Up from here

The end of an era

2007-12-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

I do believe the end of this era arrived long ago. A look at the scarcity of blog posts over the past months is sufficient to prove this. I guess I’m just accepting it. Yes, I’m finally accepting that it is time for me to close down this blog.

I’ve been reluctant to just do it, and close it off, because it has been through this blog over the past 2 years that I have rediscovered my love of writing. I haven’t been posting- I haven’t been writing much at all, actually- but the desire to write remains a fire in my belly. I will keep writing, but not here. It’s time to start on some other writing projects, which have been percolating for too long.

I’m a bit sad about this, because this blog has been such a neat experience for me. There is a lot of me on here, and big pieces of my journey have been traced. It’s kind of like looking through a photo album and reliving important events, experiences, seasons and relationships; it’s a neat personal record of two years of my life. I suspect that even years from now, I will look back on it with sentimentality, gratitude, and a bit of a patronizing smile, remembering the person I was in my twenties.

I may blog again at some point in the future, it’s actually quite likely. But this is the end of Up From Here. Before I close it down though, it’s important for me to thank those who have read the rambling thoughts of Jennifer MacDonald over these few years. I can’t thank you enough: first of all, simply for reading my thoughts, secondly, for your gratefully received comments, emails, and words. I’ve been humbled by those of you who have faithfully returned, even after my months of delinquent posting. Thank you!

And I guess, that about wraps it up.

Meticulous planning

2007-10-02T19:58:00.000-04:00

I've been reviewing my "List of Things To Do Before I Die", and I don't seem to be getting very far ahead with it. The rate at which I check items off is no match for the rate at which I add them. The more I experience, the more I want to experience. The world is so interesting; there are so many things to do and learn. I can't get enough of it.

The major change in my life, moving from Pioneers to this new company, has me thinking more about the big picture of my life. I want to be pro-active with the decisions and directions that my life takes, thinking about things and making choices, and not just letting it all happen to me. I have this fear, of reaching my twilight years and having big regrets of a life not experienced, and risks not taken.

Of course, meticulous planning will never pay off the way I expect. This past weekend I found myself in New Brunswick, sharing at a Ladies' Breakfast at the church I grew up in, and again in the Sunday evening service. Four years earlier, I had stood in front of them and shared about my desire to serve with Pioneers. This time I stood in front of them, formally closing that chapter.

What have I learned? A whole lot of things, but for the purpose of this blog post, I'll focus on one: life is a continuous series of unexpected turns. My thoughts of the future always have some sense of stability attached to them, but I'm beginning to wonder.

Time to end the blogging sabbatical

2007-09-12T22:31:00.000-04:00

As you can see, I've taken a long break from blogging. I took the whole summer off really. I think it's time to start writing again.

There have been some big changes in my life in this time... ok, just one really. I've left Pioneers, and started a new job. This has been one of the reasons that I have been silent on here. Usually I process a lot of my thoughts on this blog, but I didn't feel like it was appropriate for me to share while there was uncertainty and decisions yet unmade.

It's all done now; I started a few days ago at my new company. It's a big adjustment going from "non-profit" to "for-profit", to name just one of many changes.

This whole thing about "leaving the ministry" has been interesting to me as well. I have some thoughts about that which I may process on here one of these days. I really worried a lot about what people would think, but knew I couldn't make my decisions based on a perceived need for the approval of others.

Anyway, I'm back (in the blogging world) and am officially announcing the end of my sabbatical.

Notice anything different?

2007-06-05T00:37:00.001-04:00

The luxury of silence

2007-05-23T20:32:00.000-04:00

One of the comments from my "Saturday night services" post really surprised me. Mark said, "keep blogging Jennifer, we need your voice." The reason this comment stuck out to me was that this issue of using my voice, was exactly what I was wrestling with God about. Two of my mentors have also spoken specifically into my life in the last few weeks about this, affirming the need for me to use my voice.
At another point in my life, with that kind of encouragement, I wouldn't have hesitated to inflict my voice on others. At this point though, I am a bit more realistic about what I have to offer. Sometimes there is wisdom in what I have to say, and sometimes people do benefit. At other times, I make a fool of myself, and say exactly the wrong thing. Choosing to use my voice means simply to use it, releasing control of when or if it is valuable. When I hold tightly to control how I speak and present myself, what I say loses its value. It becomes a sermon, rather than a sharing of a broken life with which others can identify.
It is a little less than reassuring to move forward with this knowing that the calling to use my voice, like life in general, is messy. Sometimes I would rather stay silent. In silence, I can avoid the kind of self-disclosure that exposes my weaknesses. My calling is not to be wiser or smarter than anyone else; it is to live an authentic and transparent life. I'd much prefer the luxury of the facade. I'd love to speak only when words of profound wisdom well up inside and roll off my tongue (or fingers, as I type). Such luxury however, is not mine, and so here I am. Messy, complicated, ironic, hopeful, and occasionally wise.

Self-indulgence and disillusionment

2007-05-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

I bought a Keith Urban cd today. I bought it for the same reason that I rented my favourite romantic comedy last week: I'm avoiding the indulgence of bitterness and disillusionment. I've shared with some recently that I don't believe in romance. Of course I know what I am supposed to believe; I'm talking about what I actually believe, or in this case, don't.
I'm not so self-absorbed as to believe that it doesn't exist at all. My parents aren't faking. After nearly thirty years of marriage, and having faced a number of challenges together, they've built a relationship that is beautiful to see. Many of my friends are also in relationships that are a joy to behold. For my single friends, I have endless hope that love is around the corner for them. For myself though, I just don't believe it.
Of course I hope I'm wrong. That's why I'm listening to Keith Urban today, and refusing to indulge in a bitterness that will build impenetrable walls. Maybe someday I'll find out that I'm wrong. In the mean-time, there's a lot to enjoy in life.

The Uncensored Version

2007-05-18T16:19:00.000-04:00

I woke this morning with the certainty that someone was praying for me. It's a nice way to start the day. I had gone to sleep amidst angry prayers, and woke to the warmth of being enveloped in the love of Jesus. I wish words could do justice to the experience of God in life, but they can paint only the smallest picture with which to identify.
I'm glad to be honest with you all about my life, and my faith. My life is an open book to my close friends, and that's how it is with God as well. Obviously He knows me better than I know myself, but I still tell Him everything. It means a lot to me to be able to be honest with God in my prayers. I share a lot with my closest friends, but God gets the uncensored version. (My friends are shuddering right now... there is an uncensored version??) It occurred to me this morning what a brat I am with God sometimes. I let loose on Him a lot more than with anyone else. That's the reality. Should I feel ashamed of that, or try to clean it up?
I think it is kind of like how we are with family. The closest people in my life are those who have fought with me. They've seen the worst sides of me, and still accept me. I often say that I can't be really close with someone if we have never fought.
This is not to excuse my being bratty with the Creator of the Universe. I'm wrong of course, every time. I won't contest that. I am thankful though, that He gives me the freedom to be myself around Him. I can be honest, and be my bratty self with Him, and He accepts me unconditionally. Until I am faced with contrast, I didn't realize how hard I try to please people. Until being totally free in one relationship, I didn't realize how much I work at being likeable, and unoffensive to the people around me. It's freeing really, to have a place where I don't have to worry about being "too much" for the other party in the relationship. With God, I never need to fear that I will ask too much. I will never be too needy. He will never be disgusted with my weakness. He'll never stop to re-evaluate whether I am worth the effort of relationship. He will never be shocked and horrified by what He sees in me. He knows me. He loves me. He is at work in me, refining me, teaching me what it means to live my life in Him, letting Him love people through me. I'm a brat, but I don't have Him wrapped around my finger. He lays clear boundaries that give me security. He always chooses what is best for me, though I don't always understand it. I rail at Him, cry to Him, and lean on Him, and in the end I know I am safe with Him. The weight of the world that I carry on my shoulders is lifted by Him.
I know some people call religion a crutch. I don't know about "religion", but I know that I find life in my relationship with God. Pass me the crutches- my legs are broken anyway!

Pioneers blog

2007-05-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, we've taken the plunge.

The organizational blog I talked about before is launched. I now have my personal blog here, and my Pioneers blog. If you're interested, you can see it here.

It's going to take me a bit to get into the flow of it. I'm nervous, and excited about it at the same time.

Saturday night services

2007-05-05T21:30:00.000-04:00

I used to go to North Park by myself for Saturday night church services. Occasionally I'd go with a friend, but most often by myself. It was often a very lonely experience, as I never seemed able to connect with people my age. I'd go in by myself, sit among strangers and enjoy the service, then go home.

Now I know a lot more people, and I get plenty of good heart-to-heart fellowship with other believers... but the church service is not where that happens. The service for me is often a place where the heaviest things on my heart reveal themselves, urged to silence no longer. I sit or stand there during the extended worship time after the message, and just talk to God, wrestle with Him, and cry out to Him, all the while being reminded of truth through the worship songs.

Tonight I went to church with a friend, and as I sat there, blinking back tears, and trying to keep my lip from quivering noticeably, I remembered why it was convenient to go alone. :)

I don't want people to see me crying, but I don't want to pretend I'm stronger than I am. I wasn't crying noble tears tonight because I was moved and inspired by the worship. I was crying because amidst all the songs about surrender, I most certainly did not want to surrender. How's that for an admission? :) I have a sense of what He is asking of me, and I don't want it. I want Him to see that it costs too much, to see that I am too weary, and He should ask someone else.

He'll win of course. Not because He'll force me, but because I can't imagine living another way. I feel like Moses right now, at the burning bush, telling God that He's got it wrong. The youthful enthusiasm that once drove me has faded and dried up: I'm only 26, how can this be? Now I'd be content to live in the wilderness, with the simplicity of a life looking after some goats or sheep.

I'll choose Him... because in my heart I want Him. For tonight though, I couldn't just sing words that my heart wasn't in. For tonight, I'm still wrestling it through with Him. I know I'm being bratty, but really it's trust in Him that frees me to ask Him any question, confident that He'll have an answer. The process is just a bit painful sometimes.

Blogging pressure

2007-05-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to figure out why I am so terrible at blogging these past 6 months or so. I know it's pretty normal for bloggers to fizzle out after a while, losing interest and enthusiasm... but that's not quite it. I still have a lot to say, and a strong desire to write. My life, as usual, provides plenty of fodder for reflections and stories. But something has been holding me back.

I love to write, and like most writers, I enjoy knowing that what I write is being read. I have a bit of an eclectic blog, sharing a variety of things that are interesting to me. It's been pleasantly surprising over the past nearly two years to find that people are actually reading this blog. It's been nice, but as the readership widened, it got harder to write. I've often reminded myself that this is a public blog, but knowing people CAN read it, and that they ARE reading it are two very different things.

I feel it like a calling on my life to be an open person. Authenticity and transparency are high values in my life and friendships. I've chosen many times to be open here, because in the end, I know a lot of people can relate to the things that I wrestle with: especially life and faith issues. My aim has been to share my journey: as complicated and messy as it all is sometimes. If you can't relate to the situations I write about, you can probably relate to the messiness of it all. I don't even get extremely personal on here; the deep stuff I save for my closest friends and God. There's a lot that doesn't end up on this blog. :)

Looking at nearly two years worth of blogging however, I see the accumulation of a lot of me on here. Sometimes, I just honestly feel like hiding from the world. The desire to be known is overshadowed by the fear that to be known is to be rejected. It would be nice to be transparent, and to have it all together. The obvious reality though, is that to be transparent is to reveal weakness.

So, overwhelmed by the accumulation of what I have revealed thus far, and intimidated by the growing pressure to keep writing, I made a choice to withdraw. I chose not to use my voice. I chose safety (in many areas, not just this) instead of risks. It seemed better than continuing on, revealing more weakness at a fragile time in my life, and inevitably letting everyone down.

I guess I'm writing this as a bit of a catharsis. The admission frees me to let go of the expectations and pressure I feel. I love to write. I even think that sometimes I write pretty well. But sometimes, like today, I'm just getting thoughts out and that's my purpose: communication, not stellar writing.

And now, having written so infrequently for these months, I think I've shaken off a lot of readers. I can start afresh with a blank slate of sorts. :)

Reading about blogging (as opposed to actually doing it)... things have to change

2007-04-13T15:41:00.000-04:00

I just finished a book on blogging (The Corporate Blogging Book). It was interesting, and a worthwhile read for some of the things we are thinking of doing for work. We're thinking of launching a blog for our organization.

It's funny though because I've been reading about blogging, but not actally blogging. Shameful. :)

It makes realize though that it is time for an overhaul of this blog. After doing this for what is approaching 2 years, I'm in a bit of a rut, as you can see from the scarcity of my posts this winter. So I am going to experiment with some things, changing the look of things... we'll see how it goes.

A lot on my mind

2007-04-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

I have a lot on my mind this week. It seems I always do. Those times that I constantly look forward to- when everything will slow down, and things will be simpler- just never seem to happen. I'm in the middle of real life at every moment, so what do I do with that? The challenge is to live a life at rest, and at peace in God, in the midst of all the busy-ness, craziness, and emotional upheavals that life throws at us.

I'm often unsuccessful. Worries and fears sometimes are overwhelming. Sometimes it seems that anxiety is a constant companion. But I'm learning to trust in uncertainty, and there are days, like today, where my mind is full of as many questions as ever, but there is peace and rest in my heart.

I feel like I've lost 30 lbs- why I love spring

2007-03-30T20:16:00.000-04:00

There is something so satisfying about putting away my winter coat. This past week has had days when a long sleeved shirt felt too warm, let alone my long heavy jacket. It's so freeing not to be bound by the restricting confines of winter clothes. Just walking around in my regular clothes, minus the coat, makes me feel like I've instantly lost 30 lbs. :)

I have never liked winter. I don't mind watching pretty snowflakes cover the ground, creating idyllic landscapes, and there is something particularly enjoyable about "white" Christmases. But once the New Year hits, I'm ready for the white stuff, and the cold weather to be gone.

I'm reminded though, that if it wasn't for the extremes of a cold winter, I wouldn't have the same appreciation for the coming of spring. It's hard to find words to express the joy of seeing winter's long siege ending, and the promise of new life all around.

Without winter, the rain, mud, and slightly warm temperatures just wouldn't have the same effect. :)

**for the record, I'm not looking to lose 30 lbs ;)

I like long walks on the beach

2007-02-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

No, the above is not the beginning of a personal ad. I'm referring to one of the activities that I enjoyed in Mexico last week.

Yes, I went to Puerto Vallarta for 5 days this past week. It was planned and executed at the very last minute, and even when I got there I still couldn't believe it was happening.

