Addendum to "Asking Questions"

I realize my last post could be a bit scary for some people to read. I can remember a time when those thoughts would have scared me. I wouldn't have wanted to let myself think down those lines, let alone encourage others to. It could lead to dangerous places...

I write it now, because there is freedom to be found as well.

As I sat talking to this friend, I couldn't help noting the peace that I felt. I felt sadness for him, yes, but not in a condescending, "how could you possibly think that?" kind of way. I felt sadness for him because I understand the difficulty of that question, and others, but know that it doesn't have to end up that way.

I am not afraid of hearing people's questions about faith and christianity. I have to smile inside sometimes when someone brings out their "trump card" thinking that they will shatter the foundations of my faith. In so many different situations, times and places I have heard those questions. I don't mean to be condescending as if I have God and the universe figured out completely. Of course I don't. But I smile because I myself have asked those questions. I have asked them from some deep and tremendously painful valleys. My faith has only grown from those experiences.

I was thinking this morning about something my friend Beth Shannon said to me years ago. We were talking about proofs that God exists. She told me that the only proof that no one can refute is a transformed life.

In the end, late at night when those questions come, I believe in God not simply because of intellectual answers I have heard; I believe in Him because I cannot deny the way that He has changed my life.

He has changed my life not just in the sense that I used to do bad things and now I do good things. Goodness, if that was the extent- Lord, take me now! I could accomplish that with self will-power. No, I mean He has completely transformed my life. He brought me- to use an often-used cliche- from darkness into light. He has delivered me from depression, self-pity into freedom and peace. In the midst of incredible pain in the loss of my sister- God met me there, and gave me His peace, strength and joy- yes, joy!

Obviously I haven't arrived. But I am NOT what I once was. I've tried plenty to change myself to be the person I want to be, but those attempts have never worked. No amount of positive thinking could do the work in me that I have seen God do. Of course my words are just words, and you don't have the view that I do. I suspect though, that many of you have stories a lot like mine.

Asking questions

I caught up recently with an old friend. We sat and talked over lunch at an eclectic all-day breakfast place. It was interesting to see the different paths we've chosen, and where they've taken us.

After an awkward pause in the conversation when our food came, he told me to go ahead and pray, that he would explain later. After some more conversation I asked him about it.

He told me about how at Bible college, when I knew him, he had been searching for deeper meaning. I guess at that point he considered himself a believer. When he left, he began to ask questions about his faith, God, the Bible. It came down to one serious question.

"You'll think it's dumb," he said. He told me he couldn't get past the fact that God could send people to hell. So, the sum of it is that he decided this thing called 'faith' or more specifically 'christianity' was not for him.

I told him it wasn't dumb. I said that it is a serious question that one has to ask. I didn't try to answer the question either, because I knew that wasn't why he was telling me.

I told him that I went through a time where I had to realize that it's ok to ask questions. I think sometimes we in the church are afraid to ask questions about things we really struggle with. Is it because we are worried we won't like the answers? I need to be free to bring my honest questions to God.

I told him, "I've asked a lot of those questions myself; I've just come to different conclusions. I don't necessarily have neat, packaged answers for every one, but I've faced them, and my faith is so much stronger because of it. If God is real, He can handle my questions."

I talked too much, as usual. I just can't "catch up" with someone and not talk about God. All that has happened in the past 5 years- losing my sister, how I ended up where I am- none of it can be told without the overarching narrative of God's work in my life. If someone wants to know me, I can't pretend I'm not what I am.

I looked at him across the table and asked, "Was it a relief for you, to let go of christianity and religion?"

"No," he responded without hesitation, "It wasn't even a relief when I first made the decision."

"How do you feel about it now?"

With sadness in his eyes he said, "Lost. I feel lost."

The conversation continued for some time, and I couldn't help feeling sad for him. He is lost in a sea of faces, making his own way in the universe. The lostness isn't moving him to find his security in God, because he doesn't believe there is security to be found.

I wish I could convince him, just as I wish words could express to others what God has done for me. In the end, I can only release him to God in prayer, and trust that the Spirit will continue His work in his life.

I am selfish

After clearing off an accumulated 10 feet of snow off my car in the office parking lot, I drove to Scott & Courtney's. I have been babysitting Stephen for the evening. The poor little guy is sick, and fell asleep in my arms, which was kind of nice. It reminds me of the desire that I do have for children. But it's scary too. I have been thinking about that lately- not that I am ANYWHERE close to it.

