Avoiding eye-contact with God

That's what I feel like I've been doing for the past few weeks. All too aware of the ways that I am not measuring up, I put Him off because I feel unworthy of His presence. The subconscious line of thought is that once I just clean myself up a little better I can approach Him.

So silly. Really. Of course I can't measure up. As long as I try, or delude myself into thinking I can, I embrace my selfish pride. I fail often. Let's get that out of the way now, so I can just accept the freely given grace, and the truth that I am forgiven!

Makes me think of a quote that stood out for me in Brother Lawrence's "Practicing the Presence of God":

"When an occasion of practicing some virtue was offered, he addressed himself to God saying, 'Lord, I cannot do this unless Thou enablest me'. Then he received strength more than sufficient. When he had failed in his duty, he only confessed his fault saying to God, 'I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself. It is You who must hinder my failing and mend what is amiss.' Then, after this, he gave himself no further uneasiness about it."

and this one:
"He said he was very aware of his faults, but not discouraged by them. He confessed them to God and made no excuses. Then, he peaceably resumed his usual practice of love and adoration."

LORD Jesus, I thank You that I cannot earn your love, OR Your acceptance!

A theology of suffering

It's been a crazy week. I think I worked, or was at work-related functions for about 80 hours this week. Don't get me wrong, I loved (almost) every second of it, though I'm a bit tired... We had orientation, with 4 candidates, our international director visiting, and a board meeting and barbeque yesterday. Well I didn't actually go to the board meeting, thankfully. :)

A highlight of my week though was this:

On Thursday afternoon with orientation officially over, I had a great discussion with Mel (friend and co-worker), Donnie (Canadian director and my boss) and our international director John Fletcher. We have these defining discussions with Donnie all the time, and it is one of the best things about working here. These talks, as we dig into our relationships with God, what He's teaching us, and how that works into how He has called us to serve. We've all been learning such similar lessons, about how our identity is found not in what we DO for God (as if He would be lost without us) but in WHO we are in relationship with Him. What we do has to flow out of that relationship, or else it's all self effort that will blow away in the wind.

Anyway, on Thursday, as we sat and talked, John Fletcher brought up the concern that we need to have a theology of suffering.... instead of a theology of success.

The theology of success is what we are comfortable with, and what we've come to expect when it comes to ministry. Find out what works and market it. Come do this _____ ministry with us because it is exciting, dangerous, needed, fun, _____ etc. The reality of ministry is that it inevitably involves suffering. If our faith doesn't have room for this... we'll either learn it as we suffer, or we'll crash and burn.

But suffering, brokenness and pain are not our enemies. Shattered dreams are most often the things that bring us to God, and refine us. In the loss of the things that we desire, we find that our greater desire and need is for Him.

(good references: Henry Nouwen, "The Wounded Healer""and Larry Crabb, "Shattered Dreams")

Fun on the weekend

On Saturday I went to Toronto for the day to pick up one of our visiting workers. Marie was one of the women I was able to visit with in Thailand, and she is staying with me in London for the week. We are so glad to have her here during our COP (Candidate Orientation Program) as she shares with us. On Saturday we went to Chinatown, to Kensington Market, and got a bit of shopping in at a new store in the Eaton Centre. When I was in Bangkok with her, we had a system worked out as we shopped at a market on a free day. She would do the bartering because she would get a better deal because of her Asian face. Then I would find us a place to sit, or to eat, because I would get better treatment as a white foreigner. Warped I know, but we made it work for us, and decided to laugh about it.


Then on the way home from Toronto I stopped in Cambridge and stayed over with Steve & Amanda and the next morning Amanda and I went to Fergus for Matthew Garrett's baby dedication.

It was a great weekend, spent with people I love. Living so far away from family, I am SO grateful for friends like Steve & Amanda and Kim & Pat... they ARE family!

A sore back, two paper-cuts and one vicious fight with a paper shredder

You just knew it was this glamorous didn't you?

I spent the day hunkering down on the floor of my office which has officially been pronounced a disaster area (to the delight of certain co-workers, jealous of how organized I was bragging about being :) ). My mind is numb now after reorganizing and purging all 35 of our missionaries' files. I've got the battle wounds to prove it.

I was pretty excited yesterday to receive our new Edge (short-term) brochures, which are the first full-colour brochures I've designed. And the other day we received our mini-displays, which are the first displays I've designed. Because I am so proud of myself, I took a picture of some of them to show you.