It was the most unproductive trip I have ever taken, which was absolutely perfect. I sat on the beach and by the pool, and swam a lot in both. I attempted to tan, and if you see me in the near future I'll show you my slight change in colour. (I'm still paler than most, but there is a proud achievement in going from white to off-white. You're more likely to notice my darker freckles, but I'll take what I can get.) I went boogie boarding, body-surfing, whale-watching, snorkeling, and just generally had a lot of fun. I enjoyed lots of time spent with a family that has become very dear to me. I'm not sure how I lucked out to be treated as one of them, but I'm thankful!

You may join the masses in hating me when I tell you that the trip was also free. I'm still in shock and gratitude for the goodness of God as demonstrated in the unexpected generosity of friends.

I've been feeling down this winter, and during what happened to be a bitter cold snap, I had to make some big decisions that were very difficult. This opportunity happened at the exact right time for me, and I was able to get away and start healing. I'd been wrestling lately with believing that God has good plans for me, and then last week, on the 5 year anniversary of Ashley's death, I found myself in Puerto Vallarta laying on a massage table getting a back massage. I was confronted with the absurdity of my doubts. His love isn't always displayed through a free trip down south, but I can only thank Him for every unique blessing, and enjoy each in its time.

Why I'm a bad public speaker- POINT 1

2007-02-05T20:22:00.000-05:00

Being the performance-driven overachiever that I was in high school, I added participation in public speaking competitions to my already full extracurricular schedule in the 11th grade. I worked hard on my speech; I researched the subject, crafted it carefully, and practiced it repeatedly. I practiced the timing, putting in appropriate pauses for emphasis, facial expressions, and vocal inflections.

The time came for the competition and I was ready. I tackled the challenge with gusto, and it was beautiful. I wowed them with my presentation. I know this sounds a little too self-assured, but I hope you’ll allow me this, especially given the circumstances I must relate below.

The other competitors gave their speeches, and I knew I was a top contender. The other keeners at the top knew it too. As the extemporaneous round started and I took my place at the podium, I could see them squirming uncomfortably in their seats. They knew I had them. I was presented a basket with little slips of folded paper, and I carefully reached in and made a blind selection. My challenge was to take the phrase written on the slip I had chosen, and immediately craft and present a two minute speech.

I cleared my voice, made brief but pointed eye contact with my intimidated competitors, and then unfolded and read the piece of paper in my hand. “Suffering makes you stronger.” I blinked.

Then proceeded the longest 120 seconds of my life.

“Suffering makes you stronger.” I started with authority.

“When you suffer, you get… stronger.” I continued a bit more thoughtfully, looking off to the distance. Pausing for effect.

“To be stronger… you must suffer.” I inflected my voice with a bit of incredulousness, to show that I related to the audience and yet had a deeper understanding of the stated truth.

What followed was some creative re-wording and rearranging of the initial statement, without an ounce of meaning, or substance.

I could tell I was losing them, but I had absolutely nothing to say about this subject. My only recourse was to stall, and try to fool them with my clever re-wordings. It didn’t work. The tension in the front-row keeners visibly eased, until smugly relieved smiles plastered their faces. And there I was, with a stunning conclusion: “Suffering, makes you stronger.” Authoritative once again.

I took my seat knowing that my hopes for a win were lost.

It seems strange to remember a point in my life where I really had nothing to say about the fact that suffering makes you stronger. It’s the one subject about which I can’t stop talking, now.

Just a funny memory that I hope makes you smile, as it does me.

Why I'm a bad public speaker- INTRO

2007-02-05T19:43:00.000-05:00

I've decided that it's time for me to post a 3 part series, starting today.

The topic is, "Why I'm a terrible a public speaker"

I have three amusing stories to share about some of my public speaking disasters. I've had some good ones as well, and some mediocre ones, but these three are by far my funniest ones.

I'm definitely a writer, not a speaker. My thoughts run in so many abstract directions, and then I try to put it all together sequentially. When I can think it through a bit and craft my sentences in writing, I express myself better. Speaking, I often get tangled up in abstract thought directions, and lose the listeners.

I'm well aware however, that some of my writing could substitute for sedatives for people who are having trouble sleeping.

That said, if you're reading this, you're here of your own volition. I hope my stories make you smile, or at least put an end to your latest phase of insomnia.

Succession of discoveries

2007-02-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

I read a good quote today:

"Life is meant to bring a succession of discoveries of our need of Christ, and the way is opened for a new inflow of the supply... and as our need is met, as we prove the sufficiency of Christ to meet our inward need, so there can be a new sharing forth of His glory through us."
-Miles J. Stanford, The Green Letters

Flat tire no more

2007-01-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

In my emotional state on Friday night I told my friends Wayne & Irene about my flat tire, and feelings of helplessness. On Saturday morning, I borrowed Amy's car to go to work for a few hours and when I came back Wayne had: taken off my flat tire, taken it to a tire shop, purchased a new-used tire, brought it back, installed it, and driven around the block to test it out.

I felt helpless and alone on Friday, but I think, in the end, the experience was good for me. It helped me realize how hard I find it to ask for help in certain situations. There are a lot of people who are willing to help me, if they can, and if I just ask.

It also reminded me that God doesn't neglect me. Sometimes, in situations like that, I feel like He's ripped me off, and that He's not actually coming through for me.

I had to teach a lesson to the Asian Fellowship kids that was based on part of the Sermon on the Mount (in Matthew 5 & 6). I talked to the kids about trusting God to take care of them, and got them to make skits to act out examples of how what we talked about could look in their lives. It wasn't until they were doing their skits that I thought of how it applied to my situation.

To be honest though, I dismissed it; that is until I came home the next day and saw a new tire on my car. Me of little faith. God hasn't failed me yet, why do I act like I expect Him too? He showed me, again, this weekend that even though my dad is far away, and I can't do everything on my own, He is still looking after me. He often takes care of me through the people around me.

It's humbling. I often feel like what I am given by my friends is so much more significant than what I am able to give back. It's humbling and difficult to be in the place of receiving: without earning and without compulsively repaying out of obligation. I think it's important to be able to sometimes be weak, and needing help of others, and also accepting it. It's hard for me, but if I don't learn this point, I'll never fully understand gospel of grace.

Flat tire

2007-01-27T01:07:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a day. As I pulled out of my driveway this morning I noticed that my car was sounding kind of funny, but it was camouflaged a bit by the crunch of packed snow. It wasn't until I pulled off the snowy side-street onto the cleared, busy one that it became really obvious. I drove slowly to the nearest place to pull over, and confirmed that I did, in fact, have a completely flat tire. I sat for a few moments in my car and then turned around and drove very slowly and cautiously back home.

Once home, I didn't know what to do. I called my dad in New Brunswick, but he was on his way out. I didn't want him to hear me really upset and make him feel bad about not being able to help me from such a distance, so I didn't say much.

I sat for a while on the love-seat in our living room, just looking out the window at my flat tire. I didn't know what to do. Should I try to get it to a gas station to put air in the tire? It was sitting on the rim, and I was afraid of damaging it, so I sat there, frozen. Most people I knew to call for help were either at work or away.

I thought of one friend nearby who could at least give me some advice, and I was afraid of being an annoyance, but I sucked it up and called anyway. He wisely advised me not to drive on the rim, but to put on my spare tire until I could bring the flat one into a tire shop. He told me that changing a tire is simple, and walked me through step-by-step instructions on how to do it. As I listened, I took deep gulps of air to keep from bursting into tears, and tried to keep my voice from getting too high-pitched. He was busy with work, but said he would check on me later on to see how it went. He sounded much more confident than I was, but I faked it, reluctant to show just how upset and needy I was.

So out I went, faithfully. I found my spare tire, jack, etc in the trunk and my spirits raised a little. "Maybe I can do this thing," I thought. I popped off the centre thing and started working on the bolts. And that's as far I got. I couldn't budge them.

At 1:30am as I write this, my car is still out there, with one flat tire. I've been moody and grumpy all evening (my poor roommates). I cried quite a bit. I usually avoid publicly admitting to crying, but I'm too tired to care.

I know it's just a flat tire, but I wish there was a way to explain how frustrating it is to feel so helpless and needy. I hate feeling like a burden, and wish that I could just do some of these things on my own, but when I try, I find myself making decisions that are inexplicably stupid, or else I am frozen into inaction. I am not a prissy girly-girl. I don't want to be a dumb, helpless girl... but sometimes that's what I am and I hate it. I just wish my dad was here because he'd take care of me.

Some family pictures

2006-12-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

We went to Alyssa's ringuette game, and made these signs to support her (or embarass her, heehee). I told her that she had to get a goal for me, and that after she scored, she would have to point up at me in the stands to let me know it was for me. She did it! It made my day. Unfortunately I didn't get a good shot of her on the ice, or in uniform, but here she is below, with my sister.

Melanie and Alyssa after the game.

Me and my dad.

Melanie and our grandmother Doris (my dad's mom, we call her "Nan")

With my cousin Christy at one of many family gathering

My mom and dad

My aunt Marcia and my cousin Christy

With my cousins: Rebecca and Alyssa

With Melanie and Heather (us MacDonald girls)

The MacDonald kids: me, Melanie, Heather & Deven

Dusk

2006-12-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

It is dusk. My favorite part of the day. The sun is slowly setting over the horizon. That blazing ball of fire. Soon it will be dark. My friends have flown to all sorts of exotic places and brought back news about how beautiful it was where they went. They were so wrapped up in the beauty of other lands that they forget the beauty that surrounds us.
I sit on a hill next to my house and I can see the Bay of Fundy. Beside me is a tree. A leaf lets go of the branch that supports it and slowly falls to the ground. I pick it up and press it in my book.
The trees are all sorts of reds, oranges, browns and yellows, put together to make a beautiful collage. Leaves are everywhere, on the ground mostly, but a few are in the trees.
The great tree beside me must be a couple of hundred years old. Standing there, strong, tall and brave. I wonder what this tree has seen and heard?
A crow caws, a pesky animal, but its feathers are sleek and black and beautiful.
I look around me: everything so natural, so free.
This is my home.

By Jennifer MacDonald
Age:12

The Attic

2006-12-18T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm back in New Brunswick for Christmas. I've been completely lazy today, reading, chatting with my sister and sister-in-law, watching "the Quiet Man" with my parents. It's nice, but I'm going to have to be more active tomorrow!

Last night we had lots of laughs rehashing old memories as Dad and Deven went up into the attic and pulled out boxes of stuff stored for years. Among my things: a favourite stuffed animal Sammy, my Curious George, old school books, Valentines from second grade, report cards, awards, pictures. There were memories I'd forgotten: bringing my dog to the local dog show where she won "most talented" for the tricks that I'd taught her. My memory was stirred by a newspaper clipping of me (complete with over-large 1980's glasses and frizzy hair) with the greatest dog ever. I found my "student of the week" poster from the second grade and read meaningful descriptions of myself from my 7-year old classmates: "Jennifer doesn't bug her classmates. Jennifer doesn't make a mess when she eats." High praise indeed. :) I discovered that I was a prolific writer from a young age, starting with my first short story about "the Alien" (spelled "Aleyin"). It was fun laughing and reminiscing with my family... realizing that some things change, while others never do.

It's good to be home. I spend so much time laughing with my family. I'd love to share some of it with you, but it's the rare person who can withstand and even appreciate the odd MacDonald sense of humour.

Airports are full of lonely people

2006-12-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

I'm back from another trip. Orlando this time. No pictures though.

The idea of a jet-set life can seem glamorous and enviable. More often than not though, constant travel makes for a lonely life.

People have made envious statements about wishing they were able to travel like I do. I only travel a fraction of what others in our organization do, but I can say, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Yes, I enjoy it, and am glad to have these experiences. The places, and then of course the people I get to interact with in those places make it all worthwhile. I'm not apologizing for that. My point is, travel itself is more lonely than glamorous.

I love to spend time in airports people-watching. The observation that struck home once again this time, is that airports are full of lonely people. (The family of four headed to Disney may not fall in that category, but they've got their own unglamorous aspects of travel to deal with).

At the boarding gates, everyone sits in the same area, isolated from the people, places and positions that source their sense of self-worth. Business travellers become absorbed in their blackberries and palm pilots. Others observe the scurry of important-looking activity and pull out their own devices, showing everyone else that in the outside world, they are important!

At one point watching people go past my gate, I counted 1 in 5 talking on their cell phones as they walked. You might think this is understandable, since these people, travelling all over the world for work, are obviously important. Spend some time listening to one-sided conversations and you'll quickly realize that many of these calls aren't as important as the people making them want to feel. Unnecessary phone calls abound: triple-checking on something that's already been done or doesn't need to be done, touching base with long-forgotten people, and seeing how many numbers stored in their phone are still active.

Why am I people-watching instead of engaging in such thinly disguised lonely behaviour? Well I would like to say that I am above it, but I'm not. I've felt the pull to get out my palm pilot and sketch in urgent to-do items like "unpack suitcase when I get home", or to make an urgent call on my cell phone. The thing is, my palm pilot was left at home, and my pay-as-you-go cell phone ran out of minutes. So I was left alone to think and eavesdrop. :)

Having arrived in Orlando last week, I sat in my room and realized how lonely I was. I actually just felt something close to sadness at not having something or someone to miss. I felt alone, and anchorless, knowing no one at home was waiting to hear if I had arrived safely, or to hear highlights of my day of meetings. I've felt that before during international travel as well, that anchorless feeling.

Then I was reminded of God's constant and precious presence:

"O LORD, You have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my every thought when far away.
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You both precede and follow me.
You place Your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!

I can never escape from Your Spirit!
I can never get away from Your presence!
If I go up to heaven You are there;
if I go down to the place of the dead, You are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there Your hand will guide me,
and Your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night-
but even in darkness I cannot hide from You.
To You the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are both alike to You. (Ps 139:1-12, NLT)

I'm never alone. Worth is not assigned because of how important we look or feel. We hold worth because of the value God puts on us as His created and blood-bought children.

Thomas Merton quote- Christ in us

2006-12-05T17:03:00.000-05:00

I got the following from Kirk Bartha's blog. It is a quote from Thomas Merton:

The problem of forming Christ in us is not to be solved merely by our own efforts. It is not a matter of studying the Gospels and then working to put our ideas into practice, although we should try to do that too, but always under the guidance of grace, in complete subjection to the Holy Spirit.

For if we depend on our own ideas, our own judgment and our own efforts to reproduce the life of Christ, we will only act out some kind of pious charade which will ultimately scare everybody we meet because it will be so stiff and artificial and so dead.