I am afforded many luxuries as a single person. I can do whatever I want, when I want. If I make a bad personal decision, I face the consequences. Sometimes I feel the burden of responsibility, but I do enjoy my freedom.

A friend said to me recently, "Jen, be careful that you don't become too independent."

It caught me off guard, and has stuck with me. I thought I was supposed to be independent? I am... to a certain extent... but I think I carry it too far sometimes. *See kerfuffle I caused on November 16th.*

I am afraid of becoming one of those older single people who is set in her ways, and used to getting her own way.

There is something about getting married and having children that matures people. I think (as an ignorant observer) that when you move from being single to getting married, you have to confront a lot of the selfishness that you may not have even known was there, as you consider another person. It is sandpaper, part of the sanctification process. Then parenting takes it even deeper.

I guess the reason I am rambling on here is that I have realized that I am just plain selfish, and that there are no circumstances in my life forcing me not to be, in the way that my married peers are. I could just shrug it off, and enjoy my freedom... but I'm not satisfied to just give my selfishness free reign, until I someday inflict it on the poor unsuspecting chap who ends up with me. Heavens! (oh goodness, I sound like an old lady)

I don't have any answers... just the realization that there is this whole area that I want to open up to God to dig and change me. Anyone have advice?

the world doesn't need more of me

The following is a quote that I copied from Donnie's (my boss') hand-written notes. I hope I got it right. It is by Eugene Peterson, I am not sure when and where he wrote it, but it struck me deeply enough that I wanted to share it with you:

"We do not progress in the Christian life by becoming more competent, more knowledgeable, more virtuous, or more energetic.
We do not advance in the Christian life by acquiring expertise...
I want to simplify your lives.
When others are telling you to read more, I want to tell you to read less;
when others are telling you to do more, I want to tell you to do less.
The world does not need more of you; it needs more of God.
Your friends don't need more of you; they need more of God.
And you don't need more of you; you need more of God."

**Thanks to James for getting the reference: the above quote is from Eugene Peterson's book, Subversive Spirituality.**

Deven & Heather

An exciting thing happened this weekend! My little brother got engaged! I knew it was coming this weekend, but I was still excited. I am so glad that it is finally official, and I am so pleased that Heather MacRaild is going to be joining the MacDonald clan. I love Heather, she is a special girl, and Deven is a lucky man. Congratulations you two, I love you!

Found a wormhole!

I lost my voice this morning, and found it a little later on. I still sound kind of like a scratchy-voiced man though. I am kind of grumpy today too. I'll blame it on my cold, hehe. You who read this are lucky that you are not with me in person. :)

I had a good weekend though. I went to a concert on Saturday and then on Sunday travelled to Cambridge so I could share at New Harvest Fellowship in the morning service. The only problems were these: my muffler fell off my car enroute to the church, so in my church clothes I had to maneuover my way partially under the car to undo the part that was still attached. And, I was still a bit deaf from the concert, and with my voice being considerably lower than usual, when I spoke to people at church I couldn't hear myself... I hope I wasn't yelling :)

Sunday afternoon I had a great time hanging out with dear friends: Zane & Marcia, Matt & Lisa, Amy. We re-established the geekiness (and closet geekiness) of the gang (the post title is taken from that discussion). I refuse to confirm or deny my own geekiness. And even after gruelling interrogation, there are some secrets that I will take to my grave (Zane!!!)

More highlights: I got to play Barbies with Victoria (she's getting so big!) and Joshie gave me a hug! Watched a chick-flick with Marcia (just like old times) that made me cry, and finally triggered a good cry session. I spent Monday afternoon on the couch talking with Lisa- time well spent!

I also spent time with Steve & Amanda, and Steve once again fixed my car. I swear I wouldn't have a car if it weren't for those two! (Thank you guys!!) Some of the repairs took longer than expected so I stayed an extra day and came back to London Tuesday instead of Monday. Unbeknownst to me, it caused a bit of a kerfuffle... I just decided to stay, without telling anyone back home, and my mom had been trying to reach me and a few others were worried about my whereabouts and trying to track me down. Of course I am safe and sound... but next time I will be a little more responsible... yikes!

