Confessions of an optimistic melancholic

I worry sometimes about the nature of my posts, and how it must seem that there is always "something". I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a melancholic person, and that the darkness will never be far away. The twist though is that I'm what you might call an optimisitic melancholic; as a child of God, the darkness may be close by, but my eyes are being opened to see how the love of God is present in and transforms even the darkest place.

I laugh at myself sometimes because of how I seem to make everything more complicated than it needs to be, or at least more complicated than it seems to be for others. I guess I just like to dig, and explore, and I have endless questions to ask. Most often I come back to the simple answers, with a new understanding that what at first seemed trite has a depth and richness that I can barely fathom.

This morning I was exploring the stirrings of something that has been scarce lately. "What is that feeling? I know that one..." It's joy. Instead of trying not to look at my fears and anxieties, my eyes are looking to Jesus. Looking at Him, the joy returns, I rest in His peace, and suddenly I can enjoy today's blessings that were simply the source of anxiety when I looked directly at them.

Echo

Some days I would like to just echo what I've written in another post.

Aarrghh!

A Weaned Child

I was looking through archives of a newsletter we send out to our members, and found an article Donnie wrote a while back. He quoted Psalm 131:

"My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

Good words for me to remember in this "control" issue.

"A child who is not weaned grapples for their mother's breast, almost fighting to ensure they get the desired food. A weaned child is simply satisfied with their mother's presence. This, says David, is normative for those of us who humble ourselves before God. We find rest for our souls and joy simply being in His presence."

I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me...

Letting go. :)

Control

I usually think of myself as being pretty easy-going, but I'm starting to recognize how selective I am about it. I'm easy-going about things that don't involve personal or emotional risk: I don't care if my roommate didn't unload the dishwasher, or get stressed about plans I make with friends. It's easy to see that people are more important than always having my way in those details.

BUT, when I'm insecure, I am a control freak. Over and over again through the past years God has pushed me to recklessly trust in Him. The only problem is that when I do that in a fallen world, I often get hurt. We all do. Sometimes I have the perspective that the heights are worth the depths, but then at other times it feels like the depths are all I see, and I lose sight of Him.

At times like that I find myself so ridiculously cautious. I try to build a perfectly safe place for myself, and put up safeguards to keep out people who could hurt me. And then I find myself lonely in that carefully contructed existence because ultimately no one is safe. I'm frustrated when I realize that I'm not a safe person, and find myself inadvertently hurting others.

I analyze and over-analyze and look for formulas to show me the right way of doing things and in the end it always makes less sense than before.

So, I might as well give up trying to figure out all the answers, and just be. I might as well just live and love and give recklessly, knowing that I will get hurt sometimes... but that if I don't risk, I'll miss all the good things too. I may as well give up trying to do it all right because:

a.) I mess it up all the time as it is, and
b.) God creates ex nihilo (from nothing) and my screw-ups don't ruin His plans anyway

This isn't exactly rocket science, and I've learned it all before, but here I am again having to lay down my safeguards and controls. It's frightening, but also a relief, to once again, give up control, or at least the illusion of it. I never had it in the first place.

Why dreams must die

I wanted to share a good article I read on the BBC world news site. It's what I think is a pretty balanced treatment of a polarizing subject.

You can read it here.

I'd write more, because like many, I feel very strongly about this subject, but in the end, all I want to point out is that on both sides of this hotly debated issue are real people. On both sides are brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as many who don't know Him. All, loved by God.

If we as the church would recognize that, we would see the only hope for peace in the Middle East is found in Christ; through us, He offers His love, grace, and reconciliation to hurting people.

A great visit

My parents left this morning. They'd been visiting since Saturday, and I have to say, it's been a great week. I have great parents. It was fun showing them around London, and introducing them to new people and new experiences. I kept them pretty busy. I made them try Middle Eastern food (Falafel, Shawarma, Hummus), Bubble tea, and Indian food (Butter chicken, Chicken Tikka, Beef Curry, Onion Bhajis, Nan bread, Mango Lassis, etc). We went on a double-decker bus tour of London (yes, they have those here :) ) and they joined in on wing night, weighing in with their opinions in the weekly judging. Dad got to fit in a round of golf, and came with me to the gym to work out. They enjoyed meeting the great friends and co-workers that I have, and it reminded me of how blessed I am to have such great people around me. It was a full week, and I enjoyed it.