Yesterday was much more fun, because I got to play with Stephen, while his parents (Scott & Courtney who work with me at PIONEERS) worked on stuff after hours. That is, until he bumped his head on my desk and I handed him back over to mom.


Ok, just wanted to give you a peek inside my exciting week :)

Oh yeah- the fight between me and the paper shredder? I won of course.
And I'll be good as new in a few days. :)

"I run to Thee"

A praise song written for the PIONEERS retreat I went to in Cyprus, written by one of our missionaries in Central Asia.

I run to Thee with longing heart
My childlike steps to waiting arms
To know You as the highest prize
I cast aside these worldly charms
To hear Your voice, to share Your life
To see You in Your majesty

And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee
And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee

I run to Thee all burdened down
With cares of life and load of sin,
Your invitation beckons me
To steal away and enter in
My will release, my heart exchange
Your life for mine, the mystery

And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee
And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee

I run to Thee with battle wounds,
A heavy heart, and throbbing pain
For You, the source of healing streams,
Can only make me whole again
And hope is mine when weakened, I
In Your strength face the enemy

And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee
And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee

I run to Thee with arms outstretched,
My crowns from life I cannot hold
But cast them down at love-scarred feet
And enter into joy untold
Your nail-pierced hands and radiant face
Now I, in wondrous glory see

And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee
And drawing near I find my rest, and hide myself in Thee

I found it!

During Christmas break in 2001, I brought my decrepit laptop home with me, and my 13 year-old sister Ashley borrowed it one day and made me this simple picture and message, and saved it as my wallpaper. As most of you know, she died in February of 2002 so it suddenly meant a lot to me. Then my computer died, and I thought I lost the file.
Today as I was going through old, old files I found it!
Just a simple picture that means an awful lot to me. :)
Thank You God!

Forgiveness

I heard a good sermon this past week at North Park. It was about forgiveness. It got me thinking. I never realized I had trouble forgiving until the past few years. This was the quote that helped it finally "click" for me:

In His death Christ has paid for all sin- not only mine, but also that of the whole world- and that includes the sin that committed against me by my neighbour. The Gospel gives me a solid foundation not only for receiving forgiveness, but also for giving it. We can now forgive, knowing that our sense of justice has not been muzzled, but rather vindicated in the finished work of Christ.

Forgiveness is the choice to agree with God concerning what is due the one who has sinned against me. In the finished work of Christ I hear God say, 'It has been paid for.' To refuse to forgive is to choose to disagree with God, saying that the cross was not enough to deal with all sin.

From malcolmsmith.org

Recently I took the picture below, and on it, put the names of all of the people in my life I could think of who had hurt or wounded me in some way. All of the people who have either caused me pain, or sinned against me, or both. Then I crossed each name out, and put "PAID FOR, DEALT WITH, FORGIVEN" across it. Every sin has been paid for, and every pain carried by Jesus at the cross. As I recognize that truth, real healing and forgiveness is unavoidable. I'd share my worship art with you, but why bring up all the names and old hurts? They all were dealt with at the cross. Thank You Jesus!

As I went through it all, one thing became painfully clear: I can make a long list of wounds, minor and major, but as I think about all of the people I have met in my life, I realize that I have hurt, and treated people worse than I have been treated. I don't have anything to say about it, as I am still reeling from the realization. It probably shouldn't be such a surprise.

LORD thank you that you are changing me!

Christ's love spilling out

It is so wonderful to watch God at work, and even more wonderful when He allows us to be a part of it.

This morning our team spent in prayer: prayer of thanksgiving, praise, confession, and petition. We prayed for ourselves, each other, and for the numerous people we have been given the privelege of serving. We prayed for those preparing to live overseas, and those already there living as salt and light in the darkest places of the world.

I also heard some great stories of how God is at work, and what struck me this morning was this: the stories we are hearing about lives being touched by God's Love and Truth are stories where it is clearly God at work. The most amazing stories are not the ones where ambitious servants started programs, or developed winning strategies (though there are places for those things). The stories that I am hearing are about how ordinary people, who have chosen to live in dark places, let the Light of God shine through them naturally.

Like the girl **Samantha living in East Asia among a Buddhist people. She wanted to find a way to share some Truth with friends who had gathered together to work on a research project. Before she even had a chance, as they discussed funeral rites, one of the girls began to share how she has seen that Christians are not afraid of death like her people are. The Hope, Light, Truth and Love of Christ are shared first, without words.

