that the vision that He has given me, is one that He will bring to pass. They prayed that I would trust the desires that He places on my heart, as from Him.
So, I guess I share this all now, not thinking that I have it all figured out, and that you'd better all learn from me. :) I'm humbled to know how much more clearly you than I can see how much I fall short. But I do share with joy for the freedom I have to love, confidence that He will be faithful to complete the work He has begun in me, and excitement, to see how the road ahead unfolds.
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