Oh yeah, and happy anniversary mom & dad! 27 years!

Following up- (Faithless and Fickle)

I haven't followed up on my Faithless and Fickle post- about the discouragement I'd been feeling, resulting from lingering bitterness and not feeling close to God.

I did have some good reflective time in NB, and some quality time spent with Him that reminded me of how much more precious intimacy with Him is, than anything else. I wish I could say that I am currently enjoying at least the same intimacy with Him that I had come to enjoy before my bitter season. I was a bit frustrated, but now it seems fitting that I be, right now, exactly where I am.

In reading Jeremiah 29, it occurred to me that we women reflect the character of God a bit in this way: God deeply desires intimacy with us, and that intimacy is not something so cheap as to be dished out whenever a fickle child like me capriciously demands it. It is given in smaller doses, drawing us on, drawing us deeper. As we respond, and declare His value by pursuing Him with our whole heart... He delights in giving Himself to us. I think that is a part of why He created women with the need to be pursued, so that there would an earthly picture of His desire to be pursued by us, and of course, what He has done to pursue us.

So I continue fumbling down the sometimes painful, but always worthwhile journey of pursuing Him, even as I learn to recognize His relentless pursuit of me.

I say such stupid things

This morning I had to make a phone call to a local business, and the woman who answered the phone, fumbled over the words she must say dozens of times a day. She fumbled and stuttered the name of the company literally about five times. We had a laugh, but I could tell she was embarassed.

There aren't long stretches of time between the situations where I literally hit myself on the forhead, or shake my head in utter amazement at the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I try to be funny, and I end up sounding like I'm criticizing. I try to be smart, and I sound like a moron. :) It seems to happen so often, and I always feel annoyed with myself for doing it, again.

I taught a session this morning to the short-termers who are in an orientation here this week. It was about Truth & Lies: the lies we struggle with, and the truth about who we are in Christ. It made me think about this whole "saying stupid things" issue.

When I beat myself up about saying something stupid, it's because I'm mad at myself for not being perfect. When I'm mad at myself for not being perfect, it's because I'm believing the lie that I am supposed to be perfect. I'm believing that if I am not perfect, others will reject me. Underlying that is the belief that what others think of me defines who I am as a person.

So, what is the truth? Well, the truth is, I do say stupid things more often than I'd like to. Also true, is the fact that I am far from perfect. BUT I don't need to be perfect, and I don't even need to be liked by everyone (though it would be nice :) ). I am loved and accepted by God, just the way I am. And in the end, the people through whom God loves me the most obviously, are not the ones who have seen me just at my most Spirit-filled and lead moments. They are the ones who have seen the most ridiculous sides of me, and even borne the brunt of my annoyingness, crabbiness, and ... um, forceful personality.

Deven & Heather's wedding

Well the vacation is over now, and I'm finally posting the pictures from the wedding. Like I said before, it was a beautiful day. With the cake, MC-ing the reception, and spending half the day behind the camera, the day passed quickly, but I enjoyed it. Here are my pictures:

Deven with mom before the wedding.

Our cousin Joshua, a junior groomsman

My dad, proud father of the groom

Deven had the idea of putting chapstick on the ring so it wouldn't get stuck on Heather's knuckle during the srevice... I just hope it hasn't fallen off.

Deven, serious and just managing to keep it all in while waiting for Heather, who was a wee bit late for the ceremony. Our grandmother (MacDonald), sitting next to me, kept whispering loudly to Deven, "She's not coming!" I'm sure he appreciated the humour...

Exchanging their vows

The beautiful bride, all smiles

Husband and wife

They surprised Heather's parents and relatives (who had travelled from Scotland to be at the wedding) with a bagpiper who played as they left the church

Our cousin Christy, the flower girl

Both of our families: MacRailds and MacDonalds

Sometimes they forget that there are other people in the universe... hehe... but I guess that is ok (normal?) for newlyweds :)

At the reception, listening to my parents' speeches. The MC-ing went well, except when I introduced Heather's dad as the father of the groom. Oops... I should know!

At the end of a long a good day, me with my little brother Deven- I'm proud of him, and happy for him. It makes me happy to see him so happy, and to know how much he loves this woman he now calls his wife. And I'm so glad to welcome Heather into our family.