It is the Spirit of God that must teach us Who Christ is and form Christ in us and transform us into other Christs. After all, transformation into Christ is not just an individual affair: there is only one Christ, not many. He is not divided. And for me to become Christ is to enter into the Life of the Whole Christ, the Mystical Body made up of the Head and the members, Christ and all who are incorporated in Him by His Spirit.
Thomas Merton – New Seeds of Contemplation

The bouquet toss analogy

2006-11-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

For the humiliating, but kind of fun tradition that is the bouquet toss, Melanie joked that she was going to throw the bouquet straight to me, and it ended up that she did, albeit accidentally. I saw it flying straight to me, and I put my hand up as if to catch it, but what I really ended up doing was knocking it away from me and over my shoulder onto the floor, where it was quickly snatched up by an eager 10 year old. I couldn't figure out myself if I had tried to catch it, or tried to knock it away, and neither could all of those who saw my arms flapping. We'll have to call in the instant replays from the photographer to clear up this one.
Thinking about how the catching of the bouquet is supposed to be good luck for single women to "catch a man" and be the next one married, it occurred to me that the whole debacle could be an analogy for how I am with relationships in general.

I mentioned it to a few other girls, and we found that the analogies worked for them too: one said that she just plain did not want to catch it, and would have consciously avoided it. She finds herself isolating herself from opportunities and relationships in general. We're not sure if it's just because it's not worth the effort, or if it's because she is afraid of trying to catch it, and missing it. Another girl said that she just didn't expect the bouquet would come her way, so made no efforts to catch it or miss it. I happen to know this girl is usually oblivious when guys show obvious interest in her.

We then thought about Melanie's little sister Hannah who didn't hesitate to snatch up the bouquet I had knocked to the floor. If our bouquet behaviours directly related to our relationship dysfunctions, what could we learn from the girl who caught the bouquet? Well she hardly understood what the tradition was about, but was unafraid and bold enough to take the chance and dive for something that may or may not be something she'd want. She's not jaded.

Enough overanalyzing... I just hope the whole bouquet toss tradition doesn't actually work, because it could be a long wait for me if 10-year old Hannah gets married before I do!

Speaking of analogies: I'm getting a bit worried about the implications on a piece of apparently time-tested wisdom after reading this on BBC.

Melanie & Ryan's wedding

2006-11-02T17:30:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was tiring, but in a good way. Almost everyone from our office drove the long trip for Melanie & Ryan's wedding in Wisconsin. It was my second time being a bridesmaid, and I was so glad to be a part of it. I've learned before how much I regret sharing some of those experiences with dear friends when I've been too busy and self-absorbed (that's another long story, for another time).

Here are some pictures and little bits from the time around the wedding.

Here we are working on the wedding favours in the hotel lobby. We had some good "girl time" in the few days before the wedding: doing this, getting our nails done, going out, a lot of laughing, and a bit of crying. :)

Melanie & Ryan bought flowers in quantity like this, and then her aunt arranged all the bouquets and centre-pieces.

Melanie was a beautiful bride. One thing that brought tears to my eyes multiple times during the day was just seeing how happy she was. We shared a lot of lonely single days together, and it was so great to celebrate this day with her.

Waiting for the wedding to start. The church was booked for another wedding right afterward, so this was one wedding that was on time!

Melanie and I

Melanie and Ryan

The whole party. I was thinking that being a bridesmaid on the wedding day is pretty easy... help take care of the bride, hair, make-up, dress, smile for pictures, walk the aisle at the right moments and try not to trip. I was a little afraid of messing up the last two, but luckily I had Leif (second from right) to follow for the timing, and his arm to hold, up and down the aisle, so I didn't.

The reception was a lot of fun too. They had a dance which was a lot of fun as almost everyone took to the dance floor. Most of us were disasters out there, but it didn't matter. I created a bit of a mess in the middle of an electric slide lesson when I was in the middle, holding the hands of Mel's 2 and 5 year-old nieces stepping the wrong way every time. But it was fun. :)

The day after the wedding was also my birthday (26!), and Jenn (maid of honour) and Amy and I went to a church in Milwaukee and then out for lunch with a friend, which was nice. After that, it was 10 long hours in the car, arriving into London in the early morning hours on Monday. Happy birthday to me. :) I didn't mind really, I just know now that Melanie & Ryan will never have any excuse to miss my birthday. :)

The trip home... thoughts on grief

2006-10-31T23:30:00.000-05:00

I spent just a few days in New Brunswick last week, and was thankful for the opportunity to be home for my grandmother's funeral. In some ways I don't think it has sunk in yet. The first few days after I found out were busy, so I kept myself and my thoughts occupied until I could be home with my family.

I found myself starting to dislike answering the question of whether or not I was close with my grandmother. What does close mean? Does it mean I called her every week, or had sleepovers all the time with her? In the end, she was my grandmother... a role no one can fill or replace. There is a richness, stability and rootedness in my life that she brought, and her loss will alwas be felt.

I'm tired of grief being something we are supposed to go through, to get over. You don't "get over" grief. The pain of it fades over time, it moves from a raw pain at the front of your consciousness to an ache that is just a part of who you are. I'm not "over" my grandfathers'deaths, I'm certainly not over my sister's death, and not over my grandmother's death. They were all people too important in my life to be forgotten through something as insignificant as the passing of time.

That's part of why I sometimes hope people don't ask me how many siblings I have. It's a personal thing, that I refuse to ever only name my living siblings. I have 2 living siblings, but I have 3 siblings. But when the question comes up, it often leads to an uncomfortable discussion, because people trying to make small talk don't want to hear about a death in the family. She just is, and always will be, too important to pretend she didn't exist, merely for the sake of keeping conversation light.

Ah grief. It's part of life... but that doesn't make it easier. God does do good things through it though. Emerging from ashes and dark valleys my eyes are opened to see beauty and love, and even hope.

Anyway, it was good to be with my big fat French family for a few days, and to be there for the funeral with them. Good time with family, even in the midst of sad times is always a blessing. Below is a picture with Deven & Heather and Melanie.

“It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock, and but gropingly gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their full import is mercifully wanting. The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss—that is all. It will take mind and memory months, and possibly years, to gather together the details, and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss." Mark Twain

Salsa Party

2006-10-31T23:00:00.000-05:00

Andrea, Amy and I converged for one brief day last week. The three of us haven't been in the house together since early September. We gathered together on the 21st, and threw a party. :) Then the next day I flew to NB for a few days, and by the time I got back she had already left for AB for a week and a half. She'll be back a few days before Amy leaves again, and then we'll have a few days before I leave again. :) Three very independent single women don't make for a very stable home environment. :) It's a good thing we all get along on the rare times we are together. #26 & #27 are pretty great, when I do see them.

Here's a summary of our Salsa Party:
We had an open house throughout the afternoon, and we had several waves of guests. Overall I think we estimated we had about 25-30 people come.

I got a pinata and filled it with candy... and then forgot to bust it. Now I'm trying to reach in and get all the candy out and it doesn't work as well.

I was amazed at how many people participated by making salsa: we had 16 contributions!

Everyone had to vote for salsa entries in three categories:

Best Tasting
winner: Amy Styles, with Magical Mango Salsa

Most Original
winner: Edward Yan, with a watermelon concoction

Hottest
winner: Jonathan Zubick with a mouth-burning contribution

I came in second for most original with a blueberry-grapefruit salsa recipe that I found on the internet. It was orginal alright... but it didn't taste very good. I'm secure enough to admit that. :) All in all it was a fun day, and it got my mind off other things.

Sad day

2006-10-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

I got one of those phone calls this morning.
Early this morning my mom called to tell me that my grandmother died in the night. The funeral is on Monday, and so I just booked my tickets to New Brunswick Sunday-Tuesday.
I am going to miss my Memere, Florence Landry, my mom's mom.

Summing up Mt. Baker/Vancouver trip

2006-10-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

Since moving in together in the beginning of September, Andrea, Amy and I have all been home together for about one week. Amy and I are home now from our travels (for now), but we're waiting for Andrea to return to us from Mexico. We'll be reunited on Friday, just in time for our salsa party on Saturday.

For now, here is a bit of a summary of my trip out West:
I traveled for an orientation with Pioneers, in which we had 10 people applying or looking at going with us overseas. It was a great group, and so neat to get to know them a bit and hear about how God is leading and working in their lives.

Washington State (Seattle and Mt. Baker)

Three of us met up in Seattle and spent the afternoon looking around the city while we waited for our fourth to arrive. We went to the Pike Place Market which was quite interesting, except that I didn't get to see anyone throwing fish, much to my disappointment.

Lots of seafood though. We enjoyed some nice fish and chips, and later on some Starbucks.The orientation was held in a chalet partway up Mt. Baker. Beautiful surroundings. I didn't even realize beforehand what it was going to be like. It was great, and the most inexpensive option to run an offsite orientation. The rental car was in my name, so I had the responsibility of driving the whole time. I enjoyed it, Washington is such a beautiful state... I just think I scared some of my co-workers with my driving. :) One of them, after some hair-pin turns on the side of the mountain going up casually said, "you know, this really is the kind of place where you need to stick to the recommended speed limit". I wonder how long it took him to think up such a gracious way of asking me to slow down. :) It didn't feel that fast to me, but maybe his life was flashing before his eyes and he was worrying he would never see his wife and kids again. I'm guessing that next time the rental car won't be in my name. :) I took several walks around the chalet and lake. It was so beautiful.Mountains... so beautiful. Something indescribably incredible about them.A rear shot of the chalet during one of my solo walks. This was right before I got kind of lost. I basically knew where the chalet was, but I lost the path. So I tried to cut through in a place that seemed to make sense, but didn't really. I was laughing at myself as I fumbled through the thick and wet brush that was over my head, falling and tripping over the uneven ground, getting caught in the brush and getting completely and utterly soaked as the light faded and I barely found my way back. It was kind of fun, and would have been hilarious for any of the others in the chalet to watch from the upper windows. I found my way back, and into the chalet, dripping water and squishing my shoes, to find them all engrossed in a movie, oblivious to my absence.

VancouverI spent a day in Vancouver after the orienation, just for fun. I got to show a friend from Texas around a bit, her first time in Canada. As I've said before... I love this city-province-part of the world. Someone remind me what I am doing in mountain-less, ocean-less Ontario?

Me with an Inukshuk. I love those things. "Now the people will know we were here" How many of you remember that?

No good excuses- breaking the silence

2006-10-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

Well I've fallen even further behind in my blogging. As long as I nurse my guilty conscience and try to make excuses, the lack of posting continues. So... no excuses (no good ones anyway) and back to posting. :)

Tozer quote

2006-10-03T13:15:00.000-04:00

I can do no more justice to the awesome wonder-filled theme called love than a child can grasp a star. Still by reaching toward the star the child may call attention to it and even indicate the direction one might look to see it. So, as I stretch my heart toward the high, shining love of God, someone who has not before known about it may be encouraged to look up and have hope."

-From Knowledge of the Hol y by AW Tozer

Living up to expectations :)

2006-09-26T23:51:00.000-04:00

I've received some criticism for my recent lack of blogging. So instead of burying myself in the shame of knowing I've failed expectations, I thought I would post tonight, so I can sleep with a clean conscience.

Well I have started an as yet unnamed 3 part series... but I'm not sure I'll publish it. We'll see. For now, I'll tell you about my day.

My sister is visiting from NB for a few days and of course that is fun. She always keeps life interesting.

I started my belly dancing class tonight, and I love it! I know I am going to have so much fun. I was better than I expected, but my expectations were low, so that wasn't hard. I learned a few moves: shimmies, hip circles, figure-eights. At the end of the 8 week class we'll have learned the full choreography for a dance, along with all the necessary moves. I am genuinely excited, it's going to be so much fun.***

Then I went to wing night, at Bernie's on Adelaide. A decent place, and some decent flavours and hotness... but there weren't consistent gradations of hotness. (And yes, gradations is a word... a fact which was contested tonight) I still need to tally the score, but I think it will be about mid-range.

Maybe tomorrow I will post about my trip. Until then, this will have to do! :)

*** Note: Please do not ask for a demonstration... probably not going to happen. :)

Back

2006-09-25T10:35:00.000-04:00

I'm back! More to follow... pictures and stories. For now I need to dig myself out of the avalanche of backed up emails I've found myself in.

Introducing #27

2006-09-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

Meet my new roommate Andrea (#27). Here she is Saturday morning after reading my pathetic blog entry on Friday night and feeling sorry for me. She made me yummy berry pancakes and bacon, and we sat and talked for a while, which was nice. I met Andrea over two years ago, she was one of the first people I met outside of work here in London. We've typically stayed in touch every few months, going for coffee, or out for supper, etc since then.

I'm really thankful for the way that it worked out for Amy (#26) and I to move in with Andrea. The timing worked out unexpectedly and perfectly for us. The only sad thing is that we are hardly going to see each other this fall. Andrea is in California this week, and is back for two days before I fly to Seattle and Vancouver for a week, and then when I finish that trip, Amy will have just left for Alberta for two weeks!

When our travel settles down, I look forward to lots of good roommate times together.

Bored!

2006-09-08T20:17:00.000-04:00

I am so bored.

I guess it's kind of an embarassing admission to make on a Friday night. Why am I home, alone, with nothing to do? A perfectly reasonable question, which probably has a perfectly good answer. I guess I'd say, that my roommates are out/away, this friend is away, that friend has this thing, etc. I don't know. I just know that I'm bored and lonely and it's Friday night and that's kind of depressing.

It seems like kind of a new low to resort to blogging out of boredom; usually I blog because there is something I can't wait to write about. I'm afraid this post may turn out to be as boring as my evening plans. :)

I could tell you about what's new with me... yes, let's do that.

Well, I moved. Phew! It's tiring, and I didn't even own any furniture to move. My stuff just kept multiplying though. I can't complain though because I did have a lot of help. I've been busy settling in and getting my newroom set up. I think it's looking pretty good now.

Amy (#26) and I moved in with Andrea, who owns this house. That makes Andrea #27. I'll post a picture with her soon. Andrea is a super girl that I've known for several years, and I am thrilled that it worked out for us to move in with her. She also happens to read this blog... hi Andrea! I hope you come home soon so I have someone to talk to tonight!

Um, what else... well I've been busy getting ready for the Asian Fellowship to start (I work with the kids), and with a committee through NP. With work, things are crazy as we prepare for another board meeting, the next day after which I will fly to Seattle for a week of orientation there, and a few days in Vancouver. Of course there is Wing night as well, always fun, and lots of good new friends (where are they all now! :) ) And then this week we're hosting a shower for Melanie...

Mmm wings. I think I am getting addicted, or else I am all the way addicted. Maybe I'll just go out for wings by myself. Is that bad? Kind of pathetic possibly, don't tell anyone!

