The cake

The wedding is over now, and Deven and Heather are off on their honeymoon. I have a number of pictures to post, but I'll leave you for now with just a picture of the cake. It was pretty simple, like I anticipated, but I got a lot of compliments on it. I didn't let them go to my head though, since I'm pretty sure the general amazement was directly related to the low expectations most people had. :)
So here it is: first, the plain cake, then dressed up a bit, with my handsome brother and his beautiful bride.



(p.s- it was a beautiful wedding, but I'll post more on that later. For now, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation)

Faithless and fickle

(Blogger was down for maintenance last night, so I'm posting a bit late)
I'm in New Brunswick. It is so nice to be able to enjoy family again. Right now I'm sitting up later than I should, enjoying the company of my dad as I write, while he works on his cryptogram puzzles. It's been a busy few days since I arrived early yesterday morning, after a sleepless night of travel (2 am Robert Q shuttle bus, 5 am check-in for 6:30 am flight).

I'm glad for this time away because I need it. You may have noticed the lack of significant depth in most of my posts lately. Partly, it's because I've kept myself so busy, but mostly because I've not been hearing anything from God. I've let bitterness get in the way of intimacy with Him. I think part of the reason I've kept myself so busy in the first place is to avoid feeling the discouragement that has followed the bitterness I've allowed to take root. If you want to know the honest truth, I've been angry with God (though denying it to myself), and avoiding Him.

But I miss Him. And I realize that I don't have much to share on here, other than work, or pictures, because when I'm avoiding Him, I can't connect with you. I've been pretty discouraged lately, to be honest, and I think that I simply can't purely enjoy anything, if I'm not enjoying Him. When I'm not acknowledging Him, all of my other interactions warp, as I seek my own gain rather than others'.

The other night, Amy (#26) and I went for a night walk, and sat by the river for a while in silence, enjoying the soothing sounds of the water passing by, and the silver reflections of the moon on the ripples. In that short quiet and reflective time, God reminded me that I have a life full of good things. I'm frustrated by my inability to enjoy them, but He's shown me that I'll miss out on all of those blessings if I am not enjoying Him.

I'm thankful for these days with my family, and for the time and space to turn my eyes back to the beautiful sight of my Abba Father. I'm so faithless, and so fickle, but He always offers grace and love.

Ok, now I need to go to bed.

Melanie & Ryan

I just wanted to say congratulations to my good friend Melanie Froese on her engagement to Ryan Johnson.

Mel and I have been through a lot together over the past few years: travelling together to the Middle East and Thailand, long road trips, ethnic food and foreign movies, momentous prayer times, being co-workers, being roommates, working and growing through conflicts (oh, the ugly sides of me she has seen!) :) lots of laughter, and some tears... but the best has just been journeying alongside her as we go deeper into God, digging into what He's teaching and doing in and through us. I've seen God evidently at work in her life, transforming her more and more into a woman of grace, faith and the love of God.

I look forward to more memories, and to getting to know the new brother I am getting in Ryan.

Addition to the cake portfolio

Courtney asked me to make a cake for a baby shower. I made it last night after my Christian Horizons shift. I'm happy with it.

As I write, I'm sampling a bit of the extra cake. I experimented with a new recipe, and it has turned out quite well, so I'm putting that aside for Deven & Heather's.

I've got pretty much everything that I'll need together for their cake, and I'm excited, and just a bit nervous. :)

Work=Life=Problems

Lately when people ask me "what's new?" all I have to share are things work-related. Life has mostly been consumed with work lately. Here are a few highlights:

• It took a bit of effort to get caught up after the travels to Thailand and BC, but I'm starting to feel like I've got a handle on things again.
  
• PIONEERS Canada Board meeting over the weekend. The first one I've attended, so I took copious notes... throwing most of them away after producing a few pages of minutes. It was actually more interesting than I expected. Despite the fact that it rained during our bbq with them on Friday night, and was beautiful and sunny while we were stuck indoors all day on Saturday, I enjoyed it all. I even got to have breakfast with Dr. Frizen before the meeting, and enjoyed hearing some of his story, and the decades of history he has experienced in mission.
• A handful of shifts at Christian Horizons have been filling my free time
  
• I am about to tackle a major overhaul of our website. It's going to look like a real mess for a few days, but the end result will hopefully be a good improvement. (Click to see mess :) )

All for now. I've got to tackle that website.