The cake

The wedding is over now, and Deven and Heather are off on their honeymoon. I have a number of pictures to post, but I'll leave you for now with just a picture of the cake. It was pretty simple, like I anticipated, but I got a lot of compliments on it. I didn't let them go to my head though, since I'm pretty sure the general amazement was directly related to the low expectations most people had. :)
So here it is: first, the plain cake, then dressed up a bit, with my handsome brother and his beautiful bride.



(p.s- it was a beautiful wedding, but I'll post more on that later. For now, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation)

Faithless and fickle

(Blogger was down for maintenance last night, so I'm posting a bit late)
I'm in New Brunswick. It is so nice to be able to enjoy family again. Right now I'm sitting up later than I should, enjoying the company of my dad as I write, while he works on his cryptogram puzzles. It's been a busy few days since I arrived early yesterday morning, after a sleepless night of travel (2 am Robert Q shuttle bus, 5 am check-in for 6:30 am flight).

I'm glad for this time away because I need it. You may have noticed the lack of significant depth in most of my posts lately. Partly, it's because I've kept myself so busy, but mostly because I've not been hearing anything from God. I've let bitterness get in the way of intimacy with Him. I think part of the reason I've kept myself so busy in the first place is to avoid feeling the discouragement that has followed the bitterness I've allowed to take root. If you want to know the honest truth, I've been angry with God (though denying it to myself), and avoiding Him.

But I miss Him. And I realize that I don't have much to share on here, other than work, or pictures, because when I'm avoiding Him, I can't connect with you. I've been pretty discouraged lately, to be honest, and I think that I simply can't purely enjoy anything, if I'm not enjoying Him. When I'm not acknowledging Him, all of my other interactions warp, as I seek my own gain rather than others'.

The other night, Amy (#26) and I went for a night walk, and sat by the river for a while in silence, enjoying the soothing sounds of the water passing by, and the silver reflections of the moon on the ripples. In that short quiet and reflective time, God reminded me that I have a life full of good things. I'm frustrated by my inability to enjoy them, but He's shown me that I'll miss out on all of those blessings if I am not enjoying Him.

I'm thankful for these days with my family, and for the time and space to turn my eyes back to the beautiful sight of my Abba Father. I'm so faithless, and so fickle, but He always offers grace and love.

Ok, now I need to go to bed.

Melanie & Ryan

I just wanted to say congratulations to my good friend Melanie Froese on her engagement to Ryan Johnson.

Mel and I have been through a lot together over the past few years: travelling together to the Middle East and Thailand, long road trips, ethnic food and foreign movies, momentous prayer times, being co-workers, being roommates, working and growing through conflicts (oh, the ugly sides of me she has seen!) :) lots of laughter, and some tears... but the best has just been journeying alongside her as we go deeper into God, digging into what He's teaching and doing in and through us. I've seen God evidently at work in her life, transforming her more and more into a woman of grace, faith and the love of God.

I look forward to more memories, and to getting to know the new brother I am getting in Ryan.

Addition to the cake portfolio

Courtney asked me to make a cake for a baby shower. I made it last night after my Christian Horizons shift. I'm happy with it.

As I write, I'm sampling a bit of the extra cake. I experimented with a new recipe, and it has turned out quite well, so I'm putting that aside for Deven & Heather's.

I've got pretty much everything that I'll need together for their cake, and I'm excited, and just a bit nervous. :)

Work=Life=Problems

Lately when people ask me "what's new?" all I have to share are things work-related. Life has mostly been consumed with work lately. Here are a few highlights:

• It took a bit of effort to get caught up after the travels to Thailand and BC, but I'm starting to feel like I've got a handle on things again.
  
• PIONEERS Canada Board meeting over the weekend. The first one I've attended, so I took copious notes... throwing most of them away after producing a few pages of minutes. It was actually more interesting than I expected. Despite the fact that it rained during our bbq with them on Friday night, and was beautiful and sunny while we were stuck indoors all day on Saturday, I enjoyed it all. I even got to have breakfast with Dr. Frizen before the meeting, and enjoyed hearing some of his story, and the decades of history he has experienced in mission.
• A handful of shifts at Christian Horizons have been filling my free time
  
• I am about to tackle a major overhaul of our website. It's going to look like a real mess for a few days, but the end result will hopefully be a good improvement. (Click to see mess :) )

All for now. I've got to tackle that website.

