Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The trip home... thoughts on grief

I spent just a few days in New Brunswick last week, and was thankful for the opportunity to be home for my grandmother's funeral. In some ways I don't think it has sunk in yet. The first few days after I found out were busy, so I kept myself and my thoughts occupied until I could be home with my family.

I found myself starting to dislike answering the question of whether or not I was close with my grandmother. What does close mean? Does it mean I called her every week, or had sleepovers all the time with her? In the end, she was my grandmother... a role no one can fill or replace. There is a richness, stability and rootedness in my life that she brought, and her loss will alwas be felt.

I'm tired of grief being something we are supposed to go through, to get over. You don't "get over" grief. The pain of it fades over time, it moves from a raw pain at the front of your consciousness to an ache that is just a part of who you are. I'm not "over" my grandfathers'deaths, I'm certainly not over my sister's death, and not over my grandmother's death. They were all people too important in my life to be forgotten through something as insignificant as the passing of time.

That's part of why I sometimes hope people don't ask me how many siblings I have. It's a personal thing, that I refuse to ever only name my living siblings. I have 2 living siblings, but I have 3 siblings. But when the question comes up, it often leads to an uncomfortable discussion, because people trying to make small talk don't want to hear about a death in the family. She just is, and always will be, too important to pretend she didn't exist, merely for the sake of keeping conversation light.

Ah grief. It's part of life... but that doesn't make it easier. God does do good things through it though. Emerging from ashes and dark valleys my eyes are opened to see beauty and love, and even hope.

Anyway, it was good to be with my big fat French family for a few days, and to be there for the funeral with them. Good time with family, even in the midst of sad times is always a blessing. Below is a picture with Deven & Heather and Melanie.


“It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock, and but gropingly gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their full import is mercifully wanting. The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss—that is all. It will take mind and memory months, and possibly years, to gather together the details, and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss." Mark Twain

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good thoughts Jennifer... grief is such a strange thing... never comfortable and often dismissed as so much less than it is.

I really respect your value on life and your family... and your honesty.

farfromhome said...

Yeah, I agree, thank you for sharing that post.

I read this quotation the other day, and thought of you, so I thought I'd share it.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
-Washington Irving

solnechko said...

it's funny because "how many siblings do you have" is such a seemingly innocent question. so often we ask things/ say things that we have no idea have any effect on people.

Anonymous said...

This is by far my favourite post.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Ditto on Amy's comments

Jennifer said...

Thanks all of you- I appreciate your comments. It's so nice to have a place to talk about things like this, and wow, am I lucky to have people actually read it and relate to it as well.

and farfromhome- thanks for the quote, it is a great one.