Less and less am I concerned about strategies and methods. More and more I am consumed with a desire to KNOW God. More and more I realize that Christ IS my life. As I am overwhelmed with His love, I can't help but love Him, and I can't hold back the love I have for others. I want it to flow out naturally, like breathing. I want people to know me, and as a result, hunger and thirst after the only One who can satisfy.


** name changed

Pictures from my July trip to New Brunswick

In July I had the opportunity to go home to New Brunswick for a week to see my family. It was such a needed break, and a huge blessing to be able to make the unexpected trip. Thank you LORD! I also had the opportunity to travel to White Head Island to share at the church there, and to fellowship with some great people. Here are some of my pictures from the trip. Enjoy!
(click on the picture if you want to see it larger than shown here)

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BEAUTIFUL NEW BRUNSWICK SCENERY
Notice almost every picture here has the ocean in it. Guess what I miss the most when I am living far inland in Ontario? (Aside from my great family of course)


At my aunt & uncle's lot


another view from their beach


from the beach in front of our family's cottage


On Dorchester Island


Dorchester Island again
(that's Dorchester NEW BRUNSWICK- not Dorchester Ontario) :)

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SOME OF MY WONDERFUL FAMILY
I don't have pictures of all of them- I have a huge family... but here are a few


Me with mom and dad on Dorchester Island


aunt Marcia, aunt Alva, aunt Simonne, and mom
(4 of the 12 siblings)


aunt Marcia and my cousin Rebecca


my cousin Christy
(we share the same birthday, but not the same year, in case you were wondering)


aunt Carolyn and uncle Gary


My two grandmothers: memere and nan
(A true Canadian- I'm Acadian and British (with some Scottish) and proud of it!)

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MY TRIP TO WHITE HEAD ISLAND
My parents and I travelled to White Head Island so that I could share at the church there. The island is beautiful, and the people warm and hospitable. It was too short of a trip, so I guess I'll just have to go back to visit again sometime.


Here waiting for the first ferry


On the ferry




A view of part of Grand Manan Island from the ferry as it passed by. I kick myself for not taking more pictures when I actually got to White Head, but I was too nervous about speaking at the church to remember!

Like a child again

I feel like I am a little child again. When I was a child my favourite thing to do was explore. My sense of wonder was alive and well. This sense of adventure lead me to explore the woods and fields around my house, climb trees, and catch every frog, toad and other creature I could find. I explored the beaches, examining everything I saw, from jelly fish to fossils. I can remember looking with reverence at what I now take for granted.


Lately, I have noticed a renewed sense of wonder and awe... and I feel like I have new eyes to see what was always there. But this time, what I see and enjoy, is not the world that I can see and touch.

I'm talking about people. Complex, imperfect, walking wounded, but incredibly beautiful. I wish I could really describe what I am beginning to see.

I think I can trace it to the on-going revelation of God's love for me. The more He reveals it to me, the more I can't help loving Him, and I can't hold back my love for people.

I don't even know if they know it yet. But I see them differently. I've always known my biggest struggle is with being critical and judgmental. I've acknowledged it was wrong, and tried hard to change it. I've tried to "be loving." At best, there were superficial fixes that often failed. But now, I can see how God has been at work, and how He is breaking down strongholds.

I want to see with His eyes... with His love. I can't manufacture it on my own. I am getting tiny glimpses of how He sees people, and when God looks at people there are no losers, no failures, no freaks and no bores. I hunger for more of this- God have Your way!

Like a child I see and marvel. I see good, and rejoice. I see bad, and know that is not all there is. I see a broken person and I see hope. I see God at work, transforming a life, and I am fascinated. I am faced with the intricacy of a personality, and I gaze with reverence at how God has uniquely formed each person.

I have been moved watching the sun set over a pure, peaceful landscape, and inspired by the power of the ocean's crashing waves. Neither one compares with the beauty of any human being.

Some favourite quotes... Malcolm Smith

Just wanted to share some good quotes taken from the website of my favourite Bible teacher, Malcolm Smith (www.malcolmsmith.org):

On forgiveness:
"In His death Christ has paid for all sin- not only mine, but also that of the whole world- and that includes the sin that was committed against me by my neighbor. The Gospel gives me a solid foundation not only for receiving forgiveness, but also for giving it. We can now forgive, knowing that our sense of justice has not been muzzled, but rather vindicated in the finished work of Christ.
"Forgiveness is the choice to agree with God concerning what is due the one who has sinned against me. In the finished work of Christ I hear God say, 'It has been paid for.' To refuse to forgive is to choose to disagree with God, saying that the cross was not enough to deal with all sin."

