Everything in my life is uncertain.
If I had been able to have my way in the past few years, this would not be the situation of my life, and these would not be my circumstances. Finding myself here now though, there is no other place I'd rather be.
It is difficult though. I find myself out in the wilderness, with no one, and nothing, that is steady, constant and certain.
At Christmas, while with my family, it hit me hard that NB is no longer my home. I will always be welcome there- will love and be loved- but I don't belong. 2000 km away, I live with various roommates over time (last count 24 in all) and am blessed by each of them. But we each move on into different phases of life. Nothing steady.
For years I held onto "my plans" with a fiery passion. If the people in my life were not constant, at least I had my plans and ambitions to hold onto. Now, all I know is that nothing is certain. Right now, God gives me just enough light to be able to take the next step, not to see into the far-reaching horizon.
This is when I can struggle most with being single: when I can envy my friends who have someone to help them when the car breaks down, to help make financial decisions, and who for better or for worse will be a companion at their side.
But praise God for bringing me here. In this uncertainty, I can only rest where true certainty is found. Drawn away from the safety and security of life in dependence on anyone or anything else, I am forced to find in Him, everything I need.
This is a season of my journey for which I am enormously grateful. I have asked many of you to pray for the refining of my faith, that it would go through the fire and come out purified into something beautiful. I have to admit I winced as I wrote that in my last prayer letter. But greater than the fear of pain in what the answer might mean, I hunger for the fulfillment of its purpose. This is my journey, and I don't want to move up from here unless God is in it.
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2 comments:
Hello Jennifer,
Love the blog. It's good to hear what is going on in your life.
Keep in touch.
Hey Jen ... uncertainty is a scary thing. It must be scary being away from family and wondering what is behind the next door, but one thing is certain. I will always be your friend. I know we can't hang out all the time, but the friendship will always be there. For anyone who is reading this, Jen is one of the most amazing woman I have ever known. She is so real and so passionate. Keep praying for her and learn what you can from her because she is one in a million! :) We love you Jen
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