No good excuses- breaking the silence

Well I've fallen even further behind in my blogging. As long as I nurse my guilty conscience and try to make excuses, the lack of posting continues. So... no excuses (no good ones anyway) and back to posting. :)

Tozer quote

I can do no more justice to the awesome wonder-filled theme called love than a child can grasp a star. Still by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it and even indicate the direction one might look to see it. So, as I stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God, someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up and have hope."

-From Knowledge of the Holy by AW Tozer

Living up to expectations :)

I've received some criticism for my recent lack of blogging. So instead of burying myself in the shame of knowing I've failed expectations, I thought I would post tonight, so I can sleep with a clean conscience.

Well I have started an as yet unnamed 3 part series... but I'm not sure I'll publish it. We'll see. For now, I'll tell you about my day.

My sister is visiting from NB for a few days and of course that is fun. She always keeps life interesting.

I started my belly dancing class tonight, and I love it! I know I am going to have so much fun. I was better than I expected, but my expectations were low, so that wasn't hard. I learned a few moves: shimmies, hip circles, figure-eights. At the end of the 8 week class we'll have learned the full choreography for a dance, along with all the necessary moves. I am genuinely excited, it's going to be so much fun.***

Then I went to wing night, at Bernie's on Adelaide. A decent place, and some decent flavours and hotness... but there weren't consistent gradations of hotness. (And yes, gradations is a word... a fact which was contested tonight) I still need to tally the score, but I think it will be about mid-range.

Maybe tomorrow I will post about my trip. Until then, this will have to do! :)

*** Note: Please do not ask for a demonstration... probably not going to happen. :)

Back

I'm back! More to follow... pictures and stories. For now I need to dig myself out of the avalanche of backed up emails I've found myself in.

Introducing #27

Meet my new roommate Andrea (#27). Here she is Saturday morning after reading my pathetic blog entry on Friday night and feeling sorry for me. She made me yummy berry pancakes and bacon, and we sat and talked for a while, which was nice. I met Andrea over two years ago, she was one of the first people I met outside of work here in London. We've typically stayed in touch every few months, going for coffee, or out for supper, etc since then.

I'm really thankful for the way that it worked out for Amy (#26) and I to move in with Andrea. The timing worked out unexpectedly and perfectly for us. The only sad thing is that we are hardly going to see each other this fall. Andrea is in California this week, and is back for two days before I fly to Seattle and Vancouver for a week, and then when I finish that trip, Amy will have just left for Alberta for two weeks!

When our travel settles down, I look forward to lots of good roommate times together.

Bored!

I am so bored.

I guess it's kind of an embarassing admission to make on a Friday night. Why am I home, alone, with nothing to do? A perfectly reasonable question, which probably has a perfectly good answer. I guess I'd say, that my roommates are out/away, this friend is away, that friend has this thing, etc. I don't know. I just know that I'm bored and lonely and it's Friday night and that's kind of depressing.

It seems like kind of a new low to resort to blogging out of boredom; usually I blog because there is something I can't wait to write about. I'm afraid this post may turn out to be as boring as my evening plans. :)

I could tell you about what's new with me... yes, let's do that.

Well, I moved. Phew! It's tiring, and I didn't even own any furniture to move. My stuff just kept multiplying though. I can't complain though because I did have a lot of help. I've been busy settling in and getting my newroom set up. I think it's looking pretty good now.

Amy (#26) and I moved in with Andrea, who owns this house. That makes Andrea #27. I'll post a picture with her soon. Andrea is a super girl that I've known for several years, and I am thrilled that it worked out for us to move in with her. She also happens to read this blog... hi Andrea! I hope you come home soon so I have someone to talk to tonight!

Um, what else... well I've been busy getting ready for the Asian Fellowship to start (I work with the kids), and with a committee through NP. With work, things are crazy as we prepare for another board meeting, the next day after which I will fly to Seattle for a week of orientation there, and a few days in Vancouver. Of course there is Wing night as well, always fun, and lots of good new friends (where are they all now! :) ) And then this week we're hosting a shower for Melanie...

Mmm wings. I think I am getting addicted, or else I am all the way addicted. Maybe I'll just go out for wings by myself. Is that bad? Kind of pathetic possibly, don't tell anyone!