Beauty hurts

I have been meditating on beauty. I read this in a book recently:

"He remembered as though it were but a few days ago that winter night, himself too young even to know the meaning of beauty, when he had looked up at a delicate tracery of bare branches against the icy glittering stars: suddenly something that was, all at once, pain and longing and adoring had welled up in him, almost choking him. He had wanted to tell someone, but he had no words, inarticulate in the pain and glory. It was long afterwards that he realised that it had been his first aesthetic experience. That nameless something that had stopped his heart was Beauty. Even now, for him, 'bare branches against the stars' was a synonym for beauty."
(from A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken)

When I read it- I sat up straight, and said to myself, "that's it!" I've had that feeling before, but could never find words to describe it. I've felt it this Fall when I have driven through countrysides in southern Ontario, and seen the trees changing colours- almost too awesome to behold. I've felt it when looking at the flowers given to me for my birthday. There is a longing there, to fully behold it, but part of me realizes that it is too much for me. Before I can fully appreciate them, the leaves will fall from the trees, and the flowers will wilt and die. There is something about beauty that is higher than my understanding.

I think there is something that hints of God in all of this.

sure about this?

My mom asked me last night if I'm sure I want to share this much on my blog, since some of it is kind of personal. I told her I was sure. If my blog is my opportunity to share some of my journey with other people, then I want to share my real journey... not the polished and cleaned up version. Later on in the same conversation, she commented that from her observations, the people who live the most open lives are the happiest, because they don't live in fear of what others think.

I hope my sharing doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. But I guess it's your choice if you want to read it in the first place. :)

I know it is scary to see someone else go down into the depths, I think we secretly fear that they won't make it, or that God won't be enough. I've learned that when I let God take me into the depths, He brings His love there. I've learned that when I experience the depths, I can also experience heights that I would never before have imagined.

I wrote this yesterday to a friend:

A couple of years ago God challenged me with a quote from C.S. Lewis (my paraphrase, from memory) "The only place outside of heaven where one can be perfectly safe from all of the trials and perturbations of love... is hell." He challenged me not to shut down my heart, but to let it feel, to let it love, even though it could be ripped apart. The funny thing is that when I let my walls down, I learned I was right, being vulnerable let me get hurt. I have been hurt a hundred times more since that time, than I ever had before. I have also experienced more joy and wonder than I could ever have imagined. I choose a life of heights and depths, rather than the safer, middle way.

For those of you who are still worried about me: there is joy in my heart that I cannot contain.

Exquisite pain, precious peace

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."
(Ps 34:4,5)

The LORD has delivered me from all my fears, though not in a package I would have chosen. In circumstances too personal to share on a blog, He has allowed my heart to be broken. But in the midst of exquisite pain, I experience a peace and joy that is nothing short of beautiful. He has not only met me here, He lead me here. Why exactly, I don't know... but I see a few threads of the tapestry weaving together to form something more precious than I've ever imagined.
I see Him, and it takes my breath away. I hunger for Him, and see that I am complete in Christ.
I love you LORD!

Weak

I'm a mess. I was journalling this morning, and I told God that if I looked like how I feel, I'd be lying limp like a rag doll with my face in the dirt.

Then He brought to mind Psalm 34:4,5:
"I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."

Wipe that dirt off, and look to Him. ...their faces will never be ashamed

I used to pride myself on my vulnerability and transparency. Lately God has been showing me how I am still in kindergarten in this area. He's shown me that I can't go any further until I agree to let myself be weak.

He's shown me that I want to be strong, not because I want others to see His strength, but because I want them to be impressed with my faith. Wow. I had to repent of that. Thank You Father for your forgiveness! He showed me that I want to have it all together, because I am still believing the original lie: "I should be as god"- therefore weakness is shameful.

I'm a mess right now because He has shown me areas I need to let myself be weak in- and it is terrifying! I'm a mess, because it hurts so much when He digs like this. Though I agree to His work with my will, my feelings betray me at every turn.

... He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears...

Crowded to Christ

A friend showed me the quote below and it struck me. It made me think not just of the circumstances that bring us to Christ in the first place, but of the circumstances that He brings in our life after we've already received Him. It brought to mind the many difficult and painful things that drive us deeper into Him, as He shapes us into His image.

From L.E. Maxwell's book Crowded to Christ:

"I am one of the Jews who escaped from Germany," says Abraham Poljak. "I thank God for all the strokes with which I was driven from darkness to light. It is better that we arrive beaten and bleeding at the glorious goal than that we decay happily and contented in darkness. As long as things were all right with us, we did not know anything of God, and the salvation of our souls and the world beyond. Hitler's arrows and our misery have lead us to the uttermost heart. We have lost our earthly home but found the heavenly one. We have lost our economic support, but won the friendship of the ravens of Elijah. On the bitter ways of emigration we have found Jesus, the Riches of all worlds."