(missing from board picture: Dr. David Barker)

Back from Pittsburgh

For the long weekend, I went across the border, and down to Pittsburgh with some of my friends from London. Some of my coworkers were teasing me about going to "Pittsburgh" of all places. I didn't see a lot of the city, but I liked what I did see. We spent most of our time shopping. I bought a LOT more than I intended, and I am still working on rationalizing and justifying all of it. :)

I stayed in the little town of McDonald, Pennsylvania. What a nice name for a town. If only it had that "a" :)

Our group and our host and family at the Olive Garden.

Our group doing a bit of sightseeing in Pittsburgh. I love how I apparently have the plague in this picture. :)

Me with Irene. I feel like I still don't know many people in London, and I have to say that I am so thankful for Irene's friendship. She and Wayne have me over for supper all the time, and have been such encouragements in what otherwise would have been much more lonely years. She's also my artistic friend whose creative touch on things always inspires me to new ideas.
Pittsburgh skyline
Irene and Christian

Eating a massive roast beef sandwich at Primanti Brothers... yes, those are french fries in the sandwich. I had it without coleslaw (yuck!!) and it was pretty good

Pictures from Vancouver

I spent a few days with friends and PI members in Vancouver on my way back from Thailand. It was my first time in British Columbia... and now I am wondering why I live in Ontario? :)

A view from Burnaby

Beautiful mountain views. It seemed like there were always mountains in sight, even in the city they could be seen peeking through, between buildings.

In Stanley Park

Deep Cove

Marie showed me around

An Inukshuk in English Bay ("Now the people will know we were here...":)) The symbol/logo for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

A record of my first time in the Pacific ocean off the Canadian coast. I miss the ocean so much when I am in Ontario. I've been trying to convince Donnie we need to relocate the PIONEERS office in Vancouver. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Pictures from Thailand

It was nice to have travelling companions for once. It made for stimulating conversation during long hours waiting for connecting flights.... ok, we just tried to sleep mostly, and took turns keeping an eye on the bags. Above is Mel in Chicago, and Scott in Tokyo. As for me... well I'm the one with the camera :)
We had an overnight layover in Bangkok, and we took the opportunity to try out "the Atlanta"- a budget hotel with personality (Mel and I paid $20 total for our room for the night)
The foyer of the Atlanta, apparently unchanged since the 1950s. It really is quite a cool place.
We flew to Chiang Mai the next day, a city in Northern Thailand. I don't have many good pictures of Chiang Mai, as most of the time was spent in meetings and etc at the conference. Here is one of a busy night market.

A local Thai woman
A Chiang Mai McDonald's

We took this picture to show Donnie how hard we were working :)

Meeting some great people from Australian mobilization

One of many meetings, an informal one with some other mobilizers from NZ, Australia and the US.

Melanie and I at the closing banquet

With Dr. Frizen, one of our board members who attended the conference. He has over 60 years of experience in missions, and was one of my favorite people there.A Sunday lunch with some more great Aussies. Time spent with them helped rekindle my passion for mobilization.

On Saturday night and Sunday I spent some time with Beth, who is living in Thailand, sent out from my home church in London. I appreciated the time spent with her, she is a fantastic girl. You can visit her blog here.

not-exactly-earth-shattering (but a big deal to me)

Well, I'm back home now. I arrived at my home finally early this morning. I had lots of time to think on the planes, in airports, and in Bangkok during my day there on my own. It was good, because there was a lot to think about and process. I wanted to share some of it.

More musings on love: I've been wrestling with this- what is appropriate, and what's not appropriate?

After a lot of wrestling with it- things I've been taught over the years, weighed with what I think God is telling me- I've come to the not-exactly-earth-shattering conclusion that I am ALWAYS one hundred percent free to love.

My own selfishness and weakness scare me, and I rightly know that I cannot trust my own self-serving motivations, or toxic version of love. But God's love in me I can always trust. I am always free to offer God's love, because God's love in me sincerely desires His best for each person. My own love would easily wound another as it seeks its own ends and gratification, but God's love in me will seek purely, for another's best. There is a precious, if sometimes temporarily bittersweet, joy, in laying down what I want, to embrace the choice to freely offer the pure and unconditional love of God to others.