(missing from board picture: Dr. David Barker)

Back from Pittsburgh

For the long weekend, I went across the border, and down to Pittsburgh with some of my friends from London. Some of my coworkers were teasing me about going to "Pittsburgh" of all places. I didn't see a lot of the city, but I liked what I did see. We spent most of our time shopping. I bought a LOT more than I intended, and I am still working on rationalizing and justifying all of it. :)

I stayed in the little town of McDonald, Pennsylvania. What a nice name for a town. If only it had that "a" :)

Our group and our host and family at the Olive Garden.

Our group doing a bit of sightseeing in Pittsburgh. I love how I apparently have the plague in this picture. :)

Me with Irene. I feel like I still don't know many people in London, and I have to say that I am so thankful for Irene's friendship. She and Wayne have me over for supper all the time, and have been such encouragements in what otherwise would have been much more lonely years. She's also my artistic friend whose creative touch on things always inspires me to new ideas.
Pittsburgh skyline
Irene and Christian

Eating a massive roast beef sandwich at Primanti Brothers... yes, those are french fries in the sandwich. I had it without coleslaw (yuck!!) and it was pretty good

Pictures from Vancouver

I spent a few days with friends and PI members in Vancouver on my way back from Thailand. It was my first time in British Columbia... and now I am wondering why I live in Ontario? :)

A view from Burnaby

Beautiful mountain views. It seemed like there were always mountains in sight, even in the city they could be seen peeking through, between buildings.

In Stanley Park

Deep Cove

Marie showed me around

An Inukshuk in English Bay ("Now the people will know we were here...":)) The symbol/logo for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

A record of my first time in the Pacific ocean off the Canadian coast. I miss the ocean so much when I am in Ontario. I've been trying to convince Donnie we need to relocate the PIONEERS office in Vancouver. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Pictures from Thailand

It was nice to have travelling companions for once. It made for stimulating conversation during long hours waiting for connecting flights.... ok, we just tried to sleep mostly, and took turns keeping an eye on the bags. Above is Mel in Chicago, and Scott in Tokyo. As for me... well I'm the one with the camera :)
We had an overnight layover in Bangkok, and we took the opportunity to try out "the Atlanta"- a budget hotel with personality (Mel and I paid $20 total for our room for the night)
The foyer of the Atlanta, apparently unchanged since the 1950s. It really is quite a cool place.
We flew to Chiang Mai the next day, a city in Northern Thailand. I don't have many good pictures of Chiang Mai, as most of the time was spent in meetings and etc at the conference. Here is one of a busy night market.

A local Thai woman
A Chiang Mai McDonald's

We took this picture to show Donnie how hard we were working :)

Meeting some great people from Australian mobilization

One of many meetings, an informal one with some other mobilizers from NZ, Australia and the US.

Melanie and I at the closing banquet

With Dr. Frizen, one of our board members who attended the conference. He has over 60 years of experience in missions, and was one of my favorite people there.A Sunday lunch with some more great Aussies. Time spent with them helped rekindle my passion for mobilization.

On Saturday night and Sunday I spent some time with Beth, who is living in Thailand, sent out from my home church in London. I appreciated the time spent with her, she is a fantastic girl. You can visit her blog here.

not-exactly-earth-shattering (but a big deal to me)

Well, I'm back home now. I arrived at my home finally early this morning. I had lots of time to think on the planes, in airports, and in Bangkok during my day there on my own. It was good, because there was a lot to think about and process. I wanted to share some of it.

More musings on love: I've been wrestling with this- what is appropriate, and what's not appropriate?

After a lot of wrestling with it- things I've been taught over the years, weighed with what I think God is telling me- I've come to the not-exactly-earth-shattering conclusion that I am ALWAYS one hundred percent free to love.