Experience-junkie

2006-08-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

The Spectrum (catalogue of local classes offered) came recently and I have a long list of classes I want to sign up for. If I had unlimited funds, and the time to do it all I'd sign up for at least these ones:

Introductory Massage
Landscape Design (Beginners)
French
Digital Photography
Rock Climbing
Middle Eastern Dancing
Breads of India
Pottery

Then there's the list of cooking classes offered by the local Superstore.

I was a little concerned when I looked at my eclectic list of potential interests, and recent interests (cake decorating, running, working out, scrapbooking, card-making). The list really goes on and on. Some become part of my life, and some don't beyond the initiation. I wondered if I am just flakey.

I think I've figured it out though. I want to try almost everything. I'm not looking to be an expert at every thing I try, but I enjoy each new experience of trying something I've never done before. I'm a bit of an experience-junkie (a term I coined that my sister makes fun of).

Another thing that has concerned me lately is the dilemma I find myself in:

As I was growing up, I was instilled with a solid belief that I could do anything. I've always been confident that I could do whatever I set my mind on, and have therefore made my life choices so far not based on what I had to do, or could only do, but on what I wanted to do.

Now, I'm 25, still pretty young, but thinking about all the things I want to do with my life, and realizing that it will be impossible to do them all. By making choices to include some things, I necessarily exclude other things.

The thing right now I guess, is to take advantage of the time and freedom I have right now. I don't want to wake up in 50 years and realize that I haven't much time left to tackle my "List of things to do before I die." I'd better order my life in such a way that I am taking advantage of the opportunities and time I have now.

What's that Latin phrase that's quoted way too often... oh right... carpe diem! :) This fall it's Middle Eastern dancing, sewing, drumming and maybe a bit more cake decorating.

1 year of blogging- 100th post

2006-08-23T14:09:00.000-04:00

This is my 100th post. I've now been blogging for a little over a year. I think I may keep this up after all. :)

Blogs are interesting things. I've got a list of blogs that I read fairly regularly, and I like the way blogs let me follow along with someone's life even if we don't get to see each other often. Even for those I do see often, it's interesting to see the experiences/thoughts/pictures that they do choose to share, because inevitably I see a different side of them.

I recently looked over the last year's posts, all 99, and thought it was interesting that so much of my life and experience from the past year has been captured on here. At the same time though, I realize how limited something like this is. There's so much more to me than 99 blogs posts. It just made me stop and reflect on how complicated people are. Me, and everyone else.

It just makes life more fun, to be able to recognize and enjoy the endless mystery of each person around me.

Wing night

2006-08-17T15:32:00.000-04:00

Tiger Jack's, Wednesday Aug 17th. 21 people (+2 kids). Our biggest turnout yet. It was nice to meet some new people, and some others from the blogosphere. I'll post the score soon.

The Wing Project

2006-08-16T10:04:00.000-04:00

You may remember the debacle of the "pilates and wings" experience a few months back. The pilates didn't work out so well, but Amy and I united in our love for good chicken wings. We started wondering where the best places are for wings in London, and out of that experience came the Wing Project.
We've gathered a core group around us and started trying out a different wing place in the city each week. We record our opinions, judging various flavours, size, texture, as well as presentation, service, and atmosphere of the place itself. We've been to 7 places and will be visiting the 8th tonight.
Here is an open invitation to any Londoners, to join us at Tiger Jack's on Wharncliffe, at 9 pm.

Some of the group at Killaly Bar & Grill

Vicky & Christian's wedding

2006-08-06T19:36:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive... in case you were wondering. Here are some snapshots from the the gap in my blogging:

NEW FRIENDS
I met Vicky at the beginning of July at one of our wing nights, and we hung out almost every day before she moved to Winnipeg this week. Here are pictures from her July 29th wedding:

The beautiful bride before the wedding

Me with one of the flower-girls, Gracie. I had the job of telling the flower-girls when to go down the aisle, and closing and opening the door for Vicky to go down when the second violin started playing. Vicky and I were poised just outside with our ears to the door whispering to each other, "Is that the second violin??" When we figured out that I'd missed the cue, I swung the door open a little too quickly, slamming it loudly against the wall. :)

The ceremony.With the beautiful bride after the ceremony.
(I miss you Vicky!)

MUSKOKA RETREAT
Our yearly team retreat at Muskoka. This is my third year in a row. See last year's post.

Deep in thought of course.Discussing major life issues with Eilleen and Melanie on the dock :)Mini-golf at Santa's Village on a team evening.

Confessions of an optimistic melancholic

2006-07-26T13:49:00.000-04:00

I worry sometimes about the nature of my posts, and how it must seem that there is always "something". I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a melancholic person, and that the darkness will never be far away. The twist though is that I'm what you might call an optimisitic melancholic; as a child of God, the darkness may be close by, but my eyes are being opened to see how the love of God is present in and transforms even the darkest place.

I laugh at myself sometimes because of how I seem to make everything more complicated than it needs to be, or at least more complicated than it seems to be for others. I guess I just like to dig, and explore, and I have endless questions to ask. Most often I come back to the simple answers, with a new understanding that what at first seemed trite has a depth and richness that I can barely fathom.

This morning I was exploring the stirrings of something that has been scarce lately. "What is that feeling? I know that one..." It's joy. Instead of trying not to look at my fears and anxieties, my eyes are looking to Jesus. Looking at Him, the joy returns, I rest in His peace, and suddenly I can enjoy today's blessings that were simply the source of anxiety when I looked directly at them.

Echo

2006-07-19T09:46:00.000-04:00

Some days I would like to just echo what I've written in another post.

Aarrghh!

A Weaned Child

2006-07-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

I was looking through archives of a newsletter we send out to our members, and found an article Donnie wrote a while back. He quoted Psalm 131:

"My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

Good words for me to remember in this "control" issue.

"A child who is not weaned grapples for their mother's breast, almost fighting to ensure they get the desired food. A weaned child is simply satisfied with their mother's presence. This, says David, is normative for those of us who humble ourselves before God. We find rest for our souls and joy simply being in His presence."

I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me...

Letting go. :)

Control

2006-07-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

I usually think of myself as being pretty easy-going, but I'm starting to recognize how selective I am about it. I'm easy-going about things that don't involve personal or emotional risk: I don't care if my roommate didn't unload the dishwasher, or get stressed about plans I make with friends. It's easy to see that people are more important than always having my way in those details.

BUT, when I'm insecure, I am a control freak. Over and over again through the past years God has pushed me to recklessly trust in Him. The only problem is that when I do that in a fallen world, I often get hurt. We all do. Sometimes I have the perspective that the heights are worth the depths, but then at other times it feels like the depths are all I see, and I lose sight of Him.

At times like that I find myself so ridiculously cautious. I try to build a perfectly safe place for myself, and put up safeguards to keep out people who could hurt me. And then I find myself lonely in that carefully contructed existence because ultimately no one is safe. I'm frustrated when I realize that I'm not a safe person, and find myself inadvertently hurting others.

I analyze and over-analyze and look for formulas to show me the right way of doing things and in the end it always makes less sense than before.

So, I might as well give up trying to figure out all the answers, and just be. I might as well just live and love and give recklessly, knowing that I will get hurt sometimes... but that if I don't risk, I'll miss all the good things too. I may as well give up trying to do it all right because:

a.) I mess it up all the time as it is, and
b.) God creates ex nihilo (from nothing) and my screw-ups don't ruin His plans anyway

This isn't exactly rocket science, and I've learned it all before, but here I am again having to lay down my safeguards and controls. It's frightening, but also a relief, to once again, give up control, or at least the illusion of it. I never had it in the first place.

Why dreams must die

2006-07-07T13:49:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share a good article I read on the BBC world news site. It's what I think is a pretty balanced treatment of a polarizing subject.

You can read it here.

I'd write more, because like many, I feel very strongly about this subject, but in the end, all I want to point out is that on both sides of this hotly debated issue are real people. On both sides are brothers and sisters in Christ, as well as many who don't know Him. All, loved by God.

If we as the church would recognize that, we would see the only hope for peace in the Middle East is found in Christ; through us, He offers His love, grace, and reconciliation to hurting people.

A great visit

2006-07-06T10:13:00.000-04:00

My parents left this morning. They'd been visiting since Saturday, and I have to say, it's been a great week. I have great parents. It was fun showing them around London, and introducing them to new people and new experiences. I kept them pretty busy. I made them try Middle Eastern food (Falafel, Shawarma, Hummus), Bubble tea, and Indian food (Butter chicken, Chicken Tikka, Beef Curry, Onion Bhajis, Nan bread, Mango Lassis, etc). We went on a double-decker bus tour of London (yes, they have those here :) ) and they joined in on wing night, weighing in with their opinions in the weekly judging. Dad got to fit in a round of golf, and came with me to the gym to work out. They enjoyed meeting the great friends and co-workers that I have, and it reminded me of how blessed I am to have such great people around me. It was a full week, and I enjoyed it.

Oh yeah, and happy anniversary mom & dad! 27 years!

Following up- (Faithless and Fickle)

2006-06-30T15:36:00.001-04:00

I haven't followed up on my Faithless and Fickle post- about the discouragement I'd been feeling, resulting from lingering bitterness and not feeling close to God.

I did have some good reflective time in NB, and some quality time spent with Him that reminded me of how much more precious intimacy with Him is, than anything else. I wish I could say that I am currently enjoying at least the same intimacy with Him that I had come to enjoy before my bitter season. I was a bit frustrated, but now it seems fitting that I be, right now, exactly where I am.

In reading Jeremiah 29, it occurred to me that we women reflect the character of God a bit in this way: God deeply desires intimacy with us, and that intimacy is not something so cheap as to be dished out whenever a fickle child like me capriciously demands it. It is given in smaller doses, drawing us on, drawing us deeper. As we respond, and declare His value by pursuing Him with our whole heart... He delights in giving Himself to us. I think that is a part of why He created women with the need to be pursued, so that there would an earthly picture of His desire to be pursued by us, and of course, what He has done to pursue us.

So I continue fumbling down the sometimes painful, but always worthwhile journey of pursuing Him, even as I learn to recognize His relentless pursuit of me.

I say such stupid things

2006-06-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

This morning I had to make a phone call to a local business, and the woman who answered the phone, fumbled over the words she must say dozens of times a day. She fumbled and stuttered the name of the company literally about five times. We had a laugh, but I could tell she was embarassed.

There aren't long stretches of time between the situations where I literally hit myself on the forhead, or shake my head in utter amazement at the stupid things that come out of my mouth. I try to be funny, and I end up sounding like I'm criticizing. I try to be smart, and I sound like a moron. :) It seems to happen so often, and I always feel annoyed with myself for doing it, again.

I taught a session this morning to the short-termers who are in an orientation here this week. It was about Truth & Lies: the lies we struggle with, and the truth about who we are in Christ. It made me think about this whole "saying stupid things" issue.

When I beat myself up about saying something stupid, it's because I'm mad at myself for not being perfect. When I'm mad at myself for not being perfect, it's because I'm believing the lie that I am supposed to be perfect. I'm believing that if I am not perfect, others will reject me. Underlying that is the belief that what others think of me defines who I am as a person.

So, what is the truth? Well, the truth is, I do say stupid things more often than I'd like to. Also true, is the fact that I am far from perfect. BUT I don't need to be perfect, and I don't even need to be liked by everyone (though it would be nice :) ). I am loved and accepted by God, just the way I am. And in the end, the people through whom God loves me the most obviously, are not the ones who have seen me just at my most Spirit-filled and lead moments. They are the ones who have seen the most ridiculous sides of me, and even borne the brunt of my annoyingness, crabbiness, and ... um, forceful personality.

Deven & Heather's wedding

2006-06-19T15:10:00.000-04:00

Well the vacation is over now, and I'm finally posting the pictures from the wedding. Like I said before, it was a beautiful day. With the cake, MC-ing the reception, and spending half the day behind the camera, the day passed quickly, but I enjoyed it. Here are my pictures:

Deven with mom before the wedding.

Our cousin Joshua, a junior groomsman

My dad, proud father of the groom

Deven had the idea of putting chapstick on the ring so it wouldn't get stuck on Heather's knuckle during the srevice... I just hope it hasn't fallen off.

Deven, serious and just managing to keep it all in while waiting for Heather, who was a wee bit late for the ceremony. Our grandmother (MacDonald), sitting next to me, kept whispering loudly to Deven, "She's not coming!" I'm sure he appreciated the humour...

Exchanging their vows

The beautiful bride, all smiles

Husband and wife

They surprised Heather's parents and relatives (who had travelled from Scotland to be at the wedding) with a bagpiper who played as they left the church

Our cousin Christy, the flower girl

Both of our families: MacRailds and MacDonalds

Sometimes they forget that there are other people in the universe... hehe... but I guess that is ok (normal?) for newlyweds :)

At the reception, listening to my parents' speeches. The MC-ing went well, except when I introduced Heather's dad as the father of the groom. Oops... I should know!

At the end of a long a good day, me with my little brother Deven- I'm proud of him, and happy for him. It makes me happy to see him so happy, and to know how much he loves this woman he now calls his wife. And I'm so glad to welcome Heather into our family.

The cake

2006-06-13T18:21:00.000-04:00

The wedding is over now, and Deven and Heather are off on their honeymoon. I have a number of pictures to post, but I'll leave you for now with just a picture of the cake. It was pretty simple, like I anticipated, but I got a lot of compliments on it. I didn't let them go to my head though, since I'm pretty sure the general amazement was directly related to the low expectations most people had. :)
So here it is: first, the plain cake, then dressed up a bit, with my handsome brother and his beautiful bride.

(p.s- it was a beautiful wedding, but I'll post more on that later. For now, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation)

Faithless and fickle

2006-06-09T00:12:00.000-04:00

(Blogger was down for maintenance last night, so I'm posting a bit late)
I'm in New Brunswick. It is so nice to be able to enjoy family again. Right now I'm sitting up later than I should, enjoying the company of my dad as I write, while he works on his cryptogram puzzles. It's been a busy few days since I arrived early yesterday morning, after a sleepless night of travel (2 am Robert Q shuttle bus, 5 am check-in for 6:30 am flight).

I'm glad for this time away because I need it. You may have noticed the lack of significant depth in most of my posts lately. Partly, it's because I've kept myself so busy, but mostly because I've not been hearing anything from God. I've let bitterness get in the way of intimacy with Him. I think part of the reason I've kept myself so busy in the first place is to avoid feeling the discouragement that has followed the bitterness I've allowed to take root. If you want to know the honest truth, I've been angry with God (though denying it to myself), and avoiding Him.

But I miss Him. And I realize that I don't have much to share on here, other than work, or pictures, because when I'm avoiding Him, I can't connect with you. I've been pretty discouraged lately, to be honest, and I think that I simply can't purely enjoy anything, if I'm not enjoying Him. When I'm not acknowledging Him, all of my other interactions warp, as I seek my own gain rather than others'.