The whole pie

I was definitely spoiled on my birthday.

I was surprised to be so spoiled this birthday. I haven't had a really good birthday for years. I had anticipated being pretty lonely, with most friends being away, and family even further. But God showed me His love through many precious people.

In terms of gifts, I got flowers, chocolates, a ring, and taken to a fancy restaurant. I'm not even a gift person, so it was all unexpected, and that much more meaningful I guess. I think it's funny because those are the traditional "date" things and none of them were that way.

It makes me think of a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago. In Sunday School we had been discussing whether or not God was enough even if for some reason we were stripped of all our fellowship with others. One person said, "are you telling me, that if we are all by ourselves, with God, we have the whole pie??" In response to the skeptic, he said that even then we have the whole pie. It's just in more slices when God's love comes through people.

So anyway, what I'm saying is, I'm single, and I often wish I wasn't... but even though I don't have what many other people my age do, in that sense, God is not holding out on me! He'll often love me through people He has brought into my life: sometimes unexpectedly like this spoiling, sometimes just through the ups and downs of precious friendships. Sometimes I am all alone, and incredibly lonely- but even there, He is not holding out on me because He offers me Himself!

Blessings of friendship

Here I am with my friend Sarah Illsley. We have been
friends since the first grade when she rescued me from
my cousin's bullying. She came to Ontario recently and
visited me for a few days. Here we are at Niagara Falls.


Here we are at age 9? I guess we got into my mom's
makeup :)


Amanda Chapman came to Niagara Falls with us


That week my sister also came to visit me. Here we
are at the Curry Garden, enjoying yummy Indian food
and Mango Lassees.


At Swiss Chalet with my sister and friends:
Melissa, Marty and Johnny


And here is the birthday cake that I made for myself.
Ok, I'm not really as pathetic as I sound, I had to make
it for the cake decorating class- honest!

Happy Birthday to me :)

Well I have been spoiled today, I must say.
The day before I hit the quarter century mark. I came late to work because of some errands I had to do, and found flowers on my desk! My friend Mel arranged for them before she left on a recruitment trip out West.
I love flowers! I buy them for myself sometimes.
Then, a few minutes ago, a delivery van came to our office and brought me more flowers, from the man in my life. They came with this note:

"Remember Jen,
The man who sends you these flowers loves you very much.
Love, Dad"

Here I am with the flowers in my office. I'm all smiles.
I guess it would have been too much if I bought myself flowers for my birthday AND made my own birthday cake.

Cake decorator extraordinaire... almost

There are lots of things I am interested in that I've just never had (or taken) time to do. I've decided to just go for it and do some of them, whether or not I can see any immediate practical value. The first thing is taking a cake-decorating class at Michaels with a friend, Beth.
This is my first cake. Hehe, I know it is hideous, look at all that pink! But I'm having fun!
Don't worry, I'll keep practicing. :)

My mother- my best friend

I've been realizing how little I communicate how much I value the people in my life. I think about it all the time, but forget that what I think is not immediately apparent to those around me.

I had a good, though quick talk with my mom today, and it was another reminder of how blessed I am to have the mom that I do. She is amazing. I think I could actually say that she is my best friend. Her unconditional love has been one thing that God has used to show me His love for me. Her voice in my life has been an anchor. The example of the pure love she has for God inspires me to know Him more. I count on her prayers.

She is an amazing woman, even though she doesn't always see it herself. She'd never call herself an intellectual but I love the way that I give her books like "Shattered Dreams" and "The Pressure's Off" by Larry Crabb, and "Grace Walk" by Steve McVey, and she soaks it up. I see how she takes hold of the profound truths she reads, and lets God shape and reshape her perspectives and opinions. She has wisdom like no one I know, and yet a willingness to look from a different perspective, and to learn and grow.

I could write a book on the virtues of my mother, but I'll keep it to this: all my life she has supported and encouraged my dreams and desires, with her words and with her prayers. I know she believes in me and expects God to do great things through me. I say, that I don't care if God does great outward things in my life, that's up to Him. But if God will make me a woman after His own heart, like my mom, I will be thankful and the world will be blessed.

Love you mom!