My own selfishness and weakness scare me, and I rightly know that I cannot trust my own self-serving motivations, or toxic version of love. But God's love in me I can always trust. I am always free to offer God's love, because God's love in me sincerely desires His best for each person. My own love would easily wound another as it seeks its own ends and gratification, but God's love in me will seek purely, for another's best. There is a precious, if sometimes temporarily bittersweet, joy, in laying down what I want, to embrace the choice to freely offer the pure and unconditional love of God to others.

On the last leg of my journey home late last night (and early this morning), as these conclusions were crystallizing, I thought about what I want to accomplish in this life, and I once again concluded that my desire is to leave a legacy of love. I want people to someday say that more than anything, the love of God flowed through me to them, in nourishing, empowering, and healing ways. I want my life to be an expression of the love of God.

I feel a bit silly saying this in such a public place, because I am all too aware of how open and vulnerable it leaves me to all of you, who know me, and know just how far my life and relationships fall from such a lofty goal.

There was one point at the conference where we were praying for each other in small groups, and I shared this desire, at the same time feeling silly and inadequate, knowing how I fall short. Their prayer for me affected me deeply, as they asked God to show me that the vision that He has given me, is one that He will bring to pass. They prayed that I would trust the desires that He places on my heart, as from Him.

So, I guess I share this all now, not thinking that I have it all figured out, and that you'd better all learn from me. :) I'm humbled to know how much more clearly you than I can see how much I fall short. But I do share with joy for the freedom I have to love, confidence that He will be faithful to complete the work He has begun in me, and excitement, to see how the road ahead unfolds.

Slice of heaven

The conference is over now. I've just had the most phenomenal week.

In the past few days, I have worshipped with people from every continent, shared tearful prayers with a Solomon Islander brother in Christ, in response to a profound devotional by a Brazilian leader. I have participated in the laying on of hands and prayer over African brothers and sisters, while they listened to a French translation over headsets. I have sat around until 1:30am discussing what "community" really means, and finding it, with dear brothers and sisters from Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. I've been convicted by the admonition and teaching of a Ghanaian leader. I have been moved by the testimony of a Chinese brother, and the prayers of an Arab fellow believer.

We have all been moved by the slice of heaven we have experienced here in the joyful fellowship of a multicoloured and diverse gathering of children of God. What profound power the gospel has to cross boundaries.

I've stumbled along clumsily in French in a few conversations with friends from Africa, and have so appreciated finding the joy of fellowship in what we have in common which is so much bigger than what separates us, even though we barely understand together.

I keep wishing people at home could have the opportunity to experience this slice of heaven. I'd like to see more of this even in Canada. I have some ideas... but more prayer and time is needed for now.

Smooth as Silk

The title is from a box of food we got on the Thai Air portion of our trip here. The cover was this mix of colours, with Smooth as Silk written on it. We laughed, it was just so extra appetizing with that intro. It was fish sticks, salad and "salad cream." I have been taking pictures of funny signs that I have seen because afterwards I always wish that I had. I'll share those when I can download my pictures back home on my computer.

So, I've arrived safely in Thailand, and have been enjoying the conference here for the past 4 days. I wish I had room and time to share all of the experiences I've been having here. One of the things that I have been thinking about, and desiring to share is the experience of the ethnic diversity of the church. I started thinking about it when I was in Chicago for our layover there, and I was so tired but there was a group of people in the rows of seats behind me who were making so much noise, it was a bit annoying. They were just talking and laughing, very relaxed, and not doing anything wrong- I was just grumpy.

I turned and looked back and saw a group of Americans from a broad spectrum of racial backgrounds, ages and both genders. It was interesting to watch them, and it struck me, "I bet these people are Christians." I began to think of how that kind of ethnic diversity and harmony is not an extremely common sight, and it seemed a logical conclusion to me to think they are believers. Sure enough, I soon heard them talk about Jesus.