From God to us:
"My child I am with you; I am not merely alongside you; I am with you and united to you at the core of your being. You will never call upon Me and find that I have left you. I am with you always and answer your faintest cry. Though the darkness menace you, you are bound to Me forever. When you neither see nor hear or feel Me, know My child that I am with you and will never forsake you.I have set my love upon you from before time because of who I am; if I ceased to love you I would cease to be. Do not let your heart be tormented with the fear that you will do something to cause Me to leave you or stand aloof treating you with indifference. You do not control My being with you by your behavior. You can neither summon Me nor dismiss Me by your works. I am free in my love and beyond manipulation by My children. My presence with you is not a deserved reward for your good behavior but is continually poured upon you out from the sheer delight of My love for you. My child I am not merely alongside you; I am with you and united to you at the core of your being. You are bound to Me forever. Let My word be engraved upon your heart and rest."

PIONEERS Team Retreat in Muskoka

I have the best co-workers in the world. Last week we went to Muskoka to a cottage for a prayer and planning retreat. It was a great time to spend together in such a beautiful place. We spent the mornings in meetings, going over what has happened in the last year, and looking forward into the next year, seeking to see how God is leading our next steps. I found it quite amazing to see how far we have come, when looking back. We are in a pretty exciting place of growth, and look forward to seeing how God will work as we move ahead.

One thing became clear- we just have to thank and praise God for the work He is doing to draw people to Himself. We are privileged to have a part in seeing people leave their comfort zones and live as salt and light in the darkest places of the world.

Here is a picture that we took at the retreat, so you can see the great folks I work with.

In a sea of uncertainty... and thankful

Everything in my life is uncertain.

If I had been able to have my way in the past few years, this would not be the situation of my life, and these would not be my circumstances. Finding myself here now though, there is no other place I'd rather be.

It is difficult though. I find myself out in the wilderness, with no one, and nothing, that is steady, constant and certain.

At Christmas, while with my family, it hit me hard that NB is no longer my home. I will always be welcome there- will love and be loved- but I don't belong. 2000 km away, I live with various roommates over time (last count 24 in all) and am blessed by each of them. But we each move on into different phases of life. Nothing steady.

For years I held onto "my plans" with a fiery passion. If the people in my life were not constant, at least I had my plans and ambitions to hold onto. Now, all I know is that nothing is certain. Right now, God gives me just enough light to be able to take the next step, not to see into the far-reaching horizon.

This is when I can struggle most with being single: when I can envy my friends who have someone to help them when the car breaks down, to help make financial decisions, and who for better or for worse will be a companion at their side.

But praise God for bringing me here. In this uncertainty, I can only rest where true certainty is found. Drawn away from the safety and security of life in dependence on anyone or anything else, I am forced to find in Him, everything I need.

This is a season of my journey for which I am enormously grateful. I have asked many of you to pray for the refining of my faith, that it would go through the fire and come out purified into something beautiful. I have to admit I winced as I wrote that in my last prayer letter. But greater than the fear of pain in what the answer might mean, I hunger for the fulfillment of its purpose. This is my journey, and I don't want to move up from here unless God is in it.

Introduction to my blog

Hi there...

This is my blog... my first attempt at such a thing... we'll see how it goes...

Since so many of the precious people in my life live so far away from me, and since I am always struggling to keep in touch with you all, I thought this might be a good way to keep you updated on my life, and all God is doing and teaching me. I'm also excited to be able to share pictures with you.

Feel free to comment on here, or drop me an email. I'd love to hear from you!

Your sister and friend,

Jennifer

Pictures and info from Thailand trip 2005 (Part 2)

Second week: Phuket, Thailand- Tsunami Relief

Already having the trip to Thailand planned when the Dec. 26 tsunami happened, I decided to see if there was a way I could help with some of the relief and rehabilitation from the disaster. Joined by three other girls, I went to the island of Phuket where a lot of damage had occurred. We managed to hook up with an organization that was already helping there, and they made the connections needed for us to go to several villages and put on simple children's programs for them. We were able to meet a number of local Thai believers, and to meet missionaries who serve full-time there. We heard so many stories of how they had been directly impacted, and even hit with the tsunami.


We played games with the children, gathering a large group of them. We taught them some Bible stories, with some local Thai believers translating for us.