She won't like the wind-swept picture, but I have an alarmingly small collection of pictures of her... I guess she's just going to have to send the pictures that I've been asking for. :)

My incredible sister

The best part of my week was that I got a letter from my sister Melanie. One year younger than me, we've always been close, but we've always had "issues" too.

Two more different people you've never met... people never believe we're sisters, until they see us bickering. Of course, we have convinced a few people that we are twins...

I got a great letter from Mel this week that means a lot to me. I love my sister so much that it hurts. She's an incredible girl, and I am so excited to see God at work in her life. We've got so much history together, and we have experienced so much together that I wouldn't be who I am without her. My life would have been a lot more boring! She knows all my most embarassing secrets (though she doesn't usually keep them secret!) and I know hers. And the pictures...hehe... I have the most embarassing pictures of her... and I'd show you... except I'm in them too... and that's just not going to happen. :)



Twins :)




Us in Hong Kong

Us in Jordan.

(ok, with the last two I was just having fun in Photoshop... but someday, we'll travel together!)

So many missed opportunities

A few weeks ago I wrote about my realization that I've never really seen people. I've seen them, but I haven't seen them. My eyes are starting to be opened to behold the unique beauty and glory of God that He reveals in each person.

But my old habits die hard. I reflect on the various interactions I've had with people of late and realize that there are so many missed opportunities.

There are so many times that I interact with people, talk with them, listen to them- but fail to really engage. I enjoy myself rather than enjoying them.

I get so excited about what I'm learning, and what I want to say that I fail to just sit and behold the marvelous creature before me. I see them, but I don't see them. I listen but I don't listen. I fail to "practice their presence" so to speak.

I'm missing out, but I need to get past my own self-absorption to really engage with other people in ways that I rarely do. I think the goodness of God is evidenced in the fact that I actually still have friends!

:) *Smiling, but not joking* :)

Avoiding eye-contact with God

That's what I feel like I've been doing for the past few weeks. All too aware of the ways that I am not measuring up, I put Him off because I feel unworthy of His presence. The subconscious line of thought is that once I just clean myself up a little better I can approach Him.

So silly. Really. Of course I can't measure up. As long as I try, or delude myself into thinking I can, I embrace my selfish pride. I fail often. Let's get that out of the way now, so I can just accept the freely given grace, and the truth that I am forgiven!

Makes me think of a quote that stood out for me in Brother Lawrence's "Practicing the Presence of God":

"When an occasion of practicing some virtue was offered, he addressed himself to God saying, 'Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me'. Then he received strength more than sufficient. When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault saying to God, 'I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself. It is You who must hinder my failing and mend what is amiss.' Then, after this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it."

and this one:
"He said he was very aware of his faults, but not discouraged by them. He confessed them to God and made no excuses. Then, he peaceably resumed his usual practice of love and adoration."

LORD Jesus, I thank You that I cannot earn your love, OR Your acceptance!

A theology of suffering

It's been a crazy week. I think I worked, or was at work-related functions for about 80 hours this week. Don't get me wrong, I loved (almost) every second of it, though I'm a bit tired... We had orientation, with 4 candidates, our international director visiting, and a board meeting and barbeque yesterday. Well I didn't actually go to the board meeting, thankfully. :)

A highlight of my week though was this:

On Thursday afternoon with orientation officially over, I had a great discussion with Mel (friend and co-worker), Donnie (Canadian director and my boss) and our international director John Fletcher. We have these defining discussions with Donnie all the time, and it is one of the best things about working here. These talks, as we dig into our relationships with God, what He's teaching us, and how that works into how He has called us to serve. We've all been learning such similar lessons, about how our identity is found not in what we DO for God (as if He would be lost without us) but in WHO we are in relationship with Him. What we do has to flow out of that relationship, or else it's all self effort that will blow away in the wind.

Anyway, on Thursday, as we sat and talked, John Fletcher brought up the concern that we need to have a theology of suffering.... instead of a theology of success.

The theology of success is what we are comfortable with, and what we've come to expect when it comes to ministry. Find out what works and market it. Come do this _____ ministry with us because it is exciting, dangerous, needed, fun, _____ etc. The reality of ministry is that it inevitably involves suffering. If our faith doesn't have room for this... we'll either learn it as we suffer, or we'll crash and burn.

But suffering, brokenness and pain are not our enemies. Shattered dreams are most often the things that bring us to God, and refine us. In the loss of the things that we desire, we find that our greater desire and need is for Him.

(good references: Henry Nouwen, "The Wounded Healer""and Larry Crabb, "Shattered Dreams")