Experience-junkie

The Spectrum (catalogue of local classes offered) came recently and I have a long list of classes I want to sign up for. If I had unlimited funds, and the time to do it all I'd sign up for at least these ones:

• Introductory Massage
• Landscape Design (Beginners)
• French
• Digital Photography
• Rock Climbing
• Middle Eastern Dancing
• Breads of India
• Pottery
  

Then there's the list of cooking classes offered by the local Superstore.

I was a little concerned when I looked at my eclectic list of potential interests, and recent interests (cake decorating, running, working out, scrapbooking, card-making). The list really goes on and on. Some become part of my life, and some don't beyond the initiation. I wondered if I am just flakey.

I think I've figured it out though. I want to try almost everything. I'm not looking to be an expert at every thing I try, but I enjoy each new experience of trying something I've never done before. I'm a bit of an experience-junkie (a term I coined that my sister makes fun of).

Another thing that has concerned me lately is the dilemma I find myself in:

As I was growing up, I was instilled with a solid belief that I could do anything. I've always been confident that I could do whatever I set my mind on, and have therefore made my life choices so far not based on what I had to do, or could only do, but on what I wanted to do.

Now, I'm 25, still pretty young, but thinking about all the things I want to do with my life, and realizing that it will be impossible to do them all. By making choices to include some things, I necessarily exclude other things.

The thing right now I guess, is to take advantage of the time and freedom I have right now. I don't want to wake up in 50 years and realize that I haven't much time left to tackle my "List of things to do before I die." I'd better order my life in such a way that I am taking advantage of the opportunities and time I have now.

What's that Latin phrase that's quoted way too often... oh right... carpe diem! :) This fall it's Middle Eastern dancing, sewing, drumming and maybe a bit more cake decorating.

1 year of blogging- 100th post

This is my 100th post. I've now been blogging for a little over a year. I think I may keep this up after all. :)

Blogs are interesting things. I've got a list of blogs that I read fairly regularly, and I like the way blogs let me follow along with someone's life even if we don't get to see each other often. Even for those I do see often, it's interesting to see the experiences/thoughts/pictures that they do choose to share, because inevitably I see a different side of them.

I recently looked over the last year's posts, all 99, and thought it was interesting that so much of my life and experience from the past year has been captured on here. At the same time though, I realize how limited something like this is. There's so much more to me than 99 blogs posts. It just made me stop and reflect on how complicated people are. Me, and everyone else.

It just makes life more fun, to be able to recognize and enjoy the endless mystery of each person around me.

Wing night

Tiger Jack's, Wednesday Aug 17th. 21 people (+2 kids). Our biggest turnout yet. It was nice to meet some new people, and some others from the blogosphere. I'll post the score soon.

The Wing Project

You may remember the debacle of the "pilates and wings" experience a few months back. The pilates didn't work out so well, but Amy and I united in our love for good chicken wings. We started wondering where the best places are for wings in London, and out of that experience came the Wing Project.
We've gathered a core group around us and started trying out a different wing place in the city each week. We record our opinions, judging various flavours, size, texture, as well as presentation, service, and atmosphere of the place itself. We've been to 7 places and will be visiting the 8th tonight.
Here is an open invitation to any Londoners, to join us at Tiger Jack's on Wharncliffe, at 9 pm.

Some of the group at Killaly Bar & Grill

Vicky & Christian's wedding

I'm still alive... in case you were wondering. Here are some snapshots from the the gap in my blogging:

NEW FRIENDS
I met Vicky at the beginning of July at one of our wing nights, and we hung out almost every day before she moved to Winnipeg this week. Here are pictures from her July 29th wedding:

The beautiful bride before the wedding

Me with one of the flower-girls, Gracie. I had the job of telling the flower-girls when to go down the aisle, and closing and opening the door for Vicky to go down when the second violin started playing. Vicky and I were poised just outside with our ears to the door whispering to each other, "Is that the second violin??" When we figured out that I'd missed the cue, I swung the door open a little too quickly, slamming it loudly against the wall. :)

The ceremony.With the beautiful bride after the ceremony.
(I miss you Vicky!)

MUSKOKA RETREAT
Our yearly team retreat at Muskoka. This is my third year in a row. See last year's post.

Deep in thought of course.Discussing major life issues with Eilleen and Melanie on the dock :)Mini-golf at Santa's Village on a team evening.