I've been thinking a lot about that this week as well, as I can't get away from it. The church and even the membership of PIis getting pretty diverse, and there is such a consensus of joy as we experience it. Just a snapshot: our worship team contains believers from UK, Madagascar, NZ, Solomon Islands, Ghana, US and Kyrgyzstan. This morning we were enormously blessed as a large group of our African brothers and sisters lead worship for us (you may assume it was a little more lively :) )

Yesterday, a brother from the Solomon Islands shared about what is going on there right now, in riots and demonstrations and the Chinese population being targeted in Honiara. (See part of story). We prayed for him, and other leaders and as he left the platform, I was struck by the powerful image of seeing a Chinese brother step up and offer a tearful embrace.

I just think the harmony of people from many nations is a testimony to the glory of God, and to the truth and power of the gospel to break down divisive walls and bring healing.

Off I go

I was thinking... did I mention that I am going to Thailand again?

Well I am. I am packed and will be leaving in about ten minutes to go to the Robert Q shuttle pick up spot. There I will meet up with Scott and Melanie, and together the three of us will fly Toronto-Chicago-Tokyo-Bangkok. We'll have an overnight in Bangkok, then fly on to Chiang Mai. In Chiang Mai we'll be attending a conference, and then I'll spend a few days visiting with friends from North Park who live in Thailand. On the return flight I'll be spending a few days in Vancouver.

I'm looking forward to sleeping on the plane. Sleep sounds good right now. :)

I'm sure I'll post more later, but for the next few days I will be in the air or in airports sleeping, reading and working on Sudoku puzzles. Till then...

Cake creation #3

Ta-da! My latest cake creation. It's so funny at every cake class I feel a bit frustrated because everyone else is ahead of me, and doing so well. Then I take my cake home and realize it's not as bad as I thought.
So, this is my first fondant cake. Working with fondant is like playing with play-do. It's kind of fun, and actually not that hard.

(So mom- this is for you, see, I'm not as bad as you think. have some faith in me! :) )

Always Come Back to the Solid Place

More from Henri Nouwen. The quote below is from the book "The Inner Voice of Love" which was basically his personal journal during the darkest time of his life. Many of his most beloved works were written out of what he learned, and what God did, through that time. This quote sums up how I've felt lately, in many ways.

Always Come Back to the Solid Place
You must believe in the yes that comes back when you ask, "Do you love me?" You must choose this yes even when you do not experience it.
You feel overwhelmed by distractions, fantasies, the disturbing desire to throw yourself into the world of pleasure. But you know already that you will not find there an answer to your deepest question. Nor does the answer lie in rehashing old events, or in guilt or shame. All of that makes you dissipate yourself and leave the rock on which your house is built.
You have to trust the place that is solid, the place where you can say yes to God's love even when you do not feel it. Right now you feel nothing except emptiness and the lack of strength to choose. But keep saying, "God loves me, and God's love is enough." You have to choose the solid place over and over again, and return to it after every failure.

I've felt so discouraged over the past few weeks. I felt so far from God, even though I knew He was as close as ever. I couldn't figure it out, but can't say I really tried. It was much easier to keep busy, and bury myself in distractions. The other day the Holy Spirit showed me that I was withholding forgiveness in a certain area, and that was the block. It's such a relief.

So today, I feel like God's love is enough. I recognize though, that that truth was just as true the other day, when I didn't feel it.

Born to manifest the glory of God...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
- Nelson Mandela in his inaugeration speech.

Cake Decorating- Part Deux

I might just be crazy. My parents think I am. :)
I've agreed to do my brother's wedding cake, an adaptation of the one pictured here.
I am starting Wilton 3- the slightly more advanced cake decorating class tonight. Remember my colourful clowns in October, and my self-made birthday cake? I'm skipping a level, and going right to #3 to learn "Wedding Cakes."
I know, clowns to multi-level fondant is a big jump. But look how simple it is...
My mom keeps trying to talk me out of it; she says that if I am too nervous she can just order a cake from a professional. She has said this about twice a week for the past 4 months.
I'm not nervous though. I'm much more nervous about being the co-MC at the reception, and with this one, I question not my own sanity, but Deven & Heather's in asking me!