The children were beautiful, we fell in love with them.


Many of the children were seemingly malnourished, and several had completely inadequate clothing. It was hard to see the conditions, but we welcomed our brief opportunity to love them, pray for them, and play with them.


The two villages on Phuket where we did the children's programs, are "Sea Gypsy" fishing villages. You can see here some of their boats. A number of them had lost boats in the tsunami, and a Christian aid organization was helping to rebuild.


There were still posters up all around asking for help in finding, as-yet unaccounted for loved ones.


We were able to see some of the tsunami damage first-hand, in Patong on Phuket, where the casualties and damage were significant. The tsunami had come from the beach directly behind where I was standing when I took this picture, and went up this street, destroying everything in its way.


As we walked along the beach front road we kept seeing signs for businesses and shops we wanted to see, then realizing that they no longer exisited. The biggest concern on people's minds seemed to be the tourism-dependant economy, and how it would be affected in the tsunami aftermath.

Pictures and info from Thailand trip 2005 (Part 1)

First week: PIONEERS Conference

I can't share most of the conference pictures on the internet, so I'll just tell you a bit about it. I went to the Mid-Asia Region retreat for PIONEERS, as a representative for PI Canada. I had gone the year before, but with a number of leaders. This year, just I went from our office, and I recognized my complete inadequacy for the task. But that was a good thing, because it forced me to depend on the adequacy of God. I went to meet each Canadian missionary, and to listen to their stories and experiences. I especially enjoyed the opportunity to spend time with the Canadian single women, and hopefully was an encouragement to them. I brought care packages from PI Canada, and hosted a meeting and a meal bringing the Canadians together. The conference was also a great opportunity to hear from a number of Team Leaders and Area Leaders from all over, and to learn how God is moving and working. I was able to bring home a lot of that information, and continue to look forward to helping send other Canadians to join in.

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Here is a strange picture I can share. Every time I go to Asia, it seems that something weird happens to my feet. The first time I got a rash on my feet, the second time I got about 200 mosquito bites from my knees down. This time, I somehow badly sunburned ONE of my feet, and it swelled up, looking like a sausage, till I had no ankle bone showing. I know you wanted to see that. :)

What do they call those things... cankles?

Call to prayer

Pictures from Jordan/Cyprus Trip 2004 (Part 4)

Pictures from Petra, Jordan

We got to explore Jordan a bit, and to see some of the places it is known for. Playing the tourist for 2 days, we took a bus down to Petra, where we were able to meet a number of interesting and great people. You might remember seeing Petra in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade." It was such an incredible place to see, with thousands of years of history etched into the rock. We spent 2 days exploring, hiking, riding horses, donkeys and a camel, and barely scratched the surface. Someday, if you have the chance... go to Petra!


After a trek along a winding path that cuts through the rock, we can see here a glimpse of what lies beyond...


... an enormous temple carved into the rock face
(Londoners, note the Novack's bag on the camel)


I went for a hike with a Bedouin guide and had some incredible sights and views. I also got to hear the standard line, and on behalf of my father, turned down the offer of camels for my hand in marriage.


On the second day, after a long and scary donkey ride, we reached this monastary. On the way down we let the guides ride the donkeys, trusting our own feet to take us down safely.


Mel and I watching the sun set over the Bedouin village. This was part of an *interesting* outing with some Bedouin. It all turned out fine, and we even got to have a good discussion about Truth with our guides.

Pictures from Jordan/Cyprus Trip 2004 (Part 3)

Pictures from the Dead Sea, Jordan side

A wonderful Palestinian family took us to the Dead Sea for the day. We had a wonderful time with them, enjoying their gracious hospitality. We swam, then enjoyed a tasty barbeque under the twinkling stars with Arabic music playing around us. It was one of the best days I've ever had!


Me at the Dead Sea



Me swimming in the Dead Sea- yes you really do float like they say, and if you get any of that super-salty water in your eyes... watch out!

Pictures from Jordan/Cyprus trip 2004 (Part 2)

Pictures from Amman, Jordan (September 2004)

After the conference in Cyprus, we spent a week in Jordan, exploring, and meeting and spending time with local people. I have to say that meeting the families that I did was the biggest highlight, and in those experiences, God touched my heart with His love for Arab people. By the end of the week I just found myself asking, "please Lord, can I come back?"


The city is built on a number of hills


From a rooftop


Walking down the street in a more traditional area


In a fruit and vegetable market- notice men do the shopping!