Confessions of an optimistic melancholic

I worry sometimes about the nature of my posts, and how it must seem that there is always "something". I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a melancholic person, and that the darkness will never be far away. The twist though is that I'm what you might call an optimisitic melancholic; as a child of God, the darkness may be close by, but my eyes are being opened to see how the love of God is present in and transforms even the darkest place.

I laugh at myself sometimes because of how I seem to make everything more complicated than it needs to be, or at least more complicated than it seems to be for others. I guess I just like to dig, and explore, and I have endless questions to ask. Most often I come back to the simple answers, with a new understanding that what at first seemed trite has a depth and richness that I can barely fathom.

This morning I was exploring the stirrings of something that has been scarce lately. "What is that feeling? I know that one..." It's joy. Instead of trying not to look at my fears and anxieties, my eyes are looking to Jesus. Looking at Him, the joy returns, I rest in His peace, and suddenly I can enjoy today's blessings that were simply the source of anxiety when I looked directly at them.

Echo

Some days I would like to just echo what I've written in another post.

Aarrghh!

A Weaned Child

I was looking through archives of a newsletter we send out to our members, and found an article Donnie wrote a while back. He quoted Psalm 131:

"My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

Good words for me to remember in this "control" issue.

"A child who is not weaned grapples for their mother's breast, almost fighting to ensure they get the desired food. A weaned child is simply satisfied with their mother's presence. This, says David, is normative for those of us who humble ourselves before God. We find rest for our souls and joy simply being in His presence."

I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me...

Letting go. :)

Control

I usually think of myself as being pretty easy-going, but I'm starting to recognize how selective I am about it. I'm easy-going about things that don't involve personal or emotional risk: I don't care if my roommate didn't unload the dishwasher, or get stressed about plans I make with friends. It's easy to see that people are more important than always having my way in those details.

BUT, when I'm insecure, I am a control freak. Over and over again through the past years God has pushed me to recklessly trust in Him. The only problem is that when I do that in a fallen world, I often get hurt. We all do. Sometimes I have the perspective that the heights are worth the depths, but then at other times it feels like the depths are all I see, and I lose sight of Him.

At times like that I find myself so ridiculously cautious. I try to build a perfectly safe place for myself, and put up safeguards to keep out people who could hurt me. And then I find myself lonely in that carefully contructed existence because ultimately no one is safe. I'm frustrated when I realize that I'm not a safe person, and find myself inadvertently hurting others.

I analyze and over-analyze and look for formulas to show me the right way of doing things and in the end it always makes less sense than before.

So, I might as well give up trying to figure out all the answers, and just be. I might as well just live and love and give recklessly, knowing that I will get hurt sometimes... but that if I don't risk, I'll miss all the good things too. I may as well give up trying to do it all right because:

a.) I mess it up all the time as it is, and
b.) God creates ex nihilo (from nothing) and my screw-ups don't ruin His plans anyway

This isn't exactly rocket science, and I've learned it all before, but here I am again having to lay down my safeguards and controls. It's frightening, but also a relief, to once again, give up control, or at least the illusion of it. I never had it in the first place.

Why dreams must die

I wanted to share a good article I read on the BBC world news site. It's what I think is a pretty balanced treatment of a polarizing subject.

You can read it here.

I'd write more, because like many, I feel very strongly about this subject, but in the end, all I want to point out is that on both sides of this hotly debated issue are real people. On both sides are brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as many who don't know Him. All, loved by God.

If we as the church would recognize that, we would see the only hope for peace in the Middle East is found in Christ; through us, He offers His love, grace, and reconciliation to hurting people.

A great visit

My parents left this morning. They'd been visiting since Saturday, and I have to say, it's been a great week. I have great parents. It was fun showing them around London, and introducing them to new people and new experiences. I kept them pretty busy. I made them try Middle Eastern food (Falafel, Shawarma, Hummus), Bubble tea, and Indian food (Butter chicken, Chicken Tikka, Beef Curry, Onion Bhajis, Nan bread, Mango Lassis, etc). We went on a double-decker bus tour of London (yes, they have those here :) ) and they joined in on wing night, weighing in with their opinions in the weekly judging. Dad got to fit in a round of golf, and came with me to the gym to work out. They enjoyed meeting the great friends and co-workers that I have, and it reminded me of how blessed I am to have such great people around me. It was a full week, and I enjoyed it.