The other night, Amy (#26) and I went for a night walk, and sat by the river for a while in silence, enjoying the soothing sounds of the water passing by, and the silver reflections of the moon on the ripples. In that short quiet and reflective time, God reminded me that I have a life full of good things. I'm frustrated by my inability to enjoy them, but He's shown me that I'll miss out on all of those blessings if I am not enjoying Him.

I'm thankful for these days with my family, and for the time and space to turn my eyes back to the beautiful sight of my Abba Father. I'm so faithless, and so fickle, but He always offers grace and love.

Ok, now I need to go to bed.

Melanie & Ryan

2006-06-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say congratulations to my good friend Melanie Froese on her engagement to Ryan Johnson.

Mel and I have been through a lot together over the past few years: travelling together to the Middle East and Thailand, long road trips, ethnic food and foreign movies, momentous prayer times, being co-workers, being roommates, working and growing through conflicts (oh, the ugly sides of me she has seen!) :) lots of laughter, and some tears... but the best has just been journeying alongside her as we go deeper into God, digging into what He's teaching and doing in and through us. I've seen God evidently at work in her life, transforming her more and more into a woman of grace, faith and the love of God.

I look forward to more memories, and to getting to know the new brother I am getting in Ryan.

Addition to the cake portfolio

2006-05-31T16:16:00.000-04:00

Courtney asked me to make a cake for a baby shower. I made it last night after my Christian Horizons shift. I'm happy with it.

As I write, I'm sampling a bit of the extra cake. I experimented with a new recipe, and it has turned out quite well, so I'm putting that aside for Deven & Heather's.

I've got pretty much everything that I'll need together for their cake, and I'm excited, and just a bit nervous. :)

Work=Life=Problems

2006-05-31T10:40:00.000-04:00

Lately when people ask me "what's new?" all I have to share are things work-related. Life has mostly been consumed with work lately. Here are a few highlights:

It took a bit of effort to get caught up after the travels to Thailand and BC, but I'm starting to feel like I've got a handle on things again.
PIONEERS Canada Board meeting over the weekend. The first one I've attended, so I took copious notes... throwing most of them away after producing a few pages of minutes. It was actually more interesting than I expected. Despite the fact that it rained during our bbq with them on Friday night, and was beautiful and sunny while we were stuck indoors all day on Saturday, I enjoyed it all. I even got to have breakfast with Dr. Frizen before the meeting, and enjoyed hearing some of his story, and the decades of history he has experienced in mission.
A handful of shifts at Christian Horizons have been filling my free time
I am about to tackle a major overhaul of our website. It's going to look like a real mess for a few days, but the end result will hopefully be a good improvement. (Click to see mess :) )

All for now. I've got to tackle that website.

(missing from board picture: Dr. David Barker)

Back from Pittsburgh

2006-05-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

For the long weekend, I went across the border, and down to Pittsburgh with some of my friends from London. Some of my coworkers were teasing me about going to "Pittsburgh" of all places. I didn't see a lot of the city, but I liked what I did see. We spent most of our time shopping. I bought a LOT more than I intended, and I am still working on rationalizing and justifying all of it. :)

I stayed in the little town of McDonald, Pennsylvania. What a nice name for a town. If only it had that "a" :)

Our group and our host and family at the Olive Garden.

Our group doing a bit of sightseeing in Pittsburgh. I love how I apparently have the plague in this picture. :)

Me with Irene. I feel like I still don't know many people in London, and I have to say that I am so thankful for Irene's friendship. She and Wayne have me over for supper all the time, and have been such encouragements in what otherwise would have been much more lonely years. She's also my artistic friend whose creative touch on things always inspires me to new ideas.
Pittsburgh skyline
Irene and Christian

Eating a massive roast beef sandwich at Primanti Brothers... yes, those are french fries in the sandwich. I had it without coleslaw (yuck!!) and it was pretty good

Pictures from Vancouver

2006-05-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

I spent a few days with friends and PI members in Vancouver on my way back from Thailand. It was my first time in British Columbia... and now I am wondering why I live in Ontario? :)

A view from Burnaby

Beautiful mountain views. It seemed like there were always mountains in sight, even in the city they could be seen peeking through, between buildings.

In Stanley Park

Deep Cove

Marie showed me around

An Inukshuk in English Bay ("Now the people will know we were here...":)) The symbol/logo for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

A record of my first time in the Pacific ocean off the Canadian coast. I miss the ocean so much when I am in Ontario. I've been trying to convince Donnie we need to relocate the PIONEERS office in Vancouver. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Pictures from Thailand

2006-05-10T13:43:00.000-04:00

It was nice to have travelling companions for once. It made for stimulating conversation during long hours waiting for connecting flights.... ok, we just tried to sleep mostly, and took turns keeping an eye on the bags. Above is Mel in Chicago, and Scott in Tokyo. As for me... well I'm the one with the camera :)
We had an overnight layover in Bangkok, and we took the opportunity to try out "the Atlanta"- a budget hotel with personality (Mel and I paid $20 total for our room for the night)
The foyer of the Atlanta, apparently unchanged since the 1950s. It really is quite a cool place.
We flew to Chiang Mai the next day, a city in Northern Thailand. I don't have many good pictures of Chiang Mai, as most of the time was spent in meetings and etc at the conference. Here is one of a busy night market.

A local Thai woman
A Chiang Mai McDonald's

We took this picture to show Donnie how hard we were working :)

Meeting some great people from Australian mobilization

One of many meetings, an informal one with some other mobilizers from NZ, Australia and the US.

Melanie and I at the closing banquet

With Dr. Frizen, one of our board members who attended the conference. He has over 60 years of experience in missions, and was one of my favorite people there.A Sunday lunch with some more great Aussies. Time spent with them helped rekindle my passion for mobilization.

On Saturday night and Sunday I spent some time with Beth, who is living in Thailand, sent out from my home church in London. I appreciated the time spent with her, she is a fantastic girl. You can visit her blog here.

not-exactly-earth-shattering (but a big deal to me)

2006-05-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back home now. I arrived at my home finally early this morning. I had lots of time to think on the planes, in airports, and in Bangkok during my day there on my own. It was good, because there was a lot to think about and process. I wanted to share some of it.

More musings on love: I've been wrestling with this- what is appropriate, and what's not appropriate?

After a lot of wrestling with it- things I've been taught over the years, weighed with what I think God is telling me- I've come to the not-exactly-earth-shattering conclusion that I am ALWAYS one hundred percent free to love.

My own selfishness and weakness scare me, and I rightly know that I cannot trust my own self-serving motivations, or toxic version of love. But God's love in me I can always trust. I am always free to offer God's love, because God's love in me sincerely desires His best for each person. My own love would easily wound another as it seeks its own ends and gratification, but God's love in me will seek purely, for another's best. There is a precious, if sometimes temporarily bittersweet, joy, in laying down what I want, to embrace the choice to freely offer the pure and unconditional love of God to others.

On the last leg of my journey home late last night (and early this morning), as these conclusions were crystallizing, I thought about what I want to accomplish in this life, and I once again concluded that my desire is to leave a legacy of love. I want people to someday say that more than anything, the love of God flowed through me to them, in nourishing, empowering, and healing ways. I want my life to be an expression of the love of God.

I feel a bit silly saying this in such a public place, because I am all too aware of how open and vulnerable it leaves me to all of you, who know me, and know just how far my life and relationships fall from such a lofty goal.

There was one point at the conference where we were praying for each other in small groups, and I shared this desire, at the same time feeling silly and inadequate, knowing how I fall short. Their prayer for me affected me deeply, as they asked God to show me that the vision that He has given me, is one that He will bring to pass. They prayed that I would trust the desires that He places on my heart, as from Him.

So, I guess I share this all now, not thinking that I have it all figured out, and that you'd better all learn from me. :) I'm humbled to know how much more clearly you than I can see how much I fall short. But I do share with joy for the freedom I have to love, confidence that He will be faithful to complete the work He has begun in me, and excitement, to see how the road ahead unfolds.

Slice of heaven

2006-04-28T22:51:00.000-04:00

The conference is over now. I've just had the most phenomenal week.

In the past few days, I have worshipped with people from every continent, shared tearful prayers with a Solomon Islander brother in Christ, in response to a profound devotional by a Brazilian leader. I have participated in the laying on of hands and prayer over African brothers and sisters, while they listened to a French translation over headsets. I have sat around until 1:30am discussing what "community" really means, and finding it, with dear brothers and sisters from Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. I've been convicted by the admonition and teaching of a Ghanaian leader. I have been moved by the testimony of a Chinese brother, and the prayers of an Arab fellow believer.

We have all been moved by the slice of heaven we have experienced here in the joyful fellowship of a multicoloured and diverse gathering of children of God. What profound power the gospel has to cross boundaries.

I've stumbled along clumsily in French in a few conversations with friends from Africa, and have so appreciated finding the joy of fellowship in what we have in common which is so much bigger than what separates us, even though we barely understand together.

I keep wishing people at home could have the opportunity to experience this slice of heaven. I'd like to see more of this even in Canada. I have some ideas... but more prayer and time is needed for now.

Smooth as Silk

2006-04-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

The title is from a box of food we got on the Thai Air portion of our trip here. The cover was this mix of colours, with Smooth as Silk written on it. We laughed, it was just so extra appetizing with that intro. It was fish sticks, salad and "salad cream." I have been taking pictures of funny signs that I have seen because afterwards I always wish that I had. I'll share those when I can download my pictures back home on my computer.

So, I've arrived safely in Thailand, and have been enjoying the conference here for the past 4 days. I wish I had room and time to share all of the experiences I've been having here. One of the things that I have been thinking about, and desiring to share is the experience of the ethnic diversity of the church. I started thinking about it when I was in Chicago for our layover there, and I was so tired but there was a group of people in the rows of seats behind me who were making so much noise, it was a bit annoying. They were just talking and laughing, very relaxed, and not doing anything wrong- I was just grumpy.

I turned and looked back and saw a group of Americans from a broad spectrum of racial backgrounds, ages and both genders. It was interesting to watch them, and it struck me, "I bet these people are Christians." I began to think of how that kind of ethnic diversity and harmony is not an extremely common sight, and it seemed a logical conclusion to me to think they are believers. Sure enough, I soon heard them talk about Jesus.

I've been thinking a lot about that this week as well, as I can't get away from it. The church and even the membership of PIis getting pretty diverse, and there is such a consensus of joy as we experience it. Just a snapshot: our worship team contains believers from UK, Madagascar, NZ, Solomon Islands, Ghana, US and Kyrgyzstan. This morning we were enormously blessed as a large group of our African brothers and sisters lead worship for us (you may assume it was a little more lively :) )

Yesterday, a brother from the Solomon Islands shared about what is going on there right now, in riots and demonstrations and the Chinese population being targeted in Honiara. (See part of story). We prayed for him, and other leaders and as he left the platform, I was struck by the powerful image of seeing a Chinese brother step up and offer a tearful embrace.

I just think the harmony of people from many nations is a testimony to the glory of God, and to the truth and power of the gospel to break down divisive walls and bring healing.

Off I go

2006-04-20T02:30:00.000-04:00

I was thinking... did I mention that I am going to Thailand again?

Well I am. I am packed and will be leaving in about ten minutes to go to the Robert Q shuttle pick up spot. There I will meet up with Scott and Melanie, and together the three of us will fly Toronto-Chicago-Tokyo-Bangkok. We'll have an overnight in Bangkok, then fly on to Chiang Mai. In Chiang Mai we'll be attending a conference, and then I'll spend a few days visiting with friends from North Park who live in Thailand. On the return flight I'll be spending a few days in Vancouver.

I'm looking forward to sleeping on the plane. Sleep sounds good right now. :)

I'm sure I'll post more later, but for the next few days I will be in the air or in airports sleeping, reading and working on Sudoku puzzles. Till then...

Cake creation #3

2006-04-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

Ta-da! My latest cake creation. It's so funny at every cake class I feel a bit frustrated because everyone else is ahead of me, and doing so well. Then I take my cake home and realize it's not as bad as I thought.
So, this is my first fondant cake. Working with fondant is like playing with play-do. It's kind of fun, and actually not that hard.

(So mom- this is for you, see, I'm not as bad as you think. have some faith in me! :) )

Always Come Back to the Solid Place

2006-04-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

More from Henri Nouwen. The quote below is from the book "The Inner Voice of Love" which was basically his personal journal during the darkest time of his life. Many of his most beloved works were written out of what he learned, and what God did, through that time. This quote sums up how I've felt lately, in many ways.

Always Come Back to the Solid Place
You must believe in the yes that comes back when you ask, "Do you love me?" You must choose this yes even when you do not experience it.
You feel overwhelmed by distractions, fantasies, the disturbing desire to throw yourself into the world of pleasure. But you know already that you will not find there an answer to your deepest question. Nor does the answer lie in rehashing old events, or in guilt or shame. All of that makes you dissipate yourself and leave the rock on which your house is built.
You have to trust the place that is solid, the place where you can say yes to God's love even when you do not feel it. Right now you feel nothing except emptiness and the lack of strength to choose. But keep saying, "God loves me, and God's love is enough." You have to choose the solid place over and over again, and return to it after every failure.

I've felt so discouraged over the past few weeks. I felt so far from God, even though I knew He was as close as ever. I couldn't figure it out, but can't say I really tried. It was much easier to keep busy, and bury myself in distractions. The other day the Holy Spirit showed me that I was withholding forgiveness in a certain area, and that was the block. It's such a relief.

So today, I feel like God's love is enough. I recognize though, that that truth was just as true the other day, when I didn't feel it.

Born to manifest the glory of God...

2006-04-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"
- Nelson Mandela in his inaugeration speech.

Cake Decorating- Part Deux

2006-04-05T16:02:00.000-04:00

I might just be crazy. My parents think I am. :)
I've agreed to do my brother's wedding cake, an adaptation of the one pictured here.
I am starting Wilton 3- the slightly more advanced cake decorating class tonight. Remember my colourful clowns in October, and my self-made birthday cake? I'm skipping a level, and going right to #3 to learn "Wedding Cakes."
I know, clowns to multi-level fondant is a big jump. But look how simple it is...
My mom keeps trying to talk me out of it; she says that if I am too nervous she can just order a cake from a professional. She has said this about twice a week for the past 4 months.
I'm not nervous though. I'm much more nervous about being the co-MC at the reception, and with this one, I question not my own sanity, but Deven & Heather's in asking me!

The Sweeter Song

2006-03-29T11:28:00.000-05:00

I could fill my whole blog with Henri Nouwen quotes. If you have never encountered him before, here is a sample to whet your appetite for some rich spiritual writing. This excerpt is from a 1982 interview Leadership did with Nouwen and Richard Foster.

"I'm like many pastors; I commit myself to projects and plans and then wonder how I can get them all done. This is true of the pastor, the teacher, the administrator. Indeed, it's true of our culture, which tells us, "Do as much as you can or you'll never make it." In that sense, pastors are part of the world.
I've discovered I cannot fight the demons of busyness directly. I cannot continuously say "No" to this or "No" to that, unless there is something ten times more attractive to choose. Saying "No" to my lust, my greed, my needs, and the world's powers takes an enormous amount of energy.
The only hope is to find something so obviously real and attractive that I can devote all my energies to saying "Yes." In effect, I don't have time to pay any attention to the distractions.
One such thing I can say "Yes" to is when I come in touch with the fact that I am loved. Once I have found that in my total brokenness I am still loved, I become free from the compulsion of doing successful things."

(See whole interview, with Nouwen and Richard Foster)

Too far

2006-03-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

I've always been what you might call a "detail" person, and I've worried for a while about my anal retentive tendencies.

The other day I brought home a binder from work, containing my typed-up "To-do" list. While running an errand, and waiting, I started sketching out some things on my list. A few minutes later, I stopped and looked down at my sheet, and realized that I have just gone too far.

I had written, "Redo my to-do list" on my to-do list. Sick and wrong.

If I can laugh at myself, does that mean it's not as bad as it sounds? :)

Pilates and wings?

2006-03-22T15:21:00.000-05:00

Last night, Amy and I had big plans: pilates at the local gym we've joined and then out for wings.

I've been pretty excited about this gym membership: it's only for a month, and it cost me $5. I want to fit as much in this month as I can.

I enjoy doing yoga and pilates videos, but I've never taken a class, so last night was going to be my initiation. After work we drove to the gym, changed into suitable clothes, and found our way to the studio in which the said class would take place.

We surveyed the crowd of smiling and confident-looking women, and tried to get our bearings. A woman in spandex saw us standing to the side, and asked us if we were the beginners we appeared to be. When I indicated that I expected my skill level to be "very low"- she gave us instructions. We gathered our equipment: hand-weights (my choice: the wimpiest kind), a rubber exercise band, and a floor mat)

I started to think to myself, "wow, pilates with weights, I never did this with the video!"

The class started off high in energy with loud, active music and our instructor leading us in a variety of sequences of forward, side, and back steps and kicks. With growing bewilderment I was ready to throw everything I thought I knew about pilates out the window.

As we did deep lunges with weights at our sides I asked the girl next to me (between gasping breaths) what class we were in. "Power Sculpt" she replied, confirming my growing suspicions. So much for pilates.

I've been trying to think of an analogy, or word-picture to help you envision this situation, but they're all inadequate. My roommate says it's a shame I don't have a video to show you. Let me set the stage: we are in a studio that is a level above a main workout area. The studio is windowed, so in full view of the masses on their treadmills, lifting weights, etc. I smoothly maneouvered myself to the back of the pack, not noticing the mirror behind me exposing my awkward movements more clearly than anyone else's.

Now picture a room full of women stepping forward- to the side- to the back- in growingly complex combinations. All in synch, with ease and fluidity. Then picture one person, with long arms and legs only rarely lucky enough to do the correct movements in the exact opposite direction. Most often she does something completely different, inventing her own kooky and awkward dance. That was me. :)

Luckily, the entire class did not consist of this "complex" choreography. I had plenty of opportunities to feel the burn in my back, arms, legs and stomach to feel like I fully deserved the chicken wings and onion rings I enjoyed afterward.

Pilates next week?

Maple syrup goodness

2006-03-22T10:43:00.000-05:00

I had not one but TWO delicious pancake breakfasts with maple syrup this past weekend. On Saturday I went with some of our PIONEERS team, and then on Sunday with my friend Lisa.

Mmmm... pancakes and sausages

Donnie was feeling a bit better and able to join us for breakfast and a wagon ride

On the wagon ride huddling close for warmth

Tapped trees

All together for a team picture

With Lisa on Sunday, tummies full of maple syrup goodness. :)

New Roommate

2006-03-14T16:46:00.000-05:00

Meet my new roommate Amy.
She's pretty cool, and I am enjoying getting to know her more. She just moved here from Calgary, and joined our office, as coordinator for our short-term program "the Edge."
She is even proving to be a pretty good influence on me: I've been eating healthier and I've even gone out running with her several times. (Let's see if I can keep it up!)
I've had many roommates over the years, in the different places I've lived. I recently did a count: Amy is #26.
I am thankful for all of my roommate experiences. Valuable friendships came out of many of them, and the inevitable challenging circumstances forced me to recognize selfishness in myself and other things I needed to surrender.

Maybe I should just start calling my roommates (and former roommates) by number... In above photograph see #26 testing peppers at the Farmer's Market.

18th Birthday

2006-03-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

Today Ashley would have turned 18 years old. It's hard to imagine, and still hard not to have her here. I look forward to the day when I'll see her again, and when we will worship Jesus Christ, side by side.

I have shared some of the story on here before, but was reminded of this part the other day. I thought I would share it today.

During those 5 days in the hospital, while we waited as she lingered between life and death, God was so clearly present, and drawing us deeper in our understanding of Him. One day, my mom and my brother were in the chapel, looking through Ashley's Bible, and they came across this verse that Ashley had marked:

"With Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

Both felt strongly that God was saying something to them through that verse. Deven said, "Mom, maybe it means God is going to heal her!"

Mom paused, and spoke these words, "Maybe it means that God is going to heal us."

It was a lot easier to believe that God could heal her of her physical wounds, than to believe that He could take something so precious away from us, and heal us emotionally. But He has. We will always miss her, but we praise God for the healing, and the good work He has done in and through this.

Now I am going to take the rest of the day off to reflect, pray and write.

Fog-shrouded wilderness

2006-03-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

I just had an amazing phone call with my mom. As He often has over the years, God spoke truth through her to me, and I sit here now marvelling in joy and thanksgiving.

I've been doing the devotionals every week for a class at North Park, and last night, since the scheduled speaker (Donnie) was sick, I helped another girl, Steph, to fill in. The subject: Spiritual Warfare. I am so underqualified to do so many of the things I find myself doing.

I told my mom about it, and she thought it was interesting that it worked out that way, since spiritual warfare has been one of the heavy things on my mind in the past weeks and months.

God has been rooting me in truth in the past year, affirming my identity in Christ, completely apart from what I do. He has been a father holding my chubby toddler knuckles as I take wobbly steps forward, learning to walk in the spirit, letting Christ live His life through me. More recently, although I am still learning vital lessons in those two areas, I sense Him leading me into battle- asking me to stand firm (Eph 6:11).

God has been pretty clearly calling me out in a specific way. To be honest, it feels foolish, and doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I find it hard to explain, and when I rationalize, I find myself telling God that
1.) I don't want to
2.) He can and should ask someone else
3.) I don't have the strength to face what He is asking

I've found that my rationalizations don't usually convince God. :)

I've gone back and forth so many times in my mind. Sermons, words from others, and scripture have all confirmed what I think He is asking. So I say, "ok God, I'll obey." And then there is perfect peace. Then a bit further down the line, I start thinking about the risks involved, and second-guessing, and I tell myself that I've misheard Him. And then there is gut-wrenching anxiety. Round and round it has gone.

Talking to my mom this morning was so good because she shared how things that God has layed on her heart often haven't made sense, and she has been on that same journey. I also saw the way she has obeyed, when it just didn't seem to make any sense at all... and how she is so sensitive to His voice.

I realize that I will not cultivate an awareness and sensitivity to His voice if I do not obey Him in these small things.

One of my mom's prayer for me for years has been Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a word behind you, 'This is the way, walk in it,' whenever you turn to the right or to the left."

Sometimes, on this path He has me on, all I see ahead is untamed, dangerous wilderness. To the left or right I see paths branching off that are paved and complete with street signs. I take a step or two onto them, and the voice behind me directs me back. So on I go into the fog-shrouded wilderness.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me" John 10:27

Grumpy Jennifer

2006-03-08T15:27:00.000-05:00

This past week and a half, I got 2 flat tires, my car broke down, and my purse broke. Donnie, our executive director has been sick and in the hospital (he is now recovering at home). Things look positive, but he gave us quite a scare. Since I work quite closely with him, it has thrown me off things at work. Then, starting Saturday and finishing a half hour ago, we've had a candidate orientation program (COP), welcoming 4 great new people to PIONEERS. COP is always one of the craziest and most draining times of the year.

Yesterday I felt like I was simply at the end of my resources, and I found myself grabbing a quiet moment in my office, grumpy and wanting a good cry. I started a post complaining about the week. As I wrote about my flat tires, I remembered how a co-worker had changed one for me in about 10 minutes, and the other I was able to get to the gas station in time to fill up. As I wrote about my car breaking down, I was reminded of how Donnie & Beth had leant me their car for the week. And then of how Steve & Amanda came from Cambridge and Steve fixed my car for me in about 15 minutes. And then my purse that broke? Out of the blue a friend gave me a new one.

Over and over I was reminded of God's material and practical provision for me. I had been wallowing in my weakness, feeling irritable and just not up to being around people yesterday evening. When He reminded me of His provision with my car and etc, He reminded me that He had provided for me in every way. All the patience, strength, wisdom and more that I needed was available to me in Christ. I just had to step forward with the faith that He would be enough in that moment.

So I stepped forward, and He provided.

More and more the desire of my heart coming to the surface, is to be a channel of God's love to others. I want my life to be an expression of God's love to the world. Learning my way into the fulfillment of that (so much to learn!) I find the times it is most needed I feel least able to offer it. I remind myself though of the truth that God has made all I need available to me in Christ. My inadequacy is a good thing, because I need to step forward in faith that He is enough and allow Him to love through me.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ
Ephesians 1:3

tupperware party

2006-02-28T11:32:00.000-05:00

Who wants to come to a Tupperware party?
It is tonight at 7 pm at my house. I got a bunch of tupperware a few years ago, and below are the before and after pictures of our pantry cupboard. I love Tupperware! :)

BEFORE:

AFTER:

**ok I don't have a good excuse for why it was so bad before, but the Tupperware sure helped!**

Life plans and goals

2006-02-23T15:39:00.000-05:00

I'm reviewing my yearly "personal life plan." I chuckle as I read 2004's, because I recognize how much my perspective has changed. 2004's plan was so performance-driven with concrete goals (and aim of developing high self-discipline to achieve them). After yet another burn-out cycle, I let God begin to shift my thinking.

Last year I couldn't even bring myself to make up a "personal life plan" for 2005. I determined to know Christ, to be consumed by His love, and to learn to let Him live out through me. I don't want to cultivate self-discipline anymore... I want to cultivate Christ-discipline... letting Him have control. I want to walk in more and more in surrender.

I've been way more productive this way, though not with the flashy minisiry achievements I used to aim for. This remains my goal: to let Christ live and love through me. I want my life to be the natural outflow/overflow of His grace and love to others. I'm only in jr kindergarten in this school, but at least I can sit all the way through class now without poking the kid next to me. :)

I also have a fun life goal list "Things to do before I die." Here are some of them:

Learn to surf
Go skydiving
Run a marathon
Go bungee jumping
Visit an active volcano
Travel to every continent (including Antarctica!)
Perfect my French
Learn one other language (Arabic, Mandarin... ?)
Swim with sharks (real ones, I saw it on tv once, you can do it in a cage, while the great whites circle around you :) )

Another winter day... I'm obsessed with this desire to surf. The few "attempts" I've made in New Zealand and Nova Scotia got me hooked. I will find a way... :)

God- the Prodigal Giver

2006-02-21T10:43:00.000-05:00

At North Park Saturday night something Pastor Terry shared really stuck with me. He said that the "prodigal son" story would be more aptly called the "prodigal father" story.

I always thought prodigal meant "way-ward" or "rebellious." What it actually means is "recklessly extravagant." I looked it up on dictionary.com (see definition).

It is a story about the recklessly extravagant love of the father... essentially, the recklessly extravagant love of our Father.

It certainly rips apart my old ideas about God's love being sterile and dry, loving us because He has to. What has been sticking with me from this story is how extravagant the father's love was... he didn't just affirm the restoration of relationship, and didn't just give the son what he needed... He gave him so much more. He wouldn't even let the son try to make it up, or earn his approval. Recklessly extravagant.

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

Sometimes those other good things He offers come in the form of brokenness and even suffering. And sometimes, they are just good and pure gifts that He delights in giving.

I heard Malcolm Smith say in a sermon once that God's love is not an emotion, but it is emotional.

It seems like every day God is breaking out of the boxes that I try to put Him in.

(painting: Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son")

Thank you- yes YOU! :)

2006-02-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, chilling to Jack Johnson and Michael Buble. Melanie is laughing at how mellow I've been lately, at least in my music choices. Her office is right next to mine, so I guess she should know.

I just wanted to say thank you- to you!

When I started this blog, I didn't expect people would actually read it, figured it was a long shot anyway. I just love to write, and I especially love to share snapshots of my journey, of how God is teaching me.

I am constantly being surprised by the people that read this blog, either occasionally or regularly. Thank you for your comments, and emails. Others I find out through random connections.

Sometimes it freaks me out, because- follow me on this- when I started writing on here, I just wrote what was on my mind. I'm generally a pretty open person, so I don't have trouble sharing this stuff either in person or in writing. But as more people read this, I find myself surprised, and not sure exactly why. What freaks me out is the fear that I am going to do or say something and mess it all up.

I've concluded now though that that's a good risk to take. Not because I'm not likely to do or say something stupid (or that I havent' already!) but because I'm on here to share my journey with you, and journeys are messy, and I've missed the point if I try to hide that.

So, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, emailing me, or whatever. If you read something stupid, by all means, call me on it! I certainly don't have it all figured out... as is definitely clear by now. :)

God's good gifts

2006-02-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

I have realized that I sometimes have trouble believing that God has good gifts for me.

Am I alone in this? Sometimes when I think about what blessings the future might hold, I immediately think of how they will probably be wrenched away, or soiled in some way. When someone does something nice for me, I often feel embarassed. I feel guilty having nice things.

I guess the root of this is feeling like I don't deserve God's blessings. I wouldn't say that I've had major struggles with self-esteem, it's more my pride that wants to "earn" the things that come my way. It's a slander of God's character really, that I have to repent of, as my mind is renewed daily. How easily I forget the basics of the gospel- that Christ did it all without my help. While we were yet sinners...

I've been reminding myself of what I know of His character. I've been thinking lately though, that one of the best things I can do to redeem that distorted mind-set, is to really look at the good things He has already given. What are some of those things?

My family and closest friends- They are incredible, what else can I say. People who love me even though they have seen the absolute worst sides of me. God loves and speaks to me through them, accepting me as I am, but not content to let me stay there.

My work- I have an amazing job working for PIONEERS Canada. I look forward to it when I wake up in the morning, and except for the occasional mid-afternoon slump, I enjoy my work days. The other day we had a whole day of meetings, preparation for an orientation we have coming up. It was so much fun, working things through together, feeding off each other, pushing each other's thoughts and ideas further than we could on our own. I think the word for that is synergy. There are always new challenges and opportunities to grow, and there are lots of outlets for my creative energies. Maybe the best part though is that I am given the room to fail, get up and learn from it, and am mentored through it all.

Just good gifts. My Father is good to me. He is good to me in the hard times, the good times, and most often the times that have a bit of both!

Celebration of love

2006-02-14T16:46:00.000-05:00

I may be single, and looking forward to a girl's night out this evening, but just because I don’t have romantic love in my life doesn’t mean I don’t have cause to celebrate!

When I stop to think about it I am awed by God’s love for me. It’s perfect, it’s precious, and it blows my mind.

I’ve said often that one of the first songs I ever learned was probably “Jesus loves me.” I remember teaching children in many Sunday school classes that truth myself. But it has only been in the past few years that the truth of it has come alive to me.

In a time of brokenness I began to question God about whether or not He cared when I was hurting, whether or not He could feel my pain. I thought of His love being impersonal (meant for the whole world after all), and of Him dryly telling me it was all for the best. I was cynical, but those questions opened up a door for me to consider the possibility that God offered what I hungered for.

And so began a journey into His love. Printed off and framed, sitting on my desk are the following verses which have summed up this leg of the journey:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father… that He would grant you,
according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His
Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;
and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with
all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know
the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to the
fullness of God.”

To be filled up to the fullness of God means to know His love. That’s my journey right now, and probably for my life. Sometimes He gives it to me directly, but most often He offers it through friends, family members, and sometimes even strangers. It was always there, but He has renewed my eyes to show me the source.

Underneath all the “proper” theology I held, I used to compare what I felt God’s love for me to be, with the purest love I had experienced from others, or given. God’s love seemed so dry and sterile in comparison. Now I see, that real love always has God as it’s source… whether the giver or the receiver ever realize it.

And today, I just want to say how thankful I am to have received that love from my God, my Abba, my Husband, my Protector and my Strength. I’m also thankful for His love as I have received it through countless friends, family members, and others.

So, thanks, and Happy Valentine's day!

Anniversary

2006-02-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

February 10th and March 13th are always strange days for me. Today (Feb 10th) is the anniversary of when my sister Ashley died, and March 13th is her birthday. I've never been one for dates and anniversaries being a huge deal, but for some reason this one seems big to me. Each year anniversary is like a century, or like some huge milestone separating me from that defining event.

I don't really like it actually. The passing of time brings healing, yes, but it is a little unsettling as well, because I don't want such a huge thing to be lost in my distant past. I don't want such an important person to become, with the passing of time, a far-off, and seemingly unreal memory.

And then there is always the fear of forgetting her. Sometimes I close my eyes and remember the purity and mischief in her smile. Sometimes I concentrate on remembering the softness of her hands as I held them at her bedside while she slowly passed from us. Those were moments that I tried to cherish, and imprint on my memory, having spent too many days and years not realizing our time would be so short.

There are tears in my eyes, but it is not all sad. There is joy also, in the remembrance of God's complete faithfulness, and wonder at the still unveiling masterpiece of His overarching plan.

I miss her so much, and I've given up thinking that that longing will ever go away. But I wouldn't change a thing because God was good in ways that words do not do justice to describe. And there is always the knowledge that I will see her again.

Being Mocked: The Essence of Christ's Work, Not Muhammed's

2006-02-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

Article by John Piper: February 8, 2006
What we saw this past week in the Islamic demonstrations over the Danish cartoons of Muhammad was another vivid depiction of the difference between Muhammad and Christ, and what it means to follow each. Not all Muslims approve the violence. But a deep lesson remains: The work of Muhammad is based on being honored and the work of Christ is based on being insulted. This produces two very different reactions to mockery.

If Christ had not been insulted, there would be no salvation. This was his saving work: to be insulted and die to rescue sinners from the wrath of God. Already in the Psalms the path of mockery was promised: “All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads” (Psalm 22:7). “He was despised and rejected by men . . . as one from whom men hide their faces . . . and we esteemed him not” (Isaiah 53:3).

When it actually happened it was worse than expected. “They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head. . . . And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, ‘Hail, King of the Jews!’ And they spit on him” (Matthew 27:28-30). His response to all this was patient endurance. This was the work he came to do. “Like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth” (Isaiah 53:7).

This was not true of Muhammad. And Muslims do not believe it is true of Jesus. Most Muslims have been taught that Jesus was not crucified. One Sunni Muslim writes, “Muslims believe that Allah saved the Messiah from the ignominy of crucifixion.”1 Another adds, “We honor [Jesus] more than you [Christians] do. . . . We refuse to believe that God would permit him to suffer death on the cross.”2 An essential Muslim impulse is to avoid the “ignominy” of the cross.

That’s the most basic difference between Christ and Muhammad and between a Muslim and a follower of Christ. For Christ, enduring the mockery of the cross was the essence of his mission. And for a true follower of Christ enduring suffering patiently for the glory of Christ is the essence of obedience. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5:11). During his life on earth Jesus was called a bastard (John 8:41), a drunkard (Matthew 11:19), a blasphemer (Matthew 26:65), a devil (Matthew 10:25); and he promised his followers the same: “If they have called the master of the house Beelzebul, how much more will they malign those of his household” (Matthew 10:25).

The caricature and mockery of Christ has continued to this day. Martin Scorsese portrayed Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ as wracked with doubt and beset with sexual lust. Andres Serrano was funded by the National Endowment for the Arts to portray Jesus on a cross sunk in a bottle of urine. The Da Vinci Code portrays Jesus as a mere mortal who married and fathered children.

How should his followers respond? On the one hand, we are grieved and angered. On the other hand, we identify with Christ, and embrace his suffering, and rejoice in our afflictions, and say with the apostle Paul that vengeance belongs to the Lord, let us love our enemies and win them with the gospel. If Christ did his work by being insulted, we must do ours likewise.
When Muhammad was portrayed in twelve cartoons in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, the uproar across the Muslim world was intense and sometimes violent. Flags were burned, embassies were torched, and at least one Christian church was stoned. The cartoonists went into hiding in fear for their lives, like Salman Rushdie before them. What does this mean?
It means that a religion with no insulted Savior will not endure insults to win the scoffers. It means that this religion is destined to bear the impossible load of upholding the honor of one who did not die and rise again to make that possible. It means that Jesus Christ is still the only hope of peace with God and peace with man. And it means that his followers must be willing to “share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Philippians 3:10).

"How are you?"

2006-02-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else ever feel like they aren't being completely honest when they say "fine" in answer to the above question seventeen times a day?

Well, to be accurate, I don't really feel like I am lying when I say I am doing well, I just often don't feel like I am telling the whole story. I guess I just figure, how many people actually want to know the whole story? A lot of times people just ask in passing, not waiting for an answer. I know I've done that myself, though I dislike it when people do it to me.

I guess I answer the question based on more than just how I feel. On a given day, I may feel down or discouraged, but if I were to launch into a depressing tirade about my negative feelings, I wouldn't be telling the whole story anyway. It seems to me to be a strange paradox, but I'm learning that the journey of faith is full of those. I can "feel" crappy, but have a general sense that my life is going well, and that God is doing good things in it. My feelings are not the indicators of reality. They are indicators of other things, such as what I am believing deep down, sometimes without even realizing it.

It is nice though to have a few people with whom I can be completely transparent, who help me dig down below the surface to uncover the lies that I believe, and who walk with me and accept me- the good, the bad, and the ugly! Praise God for good friendships, and family members!

One thing stands out to me in all of this though. The many times I get standard answers from people: is it because I'm just not in that inner trust circle or because they think I'm not actually interested in them? What concerns me is not that I think I need to be everyone's confidante, but that I don't want to be a person who unconsciously discourages others from being real and transparent with me. I don't want to communicate that my acceptance is based on performance, appearance, or success. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I really want the main thing of my life to be that the love of God flows through me to other people, but I am all too aware at how rarely and imperfectly that happens. I am so glad that God is the One continually at work in me!

Man of the Year Awards

2006-01-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

Before you go any further, let me just assert that I am not into "Men-bashing." These are just pictures someone sent me a while back that I thought were hilarious. I hope you enjoy them too. :)

Man of the Year #1

Man of the year #2

Man of the Year #3

What a day!

2006-01-27T16:24:00.000-05:00

Whew! Wednesday was quite a day. I am still recovering from it, though not as much as others.

Terrible road conditions, and a bit of carelessness caused me to do a full 180 with my car on the way to work. It freaked me out a bit, but wasn't a huge deal.

Another co-worker got their car stuck in a snowdrift and had to dig it out.

Then, at the end of the day, my friend Melanie and I decided that we would go to the mall straight from work. Since we live a distance apart, we were driving separately until we got to a more central location. She made a comment about being nervous driving in the current conditions, and we decided she would just follow me.

Well, a few kilometres along the way, I looked into my rearview mirror and on a particularly icy patch saw her lose control of the car as it veered into the oncoming traffic lane. She tried to correct it, but it swerved out of control, finally facing the direction it had come. I wasn't too worried until I saw her sail off the edge of the road, and I saw the underbelly of her car as it began to roll down an embankment, landing right side up.

It was one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life! I quickly stopped and jumped out of my car, promptly slipping ont he ice and falling flat on my face. Getting up (and feeling like a cartoon character, my legs moving but my body staying in place) I ran to where the car was sitting in a snow bank with it's nose almost dipping into an unfrozen creek. It was such a relief to find her sitting there, conscious in her car. A few other cars stopped, and brought blankets, and I called 911 on my new cell phone.

PRAISE THE LORD she was ok. A concussion and lots of bruises, but she is recovering nicely now, and with a good attitude about it all. We are thankful for the little mercies that God provided that kept this from being so much worse. The emergency personnel who came (VERY quickly, I might add) emphasized how lucky she was.

I'm not a Strong Christian

2006-01-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

I said this to some people recently, and I think I sounded kind of crazy. I think maybe they wondered why I was admitting such a thing.

Looking back to the days when I first "gave in" and offered God all of me, I realize that underneath it all I thought I had a lot to offer Him. I held mentors and Christian leaders up on pedestals, and made it my goal to be a strong Christian. I also became a judgmental person, but that seemed insignificant compared to the gains I was able to make using my willpower to become a moral and upright person, active in the ministry.

I have to say, I'm disillusioned with all of that now. Don't get me wrong, this is not to say that I am disillusioned with God. Indeed not. I'm disillusioned, you could say, with myself.

I can't change myself. I have a strong will-power, but that's no use to God. My will-power was never even remotely sucessful in changing anything but the outside. The only real changes have come when I have acknowledged my helplessness to God, allowing Him to work.

So now, I joyfully acknowledge that I am WEAK. With that acknowledgement, so many ridiculous burdens fall from my shoulders. The burden to be something. The burden to impress. The burden and pressure to be perfect.

It all goes back to that original lie in the Garden of Eden that we don't need God, and can do it ourselves. He never expected me to; so shrugging off that burden I skip happily along my way.

Anyone else want a bracelet that says "LIVE WEAK"? :)

Frantic pace

2006-01-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

Be glad as you read this that you are not with me in person, because
1.) I would probably whine about being sick, and
2.) I can't pass on any germs over the internet

Last week I didn't post because life was going at a frantic pace. I worked my usual hours at PIONEERS, diving into my new responsibilities I have taken on there, and also did five shifts at Christian Horizons. It seemed like a good idea back in December when I agreed to do the relief shifts.

I have been so proud of myself over the last year or so for how I have slowed down my life, and limited my commitments, having learned some vital lessons about healthy boundaries. As someone who has regularly burned herself out since high school, I am learning to live a more healthy life, no longer suffering under the delusion that I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

That said, I still make stupid choices sometimes, and then I pay for them. Donnie (my boss) called me on it today, and I appreciated the gentle rebuke. It was all the more humbling because we had just had a discussion about leadership and ministry, and how most leaders' identities are tied so closely to what they do (as opposed to who they are in Christ), that they take on so much more than is necessary, healthy, or even expected by God.

So, that is my humble confession on a Monday morning, still experiencing repercussions from bad decisions, but learning all the way through. :)

Yesterday I believed that summer is real

2006-01-13T12:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was driving to work, and it was a beautiful day. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, and the temperature was shockingingly warm for January in Southern Ontario.

I was car-pooling with my friend Melanie, and thinking of how summer usually feels like a mere dream when we are entrenched in the long dark coldness of winter, I remarked to her: "Today, I believe that summer is real."

She thought for a moment, and then said to me, "What do you think God is trying to tell you through that?"

"Uhhh... I don't know... what do you think?"

She smiled. "I think He's telling you that summer is real."

I rolled my eyes. "I thought you were going to come up with some deep truth from that."

"There is- I think He is reminding you that the 'spring' and 'summer' of life are real too, even when you are in the winter and don't feel like it's possible."

I ruminated on that for a while. I had been talking with her the evening before about how I feel like I am in a dark valley right now, and have been for a long time. There are many great things in my life that I am so thankful for- but underneath everything is a deep sadness. I told her that I have trouble believing that the valley will ever end.

The past 4 years have been tough ones, and through it all, God has taught me that He offers precious gifts in brokenness. I have found Him in my brokenness, and I wouldn't trade anything for that. I'm in a painful valley, but I know that there is firm ground underneath my feet. I know that God is with me. Sometimes He feels far away, like right now, but there is something even deeper than feelings- a certainty that He is good and He loves me.

Yesterday though, He reminded me, through a warm day and a good friend, that the valley is not all there is- or ever will be.

Back to normal life

2006-01-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

Here are some more pictures from the New Year, and my time in NB. I'm back in ON now, back to work and back to normal life. I was sad to leave my family, but it will be nice to get back into a bit of a schedule (oh no- I am one of those people!)

After a games night with the family, we went out to a restaurant in Moncton to celebrate the New Year: here are Deven and Heather.

Here I am with my sister, and our friend Melissa.

Making a gingerbread house with my cousins

We had some leftover frosting to have fun with...

The finished product.... ta-da!

She's still got it!

2005-12-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

I have been having a great time with my family. Lots of laughs, and good memories made: evenings sitting up talking with mom, dad and Melanie. Watching "Joan of Arcadia" episodes with Mel. My dad asking me what I am going to put on my "blob" (Dad- it's b-l-o-G). Sitting around reading. Eating too much.

I went to Walmart with some others, and the following exchange occurred between one of my shopping companions, and a man we crossed paths with:

"Doris! Is that you? How are you?"

"Hello ____, I'm well, how are you?"

"Can't complain... wow- Doris you look so good!" he said with an appreciative look.

"Well, I just turned ___ years old." She said, deflecting his obvious admiration.

"Oh Doris, you don't look like you've aged a day..." He paused and as he looked at her, I think I saw a glimmer of moisture in his eyes. "Doris, you're really looking great... it's so good to see you."

Finally, seeing that it was awkward not to introduce me and my sister, she did, but he quickly turned back to her. After more comments on how great she looked, and somewhat emotional reassurances of how glad he was to see her, he went on his way.

I waited until he was well out of earshot to start teasing Doris-my grandmother about the man who was hitting on her right in front of her grandchildren. She's still got it I guess. :) Not everything gets passed down. :)

My Big Fat French Family

2005-12-23T21:20:00.000-05:00

My family makes me laugh. When a bunch of us are together, it is so busy, bustling, loud, and food is everywhere. It really does make me think of that movie...

A few snapshots: I got picked up at the airport and whisked away to supper at a new fastfood joint my mom had scoped out. My uncle had brought a young friend of his, and I had to laugh at the predicament of a poor unsuspecting visitor to our family- as he was pressed to eat more food than he could possibly eat. Everyone passed food around and shared this and that, talking louder and louder in conversations that criss-crossed the table in complicated ways.

We were on our way to see the Chronicles of Narnia. My sister bought some candy to smuggle into the theatre, and among the wealth of sweets she had were some of those fake teeth and gums thingies. The kids were having fun putting them in their mouths and smiling like they were real teeth. My 9-year-old cousin wanted to join the fun, and with his little Acadian accent (no pronouncing of "th's") he innocently said, "mom, can I have a teet'?" I busted my gut laughing right at the table, but no one else caught it until I told them after.

After eating we packed up and headed to the theatre, candy stashed in pockets and purses. I have fond memories of my pre-teen shame when going to a movie with a bunch of aunts who had decided that the movie-going experience wouldn't be complete without popcorn. So they popped some corn and brought it with them. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that I remember going through the movie ticket line-up with my aunt, who's purse was literally steaming! Good times.

Tonight we had a gathering at my aunt & uncle's. It was a fun time, as usual, with lots of laughs, hugs, and of course, too much food. I told them my comparison of our family to the Greek one in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." We had a good laugh, and then they began to argue over which aunt it would be who would tell tales of the surgery on the growth on her neck that had yielded bits of hair, teeth and bone. They settled on one, and my mom told her: "you'd be the one with the growth- with the hair and the teet'!" Hehe... we are geeks, it's true... but it's fun.

FUN TIMES... :)

Getting ready for Christmas

2005-12-19T15:03:00.000-05:00

Well, the Christmas season is always a busy one. I have to say though, that I am enjoying it. I don't enjoy looking for parking at the mall, or getting lost in it (as I do every time! you'd think I'd learn...) but overall, it has been good.

I'm not a big gift person, but I have enjoyed getting gifts for my family, baking cookies for friends, and sending my christmas cards. I think what I have enjoyed about it all is that it has reminded me of how many amazing people have become part of my life. I don't really care if I get any more gifts, it's not really point. Of course you know that, no need for a sermon from me on the subject. :)

This past weekend I got to see a friend test for her advanced blue belt in Tae Kwon Do (go Lisa!), celebrate another friend's passing into the third decade (happy birthday to someone. :) ), and enjoyed a chinese-canadian Christmas feast (thanks Wayne and Irene!) The rest of the week is going to be busy, as I try to tie up loose ends here at the office in preparation for a 2 week holiday in New Brunswick.

*Home* on Thursday- I can't wait!

Addendum to "Asking Questions"

2005-12-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

I realize my last post could be a bit scary for some people to read. I can remember a time when those thoughts would have scared me. I wouldn't have wanted to let myself think down those lines, let alone encourage others to. It could lead to dangerous places...

I write it now, because there is freedom to be found as well.

As I sat talking to this friend, I couldn't help noting the peace that I felt. I felt sadness for him, yes, but not in a condescending, "how could you possibly think that?" kind of way. I felt sadness for him because I understand the difficulty of that question, and others, but know that it doesn't have to end up that way.

I am not afraid of hearing people's questions about faith and christianity. I have to smile inside sometimes when someone brings out their "trump card" thinking that they will shatter the foundations of my faith. In so many different situations, times and places I have heard those questions. I don't mean to be condescending as if I have God and the universe figured out completely. Of course I don't. But I smile because I myself have asked those questions. I have asked them from some deep and tremendously painful valleys. My faith has only grown from those experiences.

I was thinking this morning about something my friend Beth Shannon said to me years ago. We were talking about proofs that God exists. She told me that the only proof that no one can refute is a transformed life.

In the end, late at night when those questions come, I believe in God not simply because of intellectual answers I have heard; I believe in Him because I cannot deny the way that He has changed my life.

He has changed my life not just in the sense that I used to do bad things and now I do good things. Goodness, if that was the extent- Lord, take me now! I could accomplish that with self will-power. No, I mean He has completely transformed my life. He brought me- to use an often-used cliche- from darkness into light. He has delivered me from depression, self-pity into freedom and peace. In the midst of incredible pain in the loss of my sister- God met me there, and gave me His peace, strength and joy- yes, joy!

Obviously I haven't arrived. But I am NOT what I once was. I've tried plenty to change myself to be the person I want to be, but those attempts have never worked. No amount of positive thinking could do the work in me that I have seen God do. Of course my words are just words, and you don't have the view that I do. I suspect though, that many of you have stories a lot like mine.

Asking questions

2005-12-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

I caught up recently with an old friend. We sat and talked over lunch at an eclectic all-day breakfast place. It was interesting to see the different paths we've chosen, and where they've taken us.

After an awkward pause in the conversation when our food came, he told me to go ahead and pray, that he would explain later. After some more conversation I asked him about it.

He told me about how at Bible college, when I knew him, he had been searching for deeper meaning. I guess at that point he considered himself a believer. When he left, he began to ask questions about his faith, God, the Bible. It came down to one serious question.

"You'll think it's dumb," he said. He told me he couldn't get past the fact that God could send people to hell. So, the sum of it is that he decided this thing called 'faith' or more specifically 'christianity' was not for him.

I told him it wasn't dumb. I said that it is a serious question that one has to ask. I didn't try to answer the question either, because I knew that wasn't why he was telling me.

I told him that I went through a time where I had to realize that it's ok to ask questions. I think sometimes we in the church are afraid to ask questions about things we really struggle with. Is it because we are worried we won't like the answers? I need to be free to bring my honest questions to God.

I told him, "I've asked a lot of those questions myself; I've just come to different conclusions. I don't necessarily have neat, packaged answers for every one, but I've faced them, and my faith is so much stronger because of it. If God is real, He can handle my questions."

I talked too much, as usual. I just can't "catch up" with someone and not talk about God. All that has happened in the past 5 years- losing my sister, how I ended up where I am- none of it can be told without the overarching narrative of God's work in my life. If someone wants to know me, I can't pretend I'm not what I am.

I looked at him across the table and asked, "Was it a relief for you, to let go of christianity and religion?"

"No," he responded without hesitation, "It wasn't even a relief when I first made the decision."

"How do you feel about it now?"

With sadness in his eyes he said, "Lost. I feel lost."

The conversation continued for some time, and I couldn't help feeling sad for him. He is lost in a sea of faces, making his own way in the universe. The lostness isn't moving him to find his security in God, because he doesn't believe there is security to be found.

I wish I could convince him, just as I wish words could express to others what God has done for me. In the end, I can only release him to God in prayer, and trust that the Spirit will continue His work in his life.

I am selfish

2005-12-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

After clearing off an accumulated 10 feet of snow off my car in the office parking lot, I drove to Scott & Courtney's. I have been babysitting Stephen for the evening. The poor little guy is sick, and fell asleep in my arms, which was kind of nice. It reminds me of the desire that I do have for children. But it's scary too. I have been thinking about that lately- not that I am ANYWHERE close to it.

I am afforded many luxuries as a single person. I can do whatever I want, when I want. If I make a bad personal decision, I face the consequences. Sometimes I feel the burden of responsibility, but I do enjoy my freedom.

A friend said to me recently, "Jen, be careful that you don't become too independent."

It caught me off guard, and has stuck with me. I thought I was supposed to be independent? I am... to a certain extent... but I think I carry it too far sometimes. *See kerfuffle I caused on November 16th.*

I am afraid of becoming one of those older single people who is set in her ways, and used to getting her own way.

There is something about getting married and having children that matures people. I think (as an ignorant observer) that when you move from being single to getting married, you have to confront a lot of the selfishness that you may not have even known was there, as you consider another person. It is sandpaper, part of the sanctification process. Then parenting takes it even deeper.

I guess the reason I am rambling on here is that I have realized that I am just plain selfish, and that there are no circumstances in my life forcing me not to be, in the way that my married peers are. I could just shrug it off, and enjoy my freedom... but I'm not satisfied to just give my selfishness free reign, until I someday inflict it on the poor unsuspecting chap who ends up with me. Heavens! (oh goodness, I sound like an old lady)

I don't have any answers... just the realization that there is this whole area that I want to open up to God to dig and change me. Anyone have advice?

the world doesn't need more of me

2005-11-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

The following is a quote that I copied from Donnie's (my boss') hand-written notes. I hope I got it right. It is by Eugene Peterson, I am not sure when and where he wrote it, but it struck me deeply enough that I wanted to share it with you:

"We do not progress in the Christian life by becoming more competent, more knowledgeable, more virtuous, or more energetic.
We do not advance in the Christian life by acquiring expertise...
I want to simplify your lives.
When others are telling you to read more, I want to tell you to read less;
when others are telling you to do more, I want to tell you to do less.
The world does not need more of you; it needs more of God.
Your friends don't need more of you; they need more of God.
And you don't need more of you; you need more of God."

**Thanks to James for getting the reference: the above quote is from Eugene Peterson's book, Subversive Spirituality.**

Deven & Heather

2005-11-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

An exciting thing happened this weekend! My little brother got engaged! I knew it was coming this weekend, but I was still excited. I am so glad that it is finally official, and I am so pleased that Heather MacRaild is going to be joining the MacDonald clan. I love Heather, she is a special girl, and Deven is a lucky man. Congratulations you two, I love you!

Found a wormhole!

2005-11-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

I lost my voice this morning, and found it a little later on. I still sound kind of like a scratchy-voiced man though. I am kind of grumpy today too. I'll blame it on my cold, hehe. You who read this are lucky that you are not with me in person. :)

I had a good weekend though. I went to a concert on Saturday and then on Sunday travelled to Cambridge so I could share at New Harvest Fellowship in the morning service. The only problems were these: my muffler fell off my car enroute to the church, so in my church clothes I had to maneuover my way partially under the car to undo the part that was still attached. And, I was still a bit deaf from the concert, and with my voice being considerably lower than usual, when I spoke to people at church I couldn't hear myself... I hope I wasn't yelling :)

Sunday afternoon I had a great time hanging out with dear friends: Zane & Marcia, Matt & Lisa, Amy. We re-established the geekiness (and closet geekiness) of the gang (the post title is taken from that discussion). I refuse to confirm or deny my own geekiness. And even after gruelling interrogation, there are some secrets that I will take to my grave (Zane!!!)

More highlights: I got to play Barbies with Victoria (she's getting so big!) and Joshie gave me a hug! Watched a chick-flick with Marcia (just like old times) that made me cry, and finally triggered a good cry session. I spent Monday afternoon on the couch talking with Lisa- time well spent!

I also spent time with Steve & Amanda, and Steve once again fixed my car. I swear I wouldn't have a car if it weren't for those two! (Thank you guys!!) Some of the repairs took longer than expected so I stayed an extra day and came back to London Tuesday instead of Monday. Unbeknownst to me, it caused a bit of a kerfuffle... I just decided to stay, without telling anyone back home, and my mom had been trying to reach me and a few others were worried about my whereabouts and trying to track me down. Of course I am safe and sound... but next time I will be a little more responsible... yikes!

Beauty hurts

2005-11-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

I have been meditating on beauty. I read this in a book recently:

"He remembered as though it were but a few days ago that winter night, himself too young even to know the meaning of beauty, when he had looked up at a delicate tracery of bare branches against the icy glittering stars: suddenly something that was, all at once, pain and longing and adoring had welled up in him, almost choking him. He had wanted to tell someone, but he had no words, inarticulate in the pain and glory. It was long afterwards that he realised that it had been his first aesthetic experience. That nameless something that had stopped his heart was Beauty. Even now, for him, 'bare branches against the stars' was a synonym for beauty."
(from A Severe Mercy, by Sheldon Vanauken)

When I read it- I sat up straight, and said to myself, "that's it!" I've had that feeling before, but could never find words to describe it. I've felt it this Fall when I have driven through countrysides in southern Ontario, and seen the trees changing colours- almost too awesome to behold. I've felt it when looking at the flowers given to me for my birthday. There is a longing there, to fully behold it, but part of me realizes that it is too much for me. Before I can fully appreciate them, the leaves will fall from the trees, and the flowers will wilt and die. There is something about beauty that is higher than my understanding.

I think there is something that hints of God in all of this.

sure about this?

2005-11-10T10:08:00.000-05:00

My mom asked me last night if I'm sure I want to share this much on my blog, since some of it is kind of personal. I told her I was sure. If my blog is my opportunity to share some of my journey with other people, then I want to share my real journey... not the polished and cleaned up version. Later on in the same conversation, she commented that from her observations, the people who live the most open lives are the happiest, because they don't live in fear of what others think.

I hope my sharing doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. But I guess it's your choice if you want to read it in the first place. :)

I know it is scary to see someone else go down into the depths, I think we secretly fear that they won't make it, or that God won't be enough. I've learned that when I let God take me into the depths, He brings His love there. I've learned that when I experience the depths, I can also experience heights that I would never before have imagined.

I wrote this yesterday to a friend:

A couple of years ago God challenged me with a quote from C.S. Lewis (my paraphrase, from memory) "The only place outside of heaven where one can be perfectly safe from all of the trials and perturbations of love... is hell." He challenged me not to shut down my heart, but to let it feel, to let it love, even though it could be ripped apart. The funny thing is that when I let my walls down, I learned I was right, being vulnerable let me get hurt. I have been hurt a hundred times more since that time, than I ever had before. I have also experienced more joy and wonder than I could ever have imagined. I choose a life of heights and depths, rather than the safer, middle way.

For those of you who are still worried about me: there is joy in my heart that I cannot contain.