On the last leg of my journey home late last night (and early this morning), as these conclusions were crystallizing, I thought about what I want to accomplish in this life, and I once again concluded that my desire is to leave a legacy of love. I want people to someday say that more than anything, the love of God flowed through me to them, in nourishing, empowering, and healing ways. I want my life to be an expression of the love of God.

I feel a bit silly saying this in such a public place, because I am all too aware of how open and vulnerable it leaves me to all of you, who know me, and know just how far my life and relationships fall from such a lofty goal.

There was one point at the conference where we were praying for each other in small groups, and I shared this desire, at the same time feeling silly and inadequate, knowing how I fall short. Their prayer for me affected me deeply, as they asked God to show me that the vision that He has given me, is one that He will bring to pass. They prayed that I would trust the desires that He places on my heart, as from Him.

So, I guess I share this all now, not thinking that I have it all figured out, and that you'd better all learn from me. :) I'm humbled to know how much more clearly you than I can see how much I fall short. But I do share with joy for the freedom I have to love, confidence that He will be faithful to complete the work He has begun in me, and excitement, to see how the road ahead unfolds.

Slice of heaven

The conference is over now. I've just had the most phenomenal week.

In the past few days, I have worshipped with people from every continent, shared tearful prayers with a Solomon Islander brother in Christ, in response to a profound devotional by a Brazilian leader. I have participated in the laying on of hands and prayer over African brothers and sisters, while they listened to a French translation over headsets. I have sat around until 1:30am discussing what "community" really means, and finding it, with dear brothers and sisters from Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. I've been convicted by the admonition and teaching of a Ghanaian leader. I have been moved by the testimony of a Chinese brother, and the prayers of an Arab fellow believer.

We have all been moved by the slice of heaven we have experienced here in the joyful fellowship of a multicoloured and diverse gathering of children of God. What profound power the gospel has to cross boundaries.

I've stumbled along clumsily in French in a few conversations with friends from Africa, and have so appreciated finding the joy of fellowship in what we have in common which is so much bigger than what separates us, even though we barely understand together.

I keep wishing people at home could have the opportunity to experience this slice of heaven. I'd like to see more of this even in Canada. I have some ideas... but more prayer and time is needed for now.

Smooth as Silk

The title is from a box of food we got on the Thai Air portion of our trip here. The cover was this mix of colours, with Smooth as Silk written on it. We laughed, it was just so extra appetizing with that intro. It was fish sticks, salad and "salad cream." I have been taking pictures of funny signs that I have seen because afterwards I always wish that I had. I'll share those when I can download my pictures back home on my computer.

So, I've arrived safely in Thailand, and have been enjoying the conference here for the past 4 days. I wish I had room and time to share all of the experiences I've been having here. One of the things that I have been thinking about, and desiring to share is the experience of the ethnic diversity of the church. I started thinking about it when I was in Chicago for our layover there, and I was so tired but there was a group of people in the rows of seats behind me who were making so much noise, it was a bit annoying. They were just talking and laughing, very relaxed, and not doing anything wrong- I was just grumpy.

I turned and looked back and saw a group of Americans from a broad spectrum of racial backgrounds, ages and both genders. It was interesting to watch them, and it struck me, "I bet these people are Christians." I began to think of how that kind of ethnic diversity and harmony is not an extremely common sight, and it seemed a logical conclusion to me to think they are believers. Sure enough, I soon heard them talk about Jesus.

I've been thinking a lot about that this week as well, as I can't get away from it. The church and even the membership of PIis getting pretty diverse, and there is such a consensus of joy as we experience it. Just a snapshot: our worship team contains believers from UK, Madagascar, NZ, Solomon Islands, Ghana, US and Kyrgyzstan. This morning we were enormously blessed as a large group of our African brothers and sisters lead worship for us (you may assume it was a little more lively :) )

Yesterday, a brother from the Solomon Islands shared about what is going on there right now, in riots and demonstrations and the Chinese population being targeted in Honiara. (See part of story). We prayed for him, and other leaders and as he left the platform, I was struck by the powerful image of seeing a Chinese brother step up and offer a tearful embrace.

I just think the harmony of people from many nations is a testimony to the glory of God, and to the truth and power of the gospel to break down divisive walls and bring healing.