The Sweeter Song

I could fill my whole blog with Henri Nouwen quotes. If you have never encountered him before, here is a sample to whet your appetite for some rich spiritual writing. This excerpt is from a 1982 interview Leadership did with Nouwen and Richard Foster.

"I'm like many pastors; I commit myself to projects and plans and then wonder how I can get them all done. This is true of the pastor, the teacher, the administrator. Indeed, it's true of our culture, which tells us, "Do as much as you can or you'll never make it." In that sense, pastors are part of the world.
I've discovered I cannot fight the demons of busyness directly. I cannot continuously say "No" to this or "No" to that, unless there is something ten times more attractive to choose. Saying "No" to my lust, my greed, my needs, and the world's powers takes an enormous amount of energy.
The only hope is to find something so obviously real and attractive that I can devote all my energies to saying "Yes." In effect, I don't have time to pay any attention to the distractions.
One such thing I can say "Yes" to is when I come in touch with the fact that I am loved. Once I have found that in my total brokenness I am still loved, I become free from the compulsion of doing successful things."

(See whole interview, with Nouwen and Richard Foster)

Too far

I've always been what you might call a "detail" person, and I've worried for a while about my anal retentive tendencies.

The other day I brought home a binder from work, containing my typed-up "To-do" list. While running an errand, and waiting, I started sketching out some things on my list. A few minutes later, I stopped and looked down at my sheet, and realized that I have just gone too far.

I had written, "Redo my to-do list" on my to-do list. Sick and wrong.

If I can laugh at myself, does that mean it's not as bad as it sounds? :)

Pilates and wings?

Last night, Amy and I had big plans: pilates at the local gym we've joined and then out for wings.

I've been pretty excited about this gym membership: it's only for a month, and it cost me $5. I want to fit as much in this month as I can.

I enjoy doing yoga and pilates videos, but I've never taken a class, so last night was going to be my initiation. After work we drove to the gym, changed into suitable clothes, and found our way to the studio in which the said class would take place.

We surveyed the crowd of smiling and confident-looking women, and tried to get our bearings. A woman in spandex saw us standing to the side, and asked us if we were the beginners we appeared to be. When I indicated that I expected my skill level to be "very low"- she gave us instructions. We gathered our equipment: hand-weights (my choice: the wimpiest kind), a rubber exercise band, and a floor mat)

I started to think to myself, "wow, pilates with weights, I never did this with the video!"

The class started off high in energy with loud, active music and our instructor leading us in a variety of sequences of forward, side, and back steps and kicks. With growing bewilderment I was ready to throw everything I thought I knew about pilates out the window.

As we did deep lunges with weights at our sides I asked the girl next to me (between gasping breaths) what class we were in. "Power Sculpt" she replied, confirming my growing suspicions. So much for pilates.

I've been trying to think of an analogy, or word-picture to help you envision this situation, but they're all inadequate. My roommate says it's a shame I don't have a video to show you. Let me set the stage: we are in a studio that is a level above a main workout area. The studio is windowed, so in full view of the masses on their treadmills, lifting weights, etc. I smoothly maneouvered myself to the back of the pack, not noticing the mirror behind me exposing my awkward movements more clearly than anyone else's.

Now picture a room full of women stepping forward- to the side- to the back- in growingly complex combinations. All in synch, with ease and fluidity. Then picture one person, with long arms and legs only rarely lucky enough to do the correct movements in the exact opposite direction. Most often she does something completely different, inventing her own kooky and awkward dance. That was me. :)

Luckily, the entire class did not consist of this "complex" choreography. I had plenty of opportunities to feel the burn in my back, arms, legs and stomach to feel like I fully deserved the chicken wings and onion rings I enjoyed afterward.

Pilates next week?

Maple syrup goodness

I had not one but TWO delicious pancake breakfasts with maple syrup this past weekend. On Saturday I went with some of our PIONEERS team, and then on Sunday with my friend Lisa.

Mmmm... pancakes and sausages

Donnie was feeling a bit better and able to join us for breakfast and a wagon ride

On the wagon ride huddling close for warmth

Tapped trees

All together for a team picture

With Lisa on Sunday, tummies full of maple syrup goodness. :)