Oh yeah, and happy anniversary mom & dad! 27 years!

Following up- (Faithless and Fickle)

I haven't followed up on my Faithless and Fickle post- about the discouragement I'd been feeling, resulting from lingering bitterness and not feeling close to God.

I did have some good reflective time in NB, and some quality time spent with Him that reminded me of how much more precious intimacy with Him is, than anything else. I wish I could say that I am currently enjoying at least the same intimacy with Him that I had come to enjoy before my bitter season. I was a bit frustrated, but now it seems fitting that I be, right now, exactly where I am.

In reading Jeremiah 29, it occurred to me that we women reflect the character of God a bit in this way: God deeply desires intimacy with us, and that intimacy is not something so cheap as to be dished out whenever a fickle child like me capriciously demands it. It is given in smaller doses, drawing us on, drawing us deeper. As we respond, and declare His value by pursuing Him with our whole heart... He delights in giving Himself to us. I think that is a part of why He created women with the need to be pursued, so that there would an earthly picture of His desire to be pursued by us, and of course, what He has done to pursue us.

So I continue fumbling down the sometimes painful, but always worthwhile journey of pursuing Him, even as I learn to recognize His relentless pursuit of me.

I say such stupid things

This morning I had to make a phone call to a local business, and the woman who answered the phone, fumbled over the words she must say dozens of times a day. She fumbled and stuttered the name of the company literally about five times. We had a laugh, but I could tell she was embarassed.

There aren't long stretches of time between the situations where I literally hit myself on the forhead, or shake my head in utter amazement at the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I try to be funny, and I end up sounding like I'm criticizing. I try to be smart, and I sound like a moron. :) It seems to happen so often, and I always feel annoyed with myself for doing it, again.

I taught a session this morning to the short-termers who are in an orientation here this week. It was about Truth & Lies: the lies we struggle with, and the truth about who we are in Christ. It made me think about this whole "saying stupid things" issue.

When I beat myself up about saying something stupid, it's because I'm mad at myself for not being perfect. When I'm mad at myself for not being perfect, it's because I'm believing the lie that I am supposed to be perfect. I'm believing that if I am not perfect, others will reject me. Underlying that is the belief that what others think of me defines who I am as a person.

So, what is the truth? Well, the truth is, I do say stupid things more often than I'd like to. Also true, is the fact that I am far from perfect. BUT I don't need to be perfect, and I don't even need to be liked by everyone (though it would be nice :) ). I am loved and accepted by God, just the way I am. And in the end, the people through whom God loves me the most obviously, are not the ones who have seen me just at my most Spirit-filled and lead moments. They are the ones who have seen the most ridiculous sides of me, and even borne the brunt of my annoyingness, crabbiness, and ... um, forceful personality.

Deven & Heather's wedding

Well the vacation is over now, and I'm finally posting the pictures from the wedding. Like I said before, it was a beautiful day. With the cake, MC-ing the reception, and spending half the day behind the camera, the day passed quickly, but I enjoyed it. Here are my pictures:

Deven with mom before the wedding.

Our cousin Joshua, a junior groomsman

My dad, proud father of the groom

Deven had the idea of putting chapstick on the ring so it wouldn't get stuck on Heather's knuckle during the srevice... I just hope it hasn't fallen off.

Deven, serious and just managing to keep it all in while waiting for Heather, who was a wee bit late for the ceremony. Our grandmother (MacDonald), sitting next to me, kept whispering loudly to Deven, "She's not coming!" I'm sure he appreciated the humour...

Exchanging their vows

The beautiful bride, all smiles

Husband and wife

They surprised Heather's parents and relatives (who had travelled from Scotland to be at the wedding) with a bagpiper who played as they left the church

Our cousin Christy, the flower girl

Both of our families: MacRailds and MacDonalds

Sometimes they forget that there are other people in the universe... hehe... but I guess that is ok (normal?) for newlyweds :)

At the reception, listening to my parents' speeches. The MC-ing went well, except when I introduced Heather's dad as the father of the groom. Oops... I should know!

At the end of a long a good day, me with my little brother Deven- I'm proud of him, and happy for him. It makes me happy to see him so happy, and to know how much he loves this woman he now calls his wife. And I'm so glad to welcome Heather